Do as I say, not as I do

I give advice a lot.  It’s part of my job as an employment case worker.  But I give advice to friends and family and strangers and pets and inanimate objects all the time (am I crazy – well a bit ya).  Rarely though do I tend to follow my own advice.  Maybe it’s cause I am a woman, but I am pretty sure it’s because I carefully consider everyone I advise and their situation and tell them what I truly think could help them change their life and for me…changing my own life is scary.

Recently I told someone who I care about deeply that they should go and visit the cemetery where their grandmother is buried.  A death of a family member is torturous, but for some reason, gramma’s tend to hurt that little bit more.  Maybe it’s because they are so loving and so tender and are the glue that holds most families together.  I am not sure, but I know in my heart that when someone is sad or hurt or confused, they go to their gramma.  Well this friend is no exception.  Except they hadn’t visited her since her passing. 

I know it was the right advice to give, but then I have to think “hey pot meet kettle”.  My grandmother was buried three months ago today.  Because of Christmas, the Dominican trip etc, I have had very little time to actually be sad and think of how much I miss her, but it’s still there.  I haven’t visited her plot since the day she was buried and I am not quite sure I can yet.  I know I want to and that I could be strong and probably not even cry, but the 6 foot walls around my heart have been damaged lately and I am not sure how much more damage I want done. 

Seeing my gramma and grandpa together in one plot will be so bittersweet.  I know theirs was a love so pure and true it withstood time, but at the same time, I don’t have that.  I, in all reality, was a bit of a disappointment to my grandmother in that sense.  I mean she passed believing me and GBF were still together because I couldn’t dare disappoint her and tell her our relationship had failed.  Yet that is exactly what happened regardless of whose fault it was.  If I go there to see her and talk to her, I will have to be honest and tell her everything that happened and everything that’s happened up to this point in my life.  It will make me sad.  So while I know my advice for my friend was right on; that he should visit and mourn and be sad, I am not quite sure I can do the same. 

I miss the relationship I had with my grandmother – prior to her dementia, where she took care of me and I knew I couldn’t disappoint her.  Everything since then, has been muddy.  I have a lot to think about and to assess the strength I have.  I’ll keep you posted!

XOXO Nikilee

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