Can ex’s be friends?

This question is always  thrown at me since GBF and I decided to put our friendship above all else and reunite – as friends only.  Of course we have a HUGE history.  A long, emotionally draining history that makes me exhausted just thinking of it, but our History started with us being friends – best friends.

However my answer is always the same – if you want to make it work you can.  We have a history that includes a friendship so we have a basis, somewhere to start from.  We have love and respect for each other so we have a guideline to follow.  We both know we want very different things and as much as we have love for each other, it’s not romantic.  It’s friendship. 

While dating my most recent ex, GBF and I didn’t really spend time together, but we did talk.  It didn’t make my ex comfortable and that was my fault.  I should have chosen my relationship over my friendship with him, but at the time I really didn’t see the conflict.  Now clearly I do and with my next bf I will do things very differently.  I also know that if GBF were to get into a relationship with any woman – but especially back with his recent ex, we wouldn’t be able to continue our friendship in the same manner.  It is threatening to people – our closeness, his concern over me and my family, my need to discuss things  and receive that comfort from him.  It might not be right – but it is what it is.  WE both know our feelings are platonic towards each other and that we both want to leave the past in the past.

But since we won’t be able to be good friends when we start dating other people in order not to hurt them, are we really friends now – or just holding out till something better comes along?  I really hope that is not the case!

I miss my relationship with my ex, more than I should and more than pleases my closest girlfriends, I don’t miss my relationship with GBF.  I don’t want to be friends with my ex – there are still feelings there and I don’t think people can be so close when romantic feelings are still involved on one or both people’s side. 

What am I blithering on about – I don’t know.  I guess I am just scared I am going to lose my friend all over again and all this talk about me dating brings those feelings to light.   I won’t lie to any of them.  With my ex, he knew GBF and all about our relationship, but new guys won’t – but I will be honest with them and explain who he is and what he means to me and hope they can accept it – if not, then what — I lose my friendship?  I don’t know, and I don’t like not knowing.

XOXO Nikilee

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One thought on “Can ex’s be friends?

  1. This is a road I have tread many times. My best friend was my first boyfriend, but we go back so far and through so many rough times, I could never leave our friendship. I just couldn’t. It’s almost like a “Till death do us part” friendship. I have a brief respite because he’s gay (now), but almost every single guy I’ve dated has had a freak out. I suspect that’s easy to do when Jase walks in my family’s house yelling “HI MAMA!!” and then starts going through our refrigerator looking for cheesecake.

    One time my now ex was having a tantrum and I responded “Jase was here before you, and he’s going to be there after you.” Needless to say the relationship did not last long past that point. I tried to do the whole ‘drop the friendship for the relationship’ thing, and it didn’t work for me. I ultimately found a man who treated Jase like a brother, and even though that relationship didn’t work out it made me realize that a strong, confident man can handle it.

    So I know what it’s like to worry about that, and I personally hated the drama and the stress that came with it. Now I’m upfront with the guys I date and if they have a problem with Jase, they are shown the door. A good man won’t give you a minute’s trouble, and why should they when you are so honest with them? 🙂

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