Everybody dies, but not everybody lives!


After months of feeling stagnant and unsure of myself or my future, I finally feel like I am living again, or at least able to see myself living!  I Nikilee30 was FLIRTING again.  I mean I haven’t flirted with someone in months!  I am the queen of flirting, I always get in trouble for my flirtatious manner.  I mean my ex would always tease me about my flirting, but since last year, other than with K, I haven’t flirted at all, at least not successfully.  But last night talking to N (Eharm guy) I actually had a fun time, joking around and flirting!  TA-DA!  Ya me! 

Last night I made these yummy Filet Mignon’s from m&m’s.  All I did was broil them for 30 minutes (15 min each side) and seasoned them with Mrs Dash and they were absolutely heaven!  I am not even a good cook (at all – seriously), but I ate it up with numerous points to spare!  I have the other one for lunch today and while I know it won’t be as good re-heated, I am looking forward to it! 

Tonight I will be going by the Scarborough Town Centre – I need to pick up furnishings (a.k.a bra’s and underwear).  I can’t wait till I can go shopping at Ricki’s and maybe be a size smaller – 16 pds down – a whole lot still to go, but I am determined now more than ever and I will succeed on my own – by living my life to the fullest!

XOXO Nikilee

Dating is like a box of Chocolates…

You never know what you’re gonna get…

Well thankfully, my date with N last night went well.  We met for coffee, chatted and had a pretty good time considering the blindness of our date!  I left pretty happy!  We txted back and forth last night and hopefully we’ll see each other again. 

I am horrible at dating, I have never really “dated”.  Not the way you see on tv anyway.  I mean, I usually have always dated someone I knew prior, a friend or a friend of a friend.  I am a relationship kind of girl, this dating thing is soooo new to me.  I like it though.  All the nervous anticipation – at least on my part – but like many other things in life, I believe dating is a skill you can improve with practice.  So I look forward to improving this skill!  LOL…

I always feel like I talk to much, or don’t talk enough – what if there is silence – can’t it be a comfortable silence even in the beginning – if so, why does it always feel awkward?  What topics are taboo – I know bringing up the ex is supposed to be off-limits, but I have two very long relationships and most of the last ten years I have had a boyfriend who was a big part of my life so it’s hard not to mention something.  I know there are a million and one books on dating, but really – reading a book for dating…it just shouldn’t be that hard or complicated.  I will figure it all out, I mean if I can get this far in life successfully I am NOT going to let dating defeat me!

Today is mentoring day which always makes me happy!  However I must admit I am so excited for the day to be over and for me to go home, cook dinner, shower, get in my pj’s and watch the Biggest Loser with my dad – Tuesday night tradition!

Have a great Tuesday ya’ll!

XOXO Nikilee

A weekend of good news and peace!

So Friday when I went to my specialist office she gave me great news!  My wound, after two freaking years has finally closed!  WOOT WOOT!  I joked about how my ex was sabotaging my healing efforts so he could spend more time with me – but really my body just likes to take its own sweet time with healing.  BUT IT’S OVER! 

Friday night R and K, my nieces, slept over and we watched Megamind.  What a horrible movie – Will Farrell, Brad Pitt – you should be ashamed for making such a lame child’s movie.  But the girls had fun and they loved it. 

Saturday, after dropping the girl’s home and picking up their mother, I went to my weekly weight watchers meeting – I was down another 1.8.  Could this weekend get any better???  YES!  Cause my sister lost 3.2 and my two friends A and C I go with also lost weight!  We are all losers baby! 

Saturday afternoon was N’s sons 2nd birthday so there was a tonne of kids (littles and biggies) and I was fairly well-behaved.  I had one cupcake, no hot dogs and no pop!  Go me!  J was adorable and everyone seemed to be having a great time!  After everyone left me, K and N and her family all went to Jack Astors for dinner.  I had a steak, veggies and mashed potatoes – overall it was a high point dinner, but that’s what weekly points are for right!  At Jack’s I saw this girl who is a good friend of the above mentioned ex.  She didn’t mention him, but just politely said hi.  More than I could have expected from her so that was good – the last thing I want to do is re-hash my ex files to his friends and in front of MY friends!  Ick.

Sunday was church (Global Kingdom Ministries in Scarborough) and grocery shopping.  This seems to be my new Sunday ritual.  Church was great as always, my sister is coming with me next week and it was nice to come home and relax, watch movies (Confessions of a shopaholic and Love and Other Drugs).

I talked to Eharm guy quite a bit this weekend and we are supposed to meet today for coffee after work.  Wish me luck!!!

The only crappy thing this weekend was me falling down my front steps in front of the house and landing on my side.  All my muscles hurt – they have hurt since yesterday now.  It’s my own fault.  I didn’t shovel the stairs after the big snow last week and the porch doesn’t get enough sun long enough to melt.  Needless to say I have thrown a tonne of salt down so that won’t happen again!

Have a great week bloggers! 

XOXO Nikilee

Maybe I need Iron?

So I was talking to the guy from EHarm yesterday through text and it was like 9:30ish.  I turned my tv off as there was nothing on and I wanted to talk to A – who is now N (long story).  I sent a text and the next thing I know my alarm is going off and its 6 am!!!  I checked my phone – yep he had texted me a couple of times and then guessed I had fallen asleep – shoot me now.  I make such great impressions right!  A 30-year-old woman who can’t stay awake past 9:30.  I am going to be single forever!  LOL

Thankfully he joked about me falling asleep so hopefully he isn’t too insulted.  N if you ever read this – I swear I did NOT fall asleep because of our conversation…I think maybe I need to add Iron to my vitamin list.  UGH!  So sorry!  xoxox

I would like to vent today about alllll the people driving on the 401 yesterday around 4:30.  In Toronto the weather has been really decent.  The snow was gone, the roads dry.  Yesterday we got walloped with 10-14 cm of snow.  Okay, we have been dealing with snow since December!  How did you all forget how to drive in it?? I get it, its slippery and we all must drive with caution.  I have no problem with that, I was expecting my drive time to be probably double what it normally is – but triple!  REALLY???  I wish it was Spring and so do most people, but we live in Canada which means possible snow days until at least May “cast not a clout till May is out” says my father!  Todays drive was much better!  I am so grateful my snow tires are still on my car – she is my baby and if she got hurt, I would kill the sucker that hurt her – okay maybe that’s to dramatic, but I’d be really, REALLY mad!  LOL…

XOXO Nikilee


I am not talking about dreams as in your hopes and dreams…I mean the pain in the ass things your brain conjures up when you are sleeping.

So for 7 (SEVEN) nights straight I had a dream with a recurring theme – the ex, being his now usual jack ass self with A.  BUT last night…I had a fantastic dream, if not a little creepy.  Because I love to share – here I go.

I was at this place where I was handing out books.  I saw Damon (from Vampire Diaries) and he was about to kill someone (aka bite them).  I screamed so instead he grabbed me and ran (Twilight style) to a house he shared with his brother (Stefan).  Now I know this seems insane so far…but I love these two men and I was so happy it kept going…

Stefan fell in love with me – of course – but Damon also had feelings for me, but he wouldn’t admit them, he just sulked and acted annoyed whenever I was near Stefan.  Now the only thing that sucked at this point in the dream was that Stefan was feeding off my blood and it hurt whenever he would cut me to get some blood.  I saw a lot of crazy stuff/stuff that should have terrified me, but again, I was never scared.

Now I knew these people in my dream who hated Vampires so as me and the boys were walking along the Skywalk in Toronto, one of the people grabs me and tells me to close my eyes, being startled, I do.  Then the next thing I know Stefan is staked and dies and something happened to Damon as well.  I was left crying on the floor for both men.  Intense right – okay maybe not, but I loved it (not the death part).

Okay so yes I watch too much TV we already came to this conclusion…BUT I have not watched Vampire Diaries or Twilight in weeks!  In fact there has been no Vampire tv shows or movies or books on my rader.  I don’t know why I dreamed this…could Stefan and Damon really be A and K…HAHAHA  wouldn’t that be just like my brain to play tricks on me. 

Ya these are the guys I loved and who loved me back – what a great dream!  I love my dreams sometimes…

On to more interesting things…E-harmony is going okay.  I am still talking to that same guy I told you about last week.  Another guy messaged me so we will see what happens there.  I don’t understand most men, clearly, but one guy R sent me an icebreaker  “seeing your face made me smile”.  I thought that was sweet, so even though I wasn’t that impressed by his profile, I sent him some questions and he what did he do – he closed contact with me!!??  WTF!  Why send an icebreaker if you are not interested??  Dumb men.  It’s fun though to talk to new people…I am just glad I haven’t been matched with anyone I know yet – that would suck!

Have a great hump day everyone!

XOXO Nikilee

On-line dating…uh huh

So I have been sending questions back and forth to one guy A and we seem to want the same things in a relationship – he seems nice, he’s a bit young (27), but I am trying not to let that affect anything.  I mean I am only just turned 30 right.  Two other guys I sent questions to closed our match so being rejected kinda sucks, but I mean, I have turned down and closed a few matches as well so I guess I shouldn’t feel bad if not every guy I want to talk to doesn’t feel like talking back to me.  😦  LOL

I really wonder sometimes how they match people.  I mean I specifically have said I am looking for a husband and I want a family.  They are matching me with guys who say “maybe” to wanting children.  I don’t even bother looking at them, because I know what I want.  I am not going to waste energy trying to convince a guy to have a family.  I already spent 5 years with M and 5 years with A wanting a family and getting nothing but disappointment.  I am not giving up hope that maybe E Harm will be successful for me, I just need to get my head straight and let go of the past and look forward to the future.  We will see, time will tell!

It’s Friday people!  Enjoy your weekend, have fun, party, relax, sleep in and eat yummy food!  I’ll be back on Monday!

XOXO Nikilee

Happy St Patrick’s Day

Hello everyone!

So today is the day the Irish get to celebrate!  Wear your green and wear it proud!

Now while I am not Irish I am still wearing my green in support of St Patrick’s  Day and I know that if I liked beer I would go and drink a pint of  green beer along with everyone else this evening, but I don’t so I am not going to.  But at work today we are having a potato lunch with all the trimmings!  YUMM

On another note, I signed into E Harmony the other day, just to see what could happen.  I mean you never know right…I could meet my actual Prince Charming and if not, well at least I will meet some new people and maybe even go on a date or two.  It could happen (couldn’t it?).  I will update you all with my dating adventures if it does.  So far I have made contact with 4 guys and one guy A has sent me a couple of messages now so we will see!!!  Wish me luck (or if you know a guy between 30-38 who lives in or near Toronto who is gainfully employed, single and an actual “nice guy” you can send him my way!  LOL…

Have a great GREEN day everyone!

XOXO Nikilee

Am I going to start a riot?

So last night I decided to get to my PVR list.  On it was the Season 2 premier of “Sister Wives”.  Now let me start off by saying I do not agree with this lifestyle, it is NOT how I would ever choose to live my life. 

HOWEVER I do believe that everyone has a right to live their life anyway they choose to as long as it is mutually agreeable to everyone involved and no one gets hurt.  All of the wives on “Sister Wives” have chosen this lifestyle and for most of them it is the life they knew they wanted from a very young age.  This poor family is being taunted by the police and the paparazzi.  I don’t know the current situation as this was taped back in the fall, but I pray to GOD that this family is being left alone to love each other and raise their children!  There are so many single families, abusive families, unhappy families and tormented families that really this family seems pretty great!  They are happy.  They have chosen their life and no one is getting hurt – leave them alone people. 

Okay that is my gripe for the day.  I saw all the harassing that this family was getting and it made me angry that a family who loves each other, who work together for the good of all its members is being made out to seem evil just because they are different. 

Have a great Tuesday my friends

XOXO Nikilee

Hair today gone tomorrow

Yep so I cut my hair!  I know I always say I am going to cut my hair and it ends up trimmed, but Saturday I went in and Susan cut it off – all off – I had at least 6-7 inches cut away and I can no longer throw my rat’s nest is a pony tail. 

So do you love it?  I do!  It’s also been coloured a lot darker.  I was trying to go blond again, but the process was to long and the upkeep to expensive.  So I am now a brunette with short hair!  I must say I am happy!  A new look a new me!  WOOT WOOT

On Sunday I took my niece R out to a Raptors game!  She loved it.  I also bought her a jersey with her name on it.  She was super happy!  The Raps lost but it was still a great day out with my baby girl. 

The only downfall yesterday was really when we got to our seats and R screamed “HEY THERE’S A”  Yep, my ex was working the game and while he couldn’t see us from where we were sitting, I saw him and the tears came and my breathing quickened, but then I remembered the past year and the agony I have already suffered because of him.  After texting my friend K, I realised that he could no longer make me feel anyway I didn’t choose to feel!  I was at a game with my niece, why should someone have the power to ruin such a special day.  So I didn’t.  I swallowed my tears, closed my eyes and took a deep breath and let it go.  I enjoyed the game and every time I saw A on the floor my heart skipped a beat, but I turned away and kept on trucking…

Today I am going to Makimono with my younger niece K and my sister-in-law.  I must say that life is looking up.  Great friends and great family time make Nikilee a very happy lady!        

I hope you all had a lovely weekend, I would love to hear any stories you may have!  Enjoy your day and I will talk to you soon!

XOXO Nikilee

It’s Friday already

So I know you are not supposed to complain when Friday comes about, and I am not really…it’s just been a crazy week having been off sick Wednesday, at the job fair Thursday and today at P’s mom’s funeral. 

What a beautiful service it was though.  The church was gorgeous and the prayers and hymns made me question my own faith (or lack thereof).  I haven’t been to church in a few years even though I feel very comfortable and at home at Global Kingdom Ministries in Scarborough.  I don’t know why I stopped going, I guess I was hoping my ex would come with me, to build our relationship with each other and with God.  But he never did.  He always had a reason – he was working, he had baseball etc etc…and for some reason I let that impact my own relationship with God.  Now I am not the preachy type, I will never tell you to believe in God because I am to new to the church to even begin to understand what that would mean for someone’s life.  I have been touched by God and I know many families who believe in the Lord or of a God other than the one Christians believe in and they all feel like He has touched their lives and the lives of those around him on a constant basis. 

I want to start going to church again.  For myself, not for my ex or for my friends or for my family, but for ME.  Because I choose the life I lead, and I haven’t led a happy one for a long time. 

I went and saw S last night, my therapist, and we talked about what I am now looking for in a man.  It was simple and yet not so simple at the same time.  I am looking for a husband, or at least someone who wants to be a husband, and a father to the children I want to have.  But even more so then that, I am looking for someone who simply just loves me and can say it to me AND show it to me.  Someone who can communicate with me and whom I can discuss MY fears with and HIS fears with.  I want someone who puts our relationship first because I will do the same thing for him.  Anyway, that’s just what we have been talking about. 

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend filled with surprises and happiness!  Take care till Monday!

XOXO Nikilee