A little nervous about anxiety

I have been taking anxiety medications for just over two years now.  This all started when GBF and I ended our relationship and I lost not only my lover, my apartment, but I lost my best friend.  Things were rough for a long time and as much as I know medication isn’t the best way to solve your problems, for me, it worked and it was needed. 

I also started smoking, which helped me in ways that I am aware no one believes does.  Smoking is a horrible habit that I revert back to every time shit hits the fan because it’s easy.  So between the medication and the smoking, I got through the longest, loneliest year of my life. 

Then my dad had his heart attack and I almost lost the only man who has never disappointed me, who changed my world in ways he will never know and for which I’ll always be grateful.  The anxiety was exploding. 

Slowly he got better and so did I. 

But then my Nana passed away and the slow grip I had gained on my life crashed.  Now I know what you are all thinking because at times of clarity I did too.  THINGS HAPPEN, YOU NEED TO LEARN TO COPE!

Of course I do and of course bad things happen all the time.  I can’t revert to smoking and anxiety medication to calm me and keep me cool.  But you know what, until you have walked in my shoes – lets keep the judging to a minimum.

I started CBT (Cognative Behavioural Therapy) in December 2011.  I learned slowly how to look at different situations that happen and how to deal with them, accept them and express my opinions on them.  I also met MiMo in February who after only a couple of days broke down some walls I had built up around my heart.  He was so different than anyone I had dated and I needed that and him so badly at the time and I immediately started to feel better

Of course I was also working on healing and patching up my friendship with GBF.  It was never about my love for him or my feelings towards him, it was my friendship I missed. 

So things got better, I had MiMo, GBF, some great friends who I cherish, my dad is doing well, things with my brother and his wife are good so I started thinking about lowering my dose of my anxiety medication.  I talked to my family doctor and she agreed it was a good time to go to 10 mg.

So even though things with me and MiMo have ended (amicably) and I am sad more often than I care to admit, I have lowered my medication and I have quit smoking (remember when I was sick a couple of weeks ag0 – ya I decided it was the perfect time to quit).  With some crazy things at work and some personal drama that never seems to end, I am not 100% sure it was the best time, but like I said – I KNOW I have to learn to deal with real life. 

Anxiety isn’t a joke – it’s not something you should criticise or deem as a pathetic excuse for attention.  It hurts, a lot, and I have a few friends who have the same medication I do and whom I personally am aware of the trauma they have dealt with in life and you know what – if medication, or smoking, or sleeping or crying helps – than so be it.  Leave people to deal with their lives on their own as long as it doesn’t harm anyone else.

I am hoping that I can stay at the 10 mg for a few months and then go down to 5 and then wean myself off of them.  I hope to have quit smoking permanently (though that one may be easier said then done). Things change every day so I refuse to judge myself as life happens and just take one day at a time. 

Why am I posting all this – I don’t know, I felt like it?  I felt like writing something that may help others know they aren’t alone in the crazy world of anxiety and that they have NOT failed at life because they need some pharmaceutical assistance to help them get through a time in their life. 

Good luck all, happy Wednesday, have a great HUMP day!

XOXO Nikilee

Zumba week 6, but my week 4

Two weeks ago I started feeling sick.  I decided not to go to Zumba because I had no energy and figured a good nights sleep was more important since all those around me seemed to be ill for weeks at a time.

Last week I had the full-blown flu.  Again no Zumba 😦

That meant I hadn’t danced or moved really at all in three weeks!!  I mean seriously, I knew last night was going to suck!

I showed up with papers to sign so D our Zumba instructor could take our picture for her website!  HAHAHA  Really she wanted pictures of me and the other 20 women who are all EXTREMELY older than me pretending we have any idea what we are doing!?  Okay why not??  I signed the papers and pulled my hair extra tight in hopes I would at least look cute while making a fool of myself.

We learned two new dances last night – not a great night for new moves since pictures were being snapped, but hey, I had fun! 

I am slowly learning more and anticipating upcoming moves for dances I have done in the past.  I am enjoying it greatly and hope to continue into the winter!

My favourite dance is still LMFAO “I’m sexy and I know it”.  It makes me smile for two reasons.  A) it reminds me of my trip to the DR last winter and MiMo and B) it means Zumba is almost over for the week and I can start to relax.

Because I was so sick the past two weeks I have decided to get serious about Vitamins (let me side track for a minute here).  I have never been a vitamin girl.  I will take them for a day or two and then never see them for the next month or two until I start trying again.

Well I never want to feel that sick again, so I have started taking a multi-vitamin, B12, D and C.  I know I should take Iron and I will eventually add it in, but for now, these are my breakfast at work in the morning.  I leave them at work because I know I will remember them that way.  At home – I will forget! 

The multi-vitamin makes my pee yellow – like neon yellow!  I know this is too much information, but when this first happened I swear I thought I was dying.  Then a friend told me to relax, that it’s normal!  Thank God, I have NOT been captured by aliens and infected with some weird ailment!  PHEW!

Okay everyone, today is MY Friday as I am off on vacation day tomorrow.  Have a great weekend and relax!

XOXO Nikilee

Third wheel

Being a single lady in a world of couples can sometimes be a strange and unsteady road, but when navigated carefully I find you can do it with class and better your relationships in the long run   ~ Nikilee30

Okay so the other night I had this strange dream.  Granted I have been sick for almost two weeks so I am taking all sorts of medicine and stuff.  In this dream I was always with two people.  These two people were a pair.  Like Crazy Cat lady and her boyfriend.  Kim and her husband.  My two nieces.  My friend N and her son.  All these different scenes took place and I was always the third wheel. 

Now I don’t know what this means – that I will never have a boyfriend or husband or child – (or sister, duh!) but in every situation I was completely comfortable and fit in where I needed to.  I was a mediator, a counsellor, a babysitter and a friend.  I don’t usually feel like a third wheel when I hang out with two people who clearly have the stronger relationship.  I love my friends – married and unmarried and I love my friends children. 

Spending time as a third wheel doesn’t make me feel pathetic or lonely or wanting for more.  Would I love a boyfriend or husband I could argue with but kiss at the end of the night like Crazy Cat Lady and Kim – sure!  But I don’t and I can’t sacrifice my sanity to go online and get one.  The time will come when it’s right – and right now, it’s not.  Do I want a child I can pass on my love and admiration to – OF COURSE!  This more than anything, but right now is not the time and when I know the time is right – I will do what I have to do to have one. 

I am blessed (as I have said on here numerous times) with amazing friends and family and I am fortunate enough that my friends like hanging out with me too and I am constantly a third wheel at many events and gatherings, but I don’t care because I have fun with everyone involved.  Life is SO short, why spend it worrying about being alone, when I am constantly surrounded by loving friends who want to spend time with me!

This past week I have been off work – hence no blogging.  I have been sick as a dog and miserable.  I had GBF over a couple of times to keep me company as he is one of my few friends who doesn’t worry about catching germs (this man never gets sick) and as I started to feel better I was able to visit my friend E for her birthday and dog sit Cairo the Doberman with H. 

See I’m a good dog sitter, he’s sleeping!

I had lots of friends who texted me and kept me company in spirit.  LOL…unfortunately, my father is now sick – and that is NOT good.  He can’t get sick!  He already takes like 30 pills a day.  Sigh, how do you make the worlds most stubborn man healthy??  You leave him alone and let him deal with it.  There really isn’t any other option!

XOXO Nikilee

Sometimes it lasts in love and sometimes it hurts instead

Isn’t Adele clever?  No, okay moving on.

When I was in first year University at tree-huggers Trent deciding what major I would through my money away on choose, I was dating Filipino boy.  We had been dating just under a year when I made the trek to Peterborough from Scarborough (about 2 hours away) to study and learn and prepare myself for the future.  He was okay with me going away because we trusted each other, we were each others first love!  We were going to be together forever.  We cried like babies when he had to leave me at my new residence so I could begin a week of frosh. We knew we would make the distance work.

That lasted about two months.  By my third month in, I was so tired of not getting to see him and only hearing him complain about how much he missed me and was upset I couldn’t talk to him all the time (hello long distance charges) that I became severely overwhelmed and promptly broke up with him. 

My heart-broken, feeling like a complete failure, I complained to my new friends and my old friends.  Meaning my Trent friends and my Scarborough friends.  Funny enough, each group had their own thoughts and opinions.

My Peterborough friends who only knew me for a few months but had seen me everyday for a few months were glad that I had ended things.  They were relieved that I no longer had to talk to him every day instead of hanging out with them.  They wanted me to be social and put myself out there.  Only a couple of them were in long distance relationships and they were quickly dissolving as well. 

My Scarborough friends who had known me for years, but hadn’t seen me in the past few months were horrified!  How could I possible have broken up with Filipino boy!  He is sexy, sweet and totally in love with me!!!  They hadn’t seen the sad Nikilee, the one who cried herself to sleep because she was so overwhelmed with school and family and friends and trying to keep a long distance relationship afloat.

It was hard – we weren’t apart long, a few weeks maybe when I came home for a weekend – ran out of quarters for laundry – and he asked to see me.  As soon as I met up with him, my heart jumped and I knew I would give him whatever he asked.  He asked to be together again.  Immediately I took him back – with a promise to be more understanding on both our parts.  He came to visit me much more often after that and our phone conversations were shortned with longer emails which were free!

Why am I telling you this???

Because I have a friend who is now trying to decide if he should give things another go with his ex.  He tells me he still loves her.  He tells me he was depressed before and didn’t treat her very well towards the end of the relationship, but that things have changed and he has changed and he misses her.  Now I am NOT one to give advice right now – I can’t even get over my own ex, but I do know that if you love someone you should fight for them if you have reason to believe a fight will end up in a win.  He doesn’t.  He doesn’t think she will take him back.  So I said why not try anyway.  I mean the way I see it – if you fight for it and win – then everyone is happy.  If you fight for it and lose – at least you know you have given everything possible and have some closure and can begin to move on.

Relationships are complicated.  What works for one person may not work for another.  I wish my friend all the best in his pursuits and I hope he doesn’t get hurt.  All I know is I would take it as a compliment if an ex fought for me, tried to woo me back into his good books.  Good luck my friend! I’ll be thinking of you!

XOXO Nikilee

I love babies

Avalyn resting with mommy

On Sunday I received the best news! My friends T and N had a beautiful baby girl weighing in at a healthy 8 pounds 8 ounces!  There was some complications and N had to have an emergency c-section to get the little darling out, but thankfully – I prayed really hard – everyone is okay and everyone is doing really well!

I couldn’t wait to visit them last night – especially after the day I had with pipes bursting, children coworkers complaining and fire alarms going off – so when I finally got to see baby Avalyn Audrina I couldn’t have been more happier if I tried. 

She is so beautiful – and you know how some people say babies are cute but really they are just being nice?  Come on we ALL know someone whose kid was a little funky looking – well Avalyn is a pure beauty.  I loved her from the first moment I saw her! 

I am so happy for T and N.  They are going to make great parents and I cannot wait to see them both thrive at their new job as caregivers for Avalyn.  I hope they get to come home soon so I can visit them in their new home and snuggle with Avalyn for another couple of hours – okay I kinda of held her for a long time – she was just so warm and smelled so good (remember my thing with how men smell – babies fall into that category too).

GBF came by so I did give her up for a little bit so he could hold her and then he, T and I went out and grabbed dinner.  I came back to talk with my friends for a while and left mom, dad and baby girl to enjoy each other’s company.

Congratulations T and N, you are both amazing and I love you both so much!

Avalyn Audrina

XOXO Nikilee