All I want for Christmas is…

my two front teeth…really?

Okay maybe not.  For the last 10 years or so the tradition in my family has been this – my dad gives me money about a month prior to Christmas from him and my grandmother and tells me to go shopping and he will wrap it all.  Well I have been doing this faithfully until about 5 years ago.  I realized, if you are giving me money to do with as I please, then why not just buy what I want and keep it in my closet.  I mean really – I am not going to pretend I don’t know what’s in the big shoe box and say “oh Steve Madden boots in grey – I LOVE them!”.  Of course I love them, I bought them!  So I have since decided that I am buying what I want for Christmas and keeping it and wearing it/using it from the day I buy it. 

However, this means I have very few gifts under the tree – some from my brother and sister-in-law, but really that’s about it. 

I don’t care though.  Christmas has really become more about watching other people’s expressions when they open the gifts I have bought them.  I try very hard to get people what they want or will like.  I take into account their interests, hobbies, likes and dislikes (for example, I was strictly forbidden to buy my youngest niece K anything with pink and purple on it – and she’d prefer if it was 10 sizes to big, but I just couldn’t go that far…I miss my girly girl!)  Really though I just like to sit back, in my P.J’s sipping tea watching the paper go flying, my brother yelling at the kids to calm down and pay attention to what they are unwrapping and my dad smiling through it all. 

See as much as I know the noise and the yelling and the running around drives him nuts, he loves his family and there is NO WHERE he would rather be than with all of us at Christmas, 

So is there anything on my Christmas list this year??  A purple iPod, a blu ray DVD player, Ricki’s gift cards, a big coach purse (preferably in black), 3rd season of gossip girl…

But all of these things I can buy for myself when I am good and ready to do so…

This will be my last blog of 2010 I’m afraid unless I can borrow someone’s computer until I return to work…I wish you all an amazing, safe, happy holiday season and an even better New Years.  Check back January 4th for a whole new year of blogging…until we meet again:

XOXO Nikilee

Thought for the day…

We should be in the business of living not making a living.” Written in 2010 by Lucien Bourjeily — Lebanon

So I was actually stuck for something to talk about today.  I am in such a hurry for this week to pass (one more day of work! WOOHOO!) that I am focused, seeing only straight ahead…not thinking of anything at all exciting.

So I thought I would google “thought for the day”.  This was actually December 15th’s thought for the day.  But it resonates so well with what I have been thinking/feeling lately that I had to put this one in.  Everyone I know, family, friends, co-workers are so into “making a living” or making money, that they forget to actually live, to travel, to eat, to play to love…

It is so easy to want the house, the car, the “Stuff” and just assume that there will be time for all the other things mentioned above. 

I am so guilty of this, I should hang my head in shame.  I wanted to move out of my father’s house so badly and have my own place I convinced my ex this was the right thing to do.  I (we) spent months making our apt beautiful, comfortable.  But I forgot to have friends over, to spend time with my ex enjoying the apt we had.  I was in the business of “making my living” and not actually “living”.  Ahhh to live without regret…I don’t think I ever would have learned if not forced into regret.  I have learned – oh boy have  I learned.  I cannot wait to live, to laugh, to play, to joke, to love, to share…

2011 … a few more days and we will meet – are you ready for me?? 

XOXO Nikilee

2010, only a few days left…

So everyone knows I am SOOOO excited for this horrible year to be done and over with.  With the surgery, the stress of learning a new job and the ending of almost a 5 year rel’n, it’s been a hell of a year.  One I can’t wait to be over with!  But I have decided to talk today about all the great things this year has brought me.  While the list may be short, it’s a list that has gotten me through the worst of times.

1. In January I started a new job as a case worker for Social Services.  Now while this job has been stressful, it is also a job I can make a career out of.  I miss teaching, I AM a teacher, but with no FT teaching jobs I have had to put that plan on the back burner and look for something I could do that I could enjoy and get paid well to do.  Well the case worker job kind of fell in my lap and I never in a million years imagined me doing this job, but I really do enjoy it and it looks like I have a made a great start and a great impression, so I am hoping for only good things to come!

2. I have known this girl KM since I was in 9th grade.  We were never what you would call close, but we were friendly.  This year she has become one of my BEST friends and I fell absolutely in love with her.  Her kindness, compassion and empathy for everyone and everything I have gone through this year has just made me admire her and appreciate her even more.  She is one of the strongest people I know and I am a better person for having known her.

3. My brother married my best friend!  TM has been a part of my family for 16 years, but this year, PM made it official!  I was the maid of honour and I was honoured to be.  I know those two have had their issues and continue to do so, but I must say, having TM be my “sister” is one of the best things that happened to me!

4. I have become very close with two girls who are gf’s of my ex’s teammates in slo-pitch.  EL and KB are two girls I adore and have been able to spend time with outside of the baseball diamond.  Whether it be a Harry Potter night, dinner on the patio, playing with KB’s son CM or flying off to Chicago for a weekend, I have had a great time getting to know these ladies and I can’t wait to spend more time with them in 2011.

See 4 new things that have made this year not only tolerable, but memorable.  I am beginning to learn that while every year will bring about challenges, good times and bad, no one, and I mean NO ONE can ruin it except me.  So while 2010 may have been my worse personal year, it also helped me realize how great my life is and how it will get better when I let it. 

Thank you to all my friends and family (esp. those not mentioned here NW, RO, SM, work friends etc) who have stood by me and made me smile on many occasions. 

XOXO Nikilee

Mistletoe – bah humbug!

How could something as simple as a kiss change my holiday like this…

A Toby Keith song I believe…

I myself in all my kissing history, have never, not once, been kissed under a mistletoe!  All the Christmas songs I have been listening to discuss this green leafy thing as some miracle Christmas has given us…I disagree.  It’s cruel and mean to all of us who romanticized the notion of being swept off our feet and kissed under a mistletoe, only to be disappointed, left alone. 

I can almost believe that a woman came up with this tradition of kissing under a mistletoe for one of two reasons:       1) She really liked kissing and thought she might as well come up with different ways of getting as many boys to kiss her as possible

2) She wanted to make some guy (or gal) jealous so she carried this stupid leaf over her head and kissed a bunch of randoms! 

See neither of these possibilities are romantic at all…yet we women (okay, I) still want to be kissed long and passionately under the stupid leaf!  I have had a boyfriend almost every Christmas season (except this one, how sad  :-P) one who did not celebrate Christmas so mistletoe was not a possibility and another one who celebrated as an actual religious holiday, for the spirit of the season, to be with family and friends, not to encourage silly traditions. 

I think I am going to put on my “must have’s in a man”, a man who will surprise me under the mistletoe!  Maybe Christmas 2011 will be my Christmas, will I still be blogging then?  Will you still be reading?  2011 brings about so many possibilities I almost wish I could skip ahead to all the good parts!  All I know, is if a man is in the kissing mood next Christmas, I WILL have a mistletoe and I will carry it around! 

Hope this last week before Christmas is good to us all!

XOXO Nikilee


The day everyone who works a regular 9-5 job relishes, waits for and dreams about…


Where are my fireworks??  hmmmm…maybe it’s because this weekend is going to be all Christmas cheer and “fun” and I am still enjoying wallowing in my own self-pity? 

Tonight will be okay.  I am going to N’s house for a girly night of movies, gossip and griping!  It’s actually one of my favourite ways to spend a Friday night.  But tomorrow…my mother and her boyfriend G will be coming down for our annual Christmas gift exchange.  It’s not that I don’t like seeing my mother, because despite everything, I do,  I love her.  I have tried hard to not love her, to hate her, but she gave me life and a pretty great start in life and she was smart enough to know that leaving me in my fathers care when they divorced would be the best chance I would have at having a “normal” life. 

It’s the fact since me and my ex broke up in October I have not seen either of them so I know all the questions will be thrown at me and I don’t honestly think I am ready to answer them.  My therapist says to be straight with anyone who asks and just tell them I don’t want to talk about it.

Isn’t that easier said then done though?  I have talked about our breakup, with my friends, my therapist and periodically with my father.  But I seriously don’t believe Christmas is the right time to discuss such things.  I am doing everything in the little power I have left to make this Christmas a great one for all my friends and family.  I went overboard with gift giving but I loved every minute of it!  If that one thing gives me pleasure, I will be damned if anyone can take it away from me!

Anyways, I am rambling and have gone off topic.  MY WEEKEND – a visit with N for a girly night tonight, visiting with my mom and G for Christmas and my first weigh in at WW since starting the new points plus program (I must say I LOVE that fruits are 0 points!) I have been eating a lot of fruit this week! 

Wish me luck, and I will be back to post Monday about how “great” my weekend before Christmas was!

XOXO Nikilee

There comes a time…

In every relationship (or at least in the relationships I know of) there is one person who needs to tune out or turn off the TV and tune into or turn on, their partner. 

This is my situation.  I watch a lot of TV.  When I say a lot – I am sure, next to my father who ONLY watches TV, I could win some kind of guiness world record.  I PVR about 8 regular shows per week, plus Criminal Minds whenever it is on – which in reality is every single day sometimes 2-3 times per day! 

Plus I watch shows at their regular time as well without PVRing it.  I’d like to say I have a life, but in reality – I have very little that resembles an interesting, fun, exciting life.  I may be a little more like my father then I care to admit.  Since I crave attention (beg for it, plead for it, worship it) if I don’t get it, I tend to focus my attention on those of my TV characters.  I get so wrapped up in stories, I have been known to stay up way past my “bedtime” and just watch more TV to see what’s happening next. 

But again, it all boils down to the fact that I Nikilee  am an attention whore.   Give me attention and I don’t feel the need to watch what Victor Newman is doing to ruin his children’s lives on Y&R, I don’t care who is outwitting the mother figure on Survivor and I could even say I would stop wishing that Derek Morgan on Criminal Minds was MY husband (well maybe). 

My obsession with TV has been a cause of turmoil for me with many of my relationships – with bf’s and bff’s alike.  I deny them the pleasure of spending time with me, of talking to me and of hanging out with me because sometimes it’s just easier to watch other people’s lives, then to face your own.  Especially when you’re not happy in it. 

I know I keep adding new goals for 2011, but this isn’ t a goal so much as it’s an addition to one of my first goals (accept any and all invitations that come my way).  I am going to STOP PVRing every little show I feel I may at some point want to watch.  I will still keep 7th Heaven because I have watched it from episode 1 and I am hoping they go right through the whole series – and besides it’s family friendly TV, but I am going to “gulp” take out Y&R and all my Criminal Minds.  I am not going to watch all the new seasons that start in January except my two favourite (Vampire Diaries – oh Stefan) and (Glee – and mainly this is because I wish my life were a musical where I could actually sing!)!  I am going to scrapbook again, and blog more, spend time with friends, see my nieces and nephew, go to movies, go for walks…anything that helps cure me from my addiction, or as I have mentioned – my obsession!

Now, leave me be as I go ponder how I will live the next year with less of Victor and Derek – I’ll miss you

…see I am sadly a little pathetic!  LOL

XOXO Nikilee

The Biggest Loser – who me?

So last night The Biggest Loser aired their finale.  It was good – to many commercials as per usual – but the contestants looked great and declared to feel great! 

As I was watching, I got thinking about my own weight loss journey.  I was a “bigger” girl up until high school when I lost all my baby fat, grew a few inches (ya I am only 5’3 now so I needed the growth!) and started feeling good about my looks.  When I started University I slowly gained the freshman 15 and added another 5-10 pds a year every year since.  I have tried every pill and fad and have since realized that a lifestyle change is really the only way to go. 

It’s not about how fast you run the race, only that you finish…right?  Right!

So I looked to the one place I knew wouldn’t force pills down my throat or cut out all my yummy carbs…I have been messaging on the Weight Watchers boards for two years now and have finally decided to join a meeting group.  I have lost a pound or two every week for the last four weeks (except last week I gained two – but damn Christmas parties and pastries makes it hard!).  I think this is the route I am going to succeed on.  I don’t need to be losing 10 + pds a week.  That is not realistic for me!  Losing a pound, maybe two when I am good will make me happy and help me sustain this weight loss long term – like forever

When I was watching Biggest Loser I couldn’t help but notice how attractive this one contestant, Mark, was.  He has lost 208 pds!  Great for him!  I felt so superficial though because I remember when he came on the show 200+ pds heavier that I did not find him attractive at all.  I mean his personality was great and if I was single and got to know him, I probably wouldn’t care so much about the weight, but now I would base him completely on looks!  I feel evil!

  Am I evil?  No.  I think most people have to feel a physical attraction to someone before giving them the time of day.  But then, as a single (almost 30 year old) woman, do I stand a chance of someone being attracted to me?  I am definitely not as large as these contestants are, but I am a larger girl.  But I have a big heart too and I am smart, have a great job, am kind, friendly and special in many other ways.  I really hope that when people look at me they see all those amazing qualities and not just the “fullness” of my butt or belly! 

One day I hope to be able to stand on the WW scales as a healthy, thin woman who has the same qualities mentioned above, but I still hope that whatever guy shows interest in me, still looks at my qualities as the reason he wants to get to know me.  Another goal for 2011 – not to judge a book by it’s cover!

XOXO Nikilee

“It sucks to be alone”

Or so the good people at my favourite diamond store want us all to believe in their new advertisement…

But does it really?  I thought about that this morning on my slooooow ride into work (gotta love Toronto winters).  I came to the conclusion that yes SOMETIMES it sucks to be alone.  Especially at this time of year, when everyone is so happy and “joy to the worlding” all over town. 

But why it sucks can change over time and even differ on the same day.  I have been alone (aka single) at numerous points throughout my life, and it hasn’t always sucked…sometimes its been the best time of my life.  I had a couple of months in between boyfriends where my best friend took me to NYC and gave me an amazing tour of my now, favourite city.  Another time me and another  friend had a summer of adventures, dancing to Spice Girls and flirting with cute boys.  What is the common denominator here…my friendships! 

I have some amazing friendships.  Friends I would give anything to and for.  I don’t consider my self to be the most social person in the world, but I have a handful of great friends (most of whom don’t know each other) that I can lean on, bitch with, party with, dance with, eat with, nap with…you name it!  I love each and every one of you and you have all at one time or another helped me get through the sad part of “being alone”.

Almost turning (30) adds a whole new dimension of “suckiness”.  I had always assumed I would be married young with lots of little babies running around.  But dreams change and evolve.  I still dream about being married with babies, but obviously unless I order a husband online (ewwww) my timeline will have to change.  I know my family probably assumes it’s just never gonna happen for me.  I mean my brother had his kids young and got married this year (finally) and I have had two very long-term relationships that could have turned out great in the marriage/kids dept., but again, it didn’t happen.  It’s when I think of these things though that I realize even though it does sometimes suck to be alone, I am also truly blessed.  I have had two wonderful relationships with men that I don’t doubt loved me and I loved them.  Not everyone can say that…

I am going to enjoy this single time and try to move quickly past the “sucky” days into the fun days where I experience new adventures and spend time with my great friends mentioned above! 

My advice: hmmmm…if you feel like “it sucks to be alone”, then it probably does.  But there are some great people in your life, just waiting for the opportunity to make it better!  Let them!

XOXO Nikilee

Am “I” really doing this…

…It appears so

I have read blog after blog and I always thought “hmmm I would like to start a blog” I mean I have lots to say that I don’t normally get to.  I want to start out by saying that 2010 has sucked ass big time! Can you swear in blog world?? I am turning 30 on January 10 2011 and I am praying, hoping, begging for a much better year.  Do I sound desperate, well I am in many ways, however I don’t want to focus on the past, it’s over.  Instead I am going to blog about all the great and possibly not so great things that happen to me over the next year! 

Are you ready for ME? I am…as much as I love Christmas, I don’t this year and I am READY for 2011 to start.

Here are a list of goals (not resolutions cause let’s face it no one ever completes a resolution list) I want to accomplish within the next year:

1. I joined Weight Watchers in October 2010 and I would like to lose minimum 25 pds this year!

2. My credit card is maxed with school fees, shoes and clothes and my car etc etc.  If I stick to the budget I have created for myself then I will have no credit card debt by January 2012!

3. I have not travelled very much in my life and I would like to travel more.  I don’t care where really.  I would just like to travel to 2 or more places this year. 

4. My hope is that I won’t turn down ANY invitations this year.  If someone wants to go out – I am going out (unless it doesn’t work with the budget I talked about in number 2).

5. Last one…I lost the love of my life this year and my goal is to enjoy being single, enjoy being me and maybe even figure out who I am.  I am not saying I won’t date this year (or maybe even get back with said ex?!) but I need some time for self discovery, self love and a whole lot of fun!

So this is what my blog will be about…me…in all my honest glory, the good, the bad and the ugly!  It’s possible no one will even read this, and worse off, possibly trash me on the internet!  But I need this…and I can’t wait to see what the blog, and 2011 brings me!

xoxo Nikilee