Spring is in the air!

Every spring I tell myself I am going to garden!  I am going to carve out a section of my weeds grass and plant some pretty flowers to admire!  And every spring I get lazy or cheap or bored or sane and it never gets done. 

However – this spring, spring 2013 I, Nikilee30 will be gardening.  I even went to Crappy Canadian Tire and bought my supplies – minus the flowers cause I am not planting them yet – I need to prepare my garden.  I brought Crazy Cat Lady cause if anyone understands me, it’s her and she can handle my craziness for abnormally long amounts of time. Also she wouldn’t balk at the amount of money I was planning on spending cause we are both shoppers!

We walked through the entire “seasonal section” while I tossed things into my cart (she wouldn’t let me buy the axe even though I was pretty sure I would need one for something – besides having an axe is pretty cool!).  I bought my “supplies” in purple of course because if you are going to garden, you might as well do it fashionably – except my new gardening gloves are pink…a light pink which I am okay with because they feel really cool! 

I needed dirt of some kind I assumed since I would be tearing up weeds sod.  I decided to do this intelligently and ask someone since there are about 8 million kinds of dirt!  The very kind lady, who I’m pretty sure assumed I was some sort of princess since I had no clue what I was doing and seemed absolutely fascinated with everything, told me to buy top soil and triple mix.  I figured (foolishly) that two bags would be enough so we checked out, paid for everything and left. 

Now it’s been a couple of weeks and I have not started – but my lawn boy has dug up part of the front for me.  I cannot wait to take pictures and show you all – I will be doing this!  Monday I am taking the day (weather permitting) to complete what needs to be done!  I am excited!  I am completing a ten-year long journey to make the front of my house look good!  It could be a disaster, but I am hoping for a dream come true!

Fingers crossed bloggers!

XOXO Nikilee

The Face of Fear

My chest tightens, the tears fill my eyes and within a few seconds I feel fear, of what I don’t know.

My heart physically starts to hurt and my breathing quickens…am I having a heart attack at the young age of 32?

I don’t want to go out, yet get upset when I know my friends are out together doing something I am not invited to.

I actively make up excuses for being overweight yet I complain when people say anything about it or suggest I should do as they say, they don’t know me – they don’t know what it’s like.

At times I bite the heads off people I love because the heat in my chest is bursting to get out, they have been the ones to make me cross a very thin, invisible line that I walk everyday.

Whats wrong with me you ask - nothing.  Like thousands of other men and women I suffer from anxiety and have been on a medication called Ciprolex for the past three years.  For some reason, none that I can pinpoint, my anxiety has gotten worse over the past month.

I have spent the past three years trying to get my head on straight, make changes, adjust my friendships, forgive people who desperately sought me out and do what everyone wanted me to do – work, date, go out and do whatever it took to be “normal”.  But inside, deep inside my heart, I want to curl into a ball and do none of the above.

Suicide is an option for many people with anxiety-others may just have a physical reaction by either vomiting or having excessive bowel problems, I am fortunate that my anxiety doesn’t manifest itself in any of these ways.  I’m not going to sit here and pretend I haven’t thought how easy it would be to end it all or tell you I’ve never had stomach cramps that beg for me to throw up, but I always manage.  I always get myself under control.

Anxiety and depression aren’t things we talk about with strangers and sometimes not even with those who love us most.  A girl who I have known my entire life I recently re-connected with through her blog www.worthcourting.wordpress.com and like me, she is single, in her 30′s and suffers from anxiety.  Now, Court is a much stronger writer then I will ever be, but our stories are similar.  She is brave.  She is beautiful.  She has made this taboo subject not so taboo. I am grateful that I have read all that she has to write on this topic and praise her for being so candid while so many of us suffer in silence.

Because of fear I have been having lately, I felt a need, a need to write it down.  I ask those of who know me personally to not ask if I am okay.  Don’t ask what you can do.  Don’t tell me I will be okay.  I don’t have any response to those questions or concerns and it just makes me more frustrated when people talk to me about it. I get it – its frustrating to you to see me hurt, to see me cry, to not be able to help, but guess what:

I can’t care right now

I see a doctor, she knows my issues and I am bothered by the fact that due to something completed unrelated I no longer want to be under her care, but I will continue seeing her until I can find someone knew, because regardless of how unstable I feel – I am responsible enough to know having a doctors guidance and support is of more importance right now than our disagreement.

The amount of people I know who have or have suffered from anxiety and/or depression astounds me.  I have friends who have attempted suicide, who have been heavily medicated because of this horrible disease.  It is not a disease that strikes only white, middle class women, though we are the ones who usually come out and talk about it.   This horrible illness effects people – regardless of race, socio-economic status and gender.  It beats you up, it can and does kill you.  It eats you alive from the inside until the only thing that seems normal is not feeling normal.

I write this because I have approximately 44 followers and numerous others who read my blog for whatever reason.  I am asking everyone to realize that you most likely know someone who is suffering right now.  Someone you know is hurting and doesn’t have the resources and support that I do.  Please make yourselves available.  Talk, but please listen.  Pay attention to those you love, check-in and if you are the one suffering, please get help, tell a trusted doctor.  You do not have to be alone.

XOXO Nikilee

 

 

 

 

Cairo

When you walk into E’s house, invited or uninvited, Cairo, their almost 7-year-old Doberman will bring you a shoe in greeting.  Is it a cheap shoe that he chews on you ask?  No…no it’s not, it might be J’s dress shoe or Nike running shoe or E’s stilettos or wedges!  Yep, Cairo had a liking for good quality shoes and bringing it to you was his sign of accepting you into their family.  I’d often find shoes, slippers and sandles in his bed, long thought of as lost or forgotten.

Excuse me while I take a nap, all that eating was exhausting

Cairo also had a love for food – any food, cake, meat, flour, paper towel?  Oops that’s not a food item, but trust me, if you left it in his view, it would be chewed to pieces and remains would be left all over the floor, couch, kitchen table for E and J to clean up later.

My guess is he see’s his bff Heyab or a squirrel, either way he gets so excited!!! Imagine him sitting in your lap…

He was the smartest dog I ever met.  He managed to figure out how to get himself out of locked doors time and time again – the contraptions E and J have on their bedroom door looks more for prisoners or escape artists than for a Doberman, but Cairo was clever.  He had no trouble doing exactly what he wanted to do, when he wanted to do it. 

He loves children – especially little Avalyn, and she loved him right back!

You’d think that maybe this made him unlikable, but it was actually quite the opposite.  Cairo, and their other Doberman Vegas, are probably two of the most loved dogs that have ever existed.  I don’t mean just by their owners, I mean by everyone who lays eyes on them. 

What a poser!

If someone new came around, Cairo demanded attention. If your hand was not placed on his head or body he would push his head onto you until you gave up and petted him, and don’t you dare stop after a minute because the whole process will start again.  He looked terrifying – he was a 90 pound Doberman after all, but I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t hurt a fly if it landed on his nose.  I’ve never seem him aggressive, he loved  E and J till his last breath and we, his friends, loved him just as much.

There are a lot of sad people today.  Cairo passed away yesterday two weeks before his 7th birthday.  His brother from another mother Vegas will now be alone and E and J are heartbroken.  Their dogs are their everything.  I miss him.  I’m grateful he is no longer suffering, but the selfish parts of us want him back, want him to give us our shoes when we come in and shove his way onto our little laps in order to receive some loving.  I’d do anything to have the opportunity to push him away and giggle when his massive body jumped on the couch with our noses touching to have my hands petting him.

Goodbye Cairo, my friend.  Wreak havoc in puppy heaven!

XOXO Nikilee

Baseball season

The smell of dew on the grass, soaking my new flip-flops and making me regret not bringing boots.

The crunch of gravel under my feet as I drag my lawn chair, purse, a clip board and a couple of pens the 15 minute walk from the parking lot to the diamond. 

The guys grunting their hello’s as they get in “game mode” (some of them clearly hung over as they down Gatorade and coffee at 8:00am). 

The wives and girlfriends hugging hello and chatting about kids, life and anything but baseball until baseball ACTUALLY starts at 9:30 am. 

The coach pacing the grounds until his latecomer finally show up with seconds to spare and threatening to bench him(typically GBF). 

The cold morning breeze giving way to a heat wave a couple of short hours later and jackets, sweaters and coffee cups being thrown everywhere.

Baseball season is beginning for my boys this month.  My ex’s, my friends husbands, my friends.  Every year for the past 6-7 years I have been a part of this time-honored tradition of spring and thoroughly enjoyed every. freaking. minute. of it.  This year, will be a bit different.  I have no boyfriend who is playing.  I have no one to follow.  I have no team I am dedicated to as all my friends bf’s and husbands are on different teams this year. 

I will be an outcast – the one who comes to watch, even though no man will be hitting home runs for me or kissing my forehead as they run on the field.  Am I sad?  No, not really.  Watching boyfriends play, having a certain team to follow to every game is exciting.  It brings a different level of contentment.  However, the early mornings will now be by choice, not force.  The cold, wet days will be spent inside realxing, not under a leaking blue tarp shivering.  I can pick and choose which guys to cheer for and which guys to boo and cuss out.  I can spend time with my girlfriends, chatting, drinking, smoking, whatever I want.  I no longer will be a score keeper.  I will not have arguments with the ump about whether we had 5 runs that inning or 6.  I will not have unsure, insecure girls running up to me from the other team to give me their line up only to change it five minutes later.  I will be a cheerleader.  I will be a visitor.  I will enjoy. 

Yes this year will be different, but as long as the sun comes up and warms our beautiful diamonds, I will be there – showing my support to a great group of guys who have done nothing but be sweet and polite to me – their friend.

And also – GO JAYS GO!  A whole other reason to be freaking excited about ball season – professional ball is back too!!!!

 XOXO Nikilee

Happiness to me…

This past weekend proved to be a great example of what happiness is to me.  Saturday afternoon I spent a lovely two hours at the Sony Centre in Toronto watching Toopy and Binoo.  If you don’t know who these lovely characters are, please google them because I love them!  Now, watching T&B was not what made the day so great, it was my dates.  YES DATES – PLURAL.  I am supposedly a hot commodity – at least in the little kid market!  I took the lovely Ms. J and her best friend Ms. V. 

I showed up to Ms. J’s house and she was dressed in a bright red dress, blue tights and knee-high brown boots!  She was rocking this somewhat unconventional style for a four-year-old.  When Ms. V came over she was dressed in a black, white and pink party dress, white tights with black ballet flats.  Very pretty. The two girls couldn’t be more different, but they are best friends and absolutely adore each other! I felt severely under dressed in black track capris and a white sweater with moccasins.    However their smiles and squeals of delight as we drove downtown were evident of a good day to come! 

Both girls watched the show from my knees (yes I had 2 four-year olds on my lap) eating popcorn and drinking juice (for Ms. V) and pop (for Ms. J and myself). 

They were playing with my hands and every time T&B left the stage they looked at me with big wide eyes terrified the show was over.  I had to explain to them numerous times that the show wasn’t over until T&B said good-bye!  They felt much better about that!  When it was over we all waved goodbye to the loveable characters and then held hands and walked outside into warm sun and walked over to the patio where the girls dads were waiting, Caesars in hand with one for me as well and the girls told them every minute of the show and sitting on my knee and eating popcorn and well – everything.   I smiled and added in a comment or two, with Ms J still planted firmly on my lap, but Ms. V snuggled in tight with her dad (poor kid barely knows me). 

Sunday I woke up craving some love and snuggles and I knew EXACTLY who to call.  My favorite Filipina has two amazing children Big J and Lil C who are so loveable and are always up for hugs and kisses from their Tita! 

I went by around 3:30 and spent three and a half hours holding Lil C and playing chess and Black Ops with Big J.  I smiled the whole time (minus the 15 minutes I was playing Black Ops and got blown to bits from Big J “by accident”).  

By the time I arrived home at 7:00 pm last night, I had realized truly how happy I am right now, spending time with my friends, my family and my little ones.  I cannot wait to spend some more time with Chase and Jake, my two littles whom I don’t get to spend much time with!  Maybe in the weekends to come! 

XOXO Nikilee

What Happens in Vegas…

 Isn’t going to stay in Vegas…I mean I went with my senior citizen mom and Aunt G, what did you think was gonna happen?  I wasn’t going to be sleeping my way though the crazy City of Lights with every Tom, Dick and Harry! 

Instead we gambled, ate, drank and shopped our way through the tourist trap city of Las Vegas Nevada. 

Wednesday morning my uncle picked me up from my home and drove the three of us to Pearson airport in rush hour traffic, however we still made great time.  After what seemed like forever, we managed our way through security and customs and looked for a place to have breakfast snack and coffee.  We had to settle for Freshii because the part of the airport we were in had nothing – not even a Tim Horton’s (seriously as a Canadian I object to not having a Tim’s within a five-minute walk of me) 

After boarding we were off to Vegas!  The flight (we flew with West Jet) was great, minimal turbulence and I actually napped for about 30 minutes.  We got out of the airport, grabbed a taxi and got to our hotel all within an hour.  This made me happy – no lineups, no long wait – quick and efficient, just like the city we were in!

 We stayed at the Mirage Hotel and Casino on the Las Vegas strip and after a minor slip up (gave us the wrong room number) we were in our rooms with  a $75 dinner voucher for the mistake.  We ordered room service, showered and got ready for SHANIA TWAIN!  I am going to blog specifically about this concert later because this woman and her concert deserve an entire blog post dedication! 

When the concert was over we walked around Caesars palace, took pictures and marveled at the lights and scenery! 

Thursday included gambling at Casino Royal and the Mirage, a gondola ride at the Venetian (where I almost got married to my gondolier who is Italian, an opera singer and sexy as heck thank you very much) and watching the Volcano erupt from our hotel.  The great thing was we also had a great view from the 17^th floor to watch the volcano erupt every hour! 

We went to Treasure Island Hotel and Casino Thursday night where we saw the sinking of the pirate ship and gambled some more.  By the way, if you are a female pirate, supposedly you don’t need bombs and canons, you only need a good wardrobe, hair and makeup and you can sink another ship (according to this story at least). 

Friday we were lucky enough to go to the MGM Grand and eat at Wolfgang Pucks restaurant where I WAS CARDED!!!!  Woohoo!  I still got it!  What “it” is, I am not sure, but he thought I could be under 21 so I’ll take it!  We also saw Ka the Cirque de Soliel show.  It was beautiful and the first Cirque show for both my aunt and mom.  It was visually stunning, wowing the crowd with powerfully emotional moments that left us at the tip of seats! 

Cabbing it back to the Mirage after Ka was over, we gambled some more – oh ya and my mom won a freaking slot jackpot of almost $7000.00.  Damn woman!  Out of the three of us though she did need the money more so in the end we were extremely happy for her (plus it’s only her second  trip since her honeymoon to my dad in 1965!) 

Saturday I went to the South Premium Outlets completing my souvenir shopping (Michael Khors is totally a souvenir… to me…) 

By the time Sunday night had rolled around, I truly felt like Vegas was a place I could easily vacation at again and again because there was so much we didn’t see.  It had eaten us up and spit us out and we were ready to go home (even though we REALLY wanted to take the hot sun with us).  The red-eye flight home Sunday night was brutal because of the three-hour time difference and the serious lack of sleep, but by the time we arrived home Monday morning, I was happy to be back where I belonged. 

I. AM. CANADIAN.

XOXO Nikilee

How to save a life…

I don’t think many people learn First Aid/CPR with the expectation that they will have to use it – ever. I know some professions this is an obvious (paramedics, doctors, nurses etc.) however, I learned it because I am the co-chair of our Joint Health and Safety Committee at my work so while I needed to have the certification, we have a security guard on site at all times who is the main person responsible for delivering any aid as required. I did take my learning quite seriously though and I fully participated in the two-day learning experience.

However, never in my wildest dreams did I ever see me using it and I never actually took time to think about what my reaction would be like if I had to.

Until last night.

Last night was our first Spring session of torture  Zumba. The class was fully booked and the room we practice in is tiny. About 20 minutes after class started two women walked in wearing jeans and long sleeve button up shirts – totally NOT Zumba appropriate. However they weren’t really moving around a lot so I didn’t think anything of it. As class ended, I went to talk with our instructor Diana (who is fantastic by the way) and heard my name being called from the other side of the room by my girlfriend A. I looked over and on the floor was one of those two women shaking having a seizure! I dropped my wallet and ran over to the woman. Turns out the other woman was this girls mother. She was having a full on seizure and for what seemed like an eternity (but really probably two seconds) I had no idea what to do. I panicked. I heard someone scream out to roll her on her side and as soon as I heard that I immediately remembered. I rolled her on her side and put a jacket under her head and bent her leg towards the floor and held onto loosely her while she shook.

Now I need to make two side notes that pissed me off:

1. When you learn First Aid you practice on a mannequin that weighs less than one pound. Turning a real, seizing person on their side is NOT easy.
2. This mother so nonchalantly was like “she’s fine, leave her alone, she’ll come out of it”. This was as her daughters head was bouncing off the hard floor like a basketball. She kept trying to make this poor girl sit up as she was shaking and I kept pushing her off and telling HER to leave her daughter alone. I understand that as her mother you have probably seen this 100 times, but I am First Aid certified and I KNOW that you never leave a seizing victim lying on their back with nothing under their head. She was driving me, and the rest of the class who remained behind, crazy.

Finally the girl stopped shaking and rolled back onto her back and started making eye contact again. It took a few minutes for her to come out of it but when she did my heart started beating again too. I haven’t been that scared in a long time. My instructor was impressed and in a way I was too. I mean, I didn’t do much and was limited because of the mother – but I know now, that if GOD FORBID that ever happens again I will take charge much quicker regardless of the situation because if anything had happened to that girl because I let her mother partially dictate what was happening, I would have felt horrible!

I want to make a plea to ALL my readers. Get First Aid/CPR certified – you NEVER know when you may need to know “how to save a life”

XOXO Nikilee