A little nervous about anxiety

I have been taking anxiety medications for just over two years now.  This all started when GBF and I ended our relationship and I lost not only my lover, my apartment, but I lost my best friend.  Things were rough for a long time and as much as I know medication isn’t the best way to solve your problems, for me, it worked and it was needed. 

I also started smoking, which helped me in ways that I am aware no one believes does.  Smoking is a horrible habit that I revert back to every time shit hits the fan because it’s easy.  So between the medication and the smoking, I got through the longest, loneliest year of my life. 

Then my dad had his heart attack and I almost lost the only man who has never disappointed me, who changed my world in ways he will never know and for which I’ll always be grateful.  The anxiety was exploding. 

Slowly he got better and so did I. 

But then my Nana passed away and the slow grip I had gained on my life crashed.  Now I know what you are all thinking because at times of clarity I did too.  THINGS HAPPEN, YOU NEED TO LEARN TO COPE!

Of course I do and of course bad things happen all the time.  I can’t revert to smoking and anxiety medication to calm me and keep me cool.  But you know what, until you have walked in my shoes – lets keep the judging to a minimum.

I started CBT (Cognative Behavioural Therapy) in December 2011.  I learned slowly how to look at different situations that happen and how to deal with them, accept them and express my opinions on them.  I also met MiMo in February who after only a couple of days broke down some walls I had built up around my heart.  He was so different than anyone I had dated and I needed that and him so badly at the time and I immediately started to feel better

Of course I was also working on healing and patching up my friendship with GBF.  It was never about my love for him or my feelings towards him, it was my friendship I missed. 

So things got better, I had MiMo, GBF, some great friends who I cherish, my dad is doing well, things with my brother and his wife are good so I started thinking about lowering my dose of my anxiety medication.  I talked to my family doctor and she agreed it was a good time to go to 10 mg.

So even though things with me and MiMo have ended (amicably) and I am sad more often than I care to admit, I have lowered my medication and I have quit smoking (remember when I was sick a couple of weeks ag0 – ya I decided it was the perfect time to quit).  With some crazy things at work and some personal drama that never seems to end, I am not 100% sure it was the best time, but like I said – I KNOW I have to learn to deal with real life. 

Anxiety isn’t a joke – it’s not something you should criticise or deem as a pathetic excuse for attention.  It hurts, a lot, and I have a few friends who have the same medication I do and whom I personally am aware of the trauma they have dealt with in life and you know what – if medication, or smoking, or sleeping or crying helps – than so be it.  Leave people to deal with their lives on their own as long as it doesn’t harm anyone else.

I am hoping that I can stay at the 10 mg for a few months and then go down to 5 and then wean myself off of them.  I hope to have quit smoking permanently (though that one may be easier said then done). Things change every day so I refuse to judge myself as life happens and just take one day at a time. 

Why am I posting all this – I don’t know, I felt like it?  I felt like writing something that may help others know they aren’t alone in the crazy world of anxiety and that they have NOT failed at life because they need some pharmaceutical assistance to help them get through a time in their life. 

Good luck all, happy Wednesday, have a great HUMP day!

XOXO Nikilee

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2 thoughts on “A little nervous about anxiety

  1. Honey, I am in favour of whatever get you through. Sometimes what happens in life is something we are just not prepared for at the time. Many people frown on meds while “self-medicating” with booze and they think they are coping. Stops the meds very, very slowly if you must, don’t be afraid to use them for their intended purpose again if needed.

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