I changed my mind…again

So after listening to my aunt – whom I love dearly, and many, many co-workers, I have decided to give dream guy another date.  I felt a connection with him, which scared me and I know it did, but I can’t give up on love or on me because of the ghosts in my closet.

So me and dream guy have been talking over texts for the past couple days, getting more intense lately.  Today I agreed to see him on Saturday.  Movies, talking, dinner…who knows, maybe my life will be made easier, maybe more difficult.  But I have to see, I have to try, even if I end up hurting us both more.  It’s only fair.  I can’t let my fears of the past, stop me from living in the present.

Meanwhile, over in another part of my brain, are the weddings that are popping up.  I have one next weekend and one two weeks later.  I have nothing to wear!  I have to shop with K on Friday because I am out of ideas…I wanna look great and feel great, but I need to find something fabulous.  I am so excited for my friends, but I am also excited to have a good night with my other friends that are invited to the weddings, dancing, eating and drinking – not in that order!!!  LOL

Life is pretty interesting right now, my blogs will hopefully get much more interesting in the coming weeks!!!

Have a great Wednesday night everyone!

XOXO Nikilee

Feeling a bit blue today

I met a guy that asked me for coffee yesterday.  Being single, and having nothing else to do yesterday, I readily agreed.  It was a great coffee date (okay Vanilla Bean Frappacino, but you know what I mean).  We just talked and laughed and kissed good-bye.  We talked most of the night and the connection seemed to be pretty good.  However, there were a few things he said (and the way he said them) that made me second guess everything.

I woke up at 4 am after a dream of us on opposite sides of a room not able to reach each other.  I was unable to fall asleep again and by the time my alarm went off at 7:30 I knew I would not be seeing him again. I messaged him, then went to church and prayed about it.  I feel so lame, I mean we only knew each other a day.  Why would I be upset about losing a possible relationship that never had time to get started??

When I came home there was a message from him – he was upset and wanted to know why I felt the way I did.  I tried to explain, but everything didn’t feel quite so bad as they had at 4 am.  I stayed strong and even though he asked me to reconsider, I said no.

I have spent the past year trying to figure out what went wrong with my ex and understand my part of it.  I have read and thought and blogged and really contemplated what I want from a relationship, hence why I had to end things with Richard.  I don’t want to end up in the same situation – crazy about a guy I can’t see a future with.

I just worry that one day I may regret ending things before they even began.  I mean, he is a good man, has a big family, has a daughter (whose picture is adorable) is financially stable and really liked me for me.  What if I end up alone??  What if I let the devastation of losing my ex ruin every possibility?  Am I being nit picky?  I always seem to second guess myself when it comes to guys now.

He said we may be able to be friends, I hope that is possible.

What a way to spend Thanksgiving…

XOXO Nikilee

Vacation Days

I know, it’s one day and I am acting like I have the next 4 weeks off.  I just love having a day off work.  I am thankful for it.  Whats that??  Thankful??  hmmmm….in honour of Thanksgiving I am going to talk about being thankful today.

I am thankful that I live in a country where I have the CHOICE to vote in elections.  Now I am not going to say if I voted because it’s no ones business.  After the last few days of election craziness and having to hear everyone’s opinion on the topic, I m still convinced that voting is a right, not an obligation.  No one changed my mind.  Sometimes I vote and sometimes I don’t.  If I know, and believe in a candidate, I will.  If I am ignorant towards the campaigns and just going to vote cause someone tells me to, then I won’t and I will not feel guilty for that – ever – so please no pro voting feedback okay.

I am thankful that I have one nephew who is 15 and is way smarter than he gives himself credit for and two beautiful nieces who couldn’t be more different and whom I just adore.  Despite some questionable decisions that have been made on their behalf, all three are wonderful kids and I look forward to seeing them mature into adults.

I talk on here all the time about my girlfriends, well I want to ensure you – you are whom I live for.  You have all touched my life in such a unique way and saying I am thankful for you all just doesn’t seem like enough.

My dad is alive and as strong as he can be at this point in his life.  He is looking forward to family dinner on Sunday and I will throw myself in front of anything or anyone who ruins that for him.  I have been feeling like crap lately so I have not been the best support for him, but I will do what I have to do to ensure he has many years ahead of him and that he enjoys every second he has!!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone, I hope you all have at least one thing to be thankful for!

XOXO Nikilee

Today is my Thursday – even though it’s Wednesday

So last night after dosing myself with 2 NyQuil, I woke up – feeling better!!  🙂  Yay me!  I guess knocking yourself out is a good remedy.

I am getting very frustrated when I wake up in the morning though because the music I have been waking up to is the same crap over and over again. Lady Gaga, Britney Spears etc – do I want to hear the same screeching every morning when I wake up – no.  So I hit snooze and crash for ten more minutes – I do this about three times before I force myself out of bed regardless of the crap playing.  I love my morning show though which is why I refuse to change my radio station.  Roz and Mocha are hilarious and have a great show when they actually talk.  They just play way to much music.  Such is life I guess…but I will so happy Friday morning when I can wake up naturally and not being blasted out of bed with music I would rather spill a good drink on then listen to.

After getting ready this morning I left with enough time to get Tim Hortons and relax at work for 20 minutes or so before people started bugging me about PAYE and SCORE and all the other stuff I have to do.  HOWEVER this morning I somehow got stuck behind one of those scooter/moped things that go like 40 clicks/hr and I couldn’t get around him!!!  I wanted to honk or cuss or something, but those stupid things are legal!!!!  Whose idea was it to allow really slow vehicles on the road during rush hour???

Today was a full day in the office, no meetings, no workshops!  Hallelujah! It was nice to sit at my desk and respond to emails and complete projects and meet with clients.  We were super short-staffed, but we work together well so it worked out.

I have had two cups of coffee and I have decided that while coffee gives me that much-needed energy boost, they make my breath smell gross so I am no longer going to drink it at work because my client’s get way to close for me to have breath to kill.  I will have to find another means of boosting myself up halfway through the day.

This weekend is Thanksgiving and the family will be over for a cooked turkey dinner.  I am looking forward to being back at church on Sunday though.  I wasn’t there last week because of the Bachelorette in Niagara Falls so I am interested in seeing what I missed last week and just thanking God for everyday I am given with my family and my friends.

Have a great Wednesday everyone!

XOXO Nikilee

I’m to busy to be sick

So the worse possible thing that could have happened has happened.  I am sick.  I knew it was coming, I mean I have been going non-stop since my dad had his heart attack and I was stunned my body gave me so much for the past 10 weeks.

I know I have been a bit MIA for the last little bit, but I have been busy moving, thinking and acting.  Now is the time where I can share with you all.  Richard and I are no longer together.  We broke up a few weeks ago.  I just realized he is a very nice man whom I will never stop caring about, but whom I cannot give all of myself to at this time and it wasn’t fair to him.  I wish him all the luck and love in the world.

I have been looking after my father – making sure he has his food, his pills, that he has attended all his appointments and is in general – comfortable.  He has seen his doctors and they all are very happy with how well he is doing since his massive heart attack back in July.  I love my father and I will do everything in my power to ensure he is a happy, content man until the Lord decides it’s time.  NOW is NOT his time.

Work has been a little more than foolish.  I have attended two, week-long trainings.  One was on Life Skills Coaching and one was Facilitation training.  They were both amazing experiences where I learned a lot, probably more than any other training I have attended.  Everyone is talking strike, layoffs and lockouts in my field.  I mean the City is in debt and the mayor wants to kill that debt.  I am just hoping that people are not part of the gravy train.  All of my co-workers give themselves to their job including myself and layoffs would not only hurt office morale, it would destroy it.  I am keeping my faith in the Lord strong because I know that believing in Him will get me through this round of contract negotiations.

I was in Niagara Falls on Saturday when a very ironic thought hit me.  As of October first 2011 I have been home, away from the ex for one full year.  I know we broke up the July before, but we continued living together until October so I have always thought of that month as the end of the end.  I say it was ironic that I thought of it in Niagara because Niagara I always thought of as “our place” since we went there so often and had our official first date there.  Now I was there with girl friends for M’s bachelorette party with 9 other ladies so the situation was extremely different, if it hadn’t been I might have reacted differently.  So much has changed in a year and I cannot help but think, if I was the girl I am now back then maybe things would have turned out differently.

When I say this, don’t get me wrong, this break-up was no way near all of my fault and lots of things went down that had nothing to do with me, but I do take my responsibility in the break-up quite seriously and I know I was a disappointment and that hurts because he was my best-friend and I have lost my best-friend and part of that is my fault.  However I have changed, I am stronger, smarter, busier, healthier and happier then I have been in numerous years.  Part of this is because of my girl-friends and part of this is because of me.  If I ever get to truly love again and give my all to someone, I don’t want to ever screw it up – or hurt someone the way I hurt my ex.  I have taken this year and grown.  I can truly say I am proud of me.  I am a great person.

Another reason I have been so busy is that I am taking ASL 2 at Seneca College.  I completed ASL 1 with  4.0 average and I felt like I was really good at signing, however since starting part 2 three weeks ago, I have felt like a fish outta water.  I barely can even think of the correct signs I want to use let alone execute them!!!  It’s frustrating, but it’s something I will concur!!  I have never let a course I enjoyed beat me before and I ain’t going to start now!

So this is me blogging friends, I am busy, but I am happy – well other than being sick – but in general life is good.  I miss certain people whom are no longer  a part of my life ( and I am not talking about the ex, well not entirely) but other people who aren’t here with me any more sharing this journey with me, but I am still moving forward and I love that!  I hope you all have missed me, because I miss all of you.  Have a great evening my friends

XOXO Nikilee