Day 5, I know no day 4…

So yesterday was a crazy day – work has been insane lately and at times I feel like my hair is going to fall out (or I’ll pull it out, either way), but I am good, because I love what I do.  Shockingly with no sugar or carbs this week, I have survived.  I have not thrown tantrums or fits that would leave the Real Housewives envious.  I have been focused and strong.

Today is day 5 of this 5 day experiment of self-control.  I am not going to lie – I have felt hungry, but not starving.  I have felt dizzy, but never fainted.  I have not thrown up or punched anyone.  I am a hero.

Actually Agi is a hero.  She has brought me every meal, supported, encouraged and talked me through every day.  I am so blessed to have amazing friends.

Tomorrow though, tomorrow I am eating bread.  Don’t worry I am not going to go bat shit crazy and eat sugar on bread (though thanks mom for the idea) but I am going to start incorporating healthy breads and sugar back into my diet – cause this has felt extreme and as I said the other day – I can’t live extremes.

This week-long journey is over!

XOXO Nikilee

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Day 3…humpday!

I can’t believe I am halfway through this crazy week and although I am hungry, I am not starving, I do not want to punch people who are eating cookies (lady beside me in my meeting today – cruel and unusual punishment should be  set upon you for eating TWO cookies that smelled like heaven would smell). 

I am learning, as I go along – I don’t need three teas throughout the day – not with three sugar each at least.  I can have one tea – first thing in the morning…my comfort drink, the one that gives me a reason to want to roll out of bed at 6 or 7 am. 

I don’t need bread at every meal.  Well…..okay no I definitely don’t NEED bread at every meal, having it at lunch OR dinner is okay.  If I want to have a sandwich at lunch, then I can have a protein packed dinner with veggies, which really isn’t going to kill me.

Having one sugary snack a day is okay.  Having one healthy a snack a day is okay.  Balance.  I tend to live my life in extremes…right now I am extremely not eating anything fun…lol…but usually I eat all fun stuff and none of the healthy stuff.  Why do I do this?  I have no idea.  It’s foolish and irresponsible not only for me, but those whose lives will be affected by me being unhealthy (and a tad bit crazy – though I tend not to love the phrase “crazy”).

So this has been a great experiment.  I have proven to myself (so far – I have 2.5 days left) that I can do this.

Can you?

XOXO Nikilee

 

 

Day 2 – so far I’m alive

Not having white sugar or carbs is a bit like running through the rain without an umbrella.  It can be refreshing and make you feel great – but in the end you are wet and cold and your make-up is running down your face.

Okay so I am over exaggerating a tad.  It’s been one day, 24 hours, and I have survived.  I had 2.5 cups of fruit for breakfast with a blueberry white tea for snack.  I had a chicken caesar salad and water for lunch and my dinner got a tad messed up due to some plans changing so I had grilled calamari (delicious by the way) for dinner.  The calamari wasn’t breaded so I did not feel bad one bit.  Now because of who I was with and why I did have a cocktail, but I sipped it so slow it took almost 2 hours to complete it – so I have had a bit of a cheat, but I got approval from Agi for this one time cheat. 

Today it’s back to the grind.  Plus I walked so much last night my feet are sore so it all evens out no??

LOL…

XOXO Nikilee

I protest

Today is the day.  I am going to wean myself off of white sugar if it kills me.  I am also going to cut down my carb consumption too.  Agi is kind enough to bring me my meals this week so I am not tempted to cheat.  

This morning for breakfast I had two and a half cups of mixed fresh fruit.  Agi threw in all my favorites, raspberries, blueberries, strawberries and nectarines.  I must say it was delicious and quite filling.  Also much healthier than my bagel and butter I usually have.  Plus…for the first time in months I have not had a tea with three sugar.  

Now I am getting a headache, but the weather in Toronto is a bit crazy so it’s possible it’s that and not the lack of sugar coursing through my veins. 

Today for lunch I have chicken caesar salad and water and for dinner I will be having pork with vegetables.  Luckily I get to eat lots of veggies and cheese and I can have tea without milk and sugar so every day I am going to go to Tim Horton’s and try a new flavored tea.  

This isn’t going to be easy, but it’s important.  It’s important I take care of myself; my body and that I succeed.  

Wish me luck *fingers crossed* 

My biggest weakness is that I'm weak.

XOXO Nikilee

It’s Time for a Detoxification

Ever since graduating from University, I have become an addict.  I am taking the first step – admitting I have a problem. 

Is it drugs?  Nope

Alcohol? Nope

Gambling? Nope 

It’s sugar.

I know some of you are probably laughing and some of you are annoyed that I am taking something like sugar and classifying it as an addiction like drinking, drug use or gambling.  But have you been addicted to something that is slowly killing you?  That has killed people in your family?  It’s called Diabetes my friend and my family is full of it.  We have a pre-disposition to diabetes in my family and if I am not careful, sooner or later it will catch up with me and bite me where it hurts the most. 

I have known that I am powerless to sugar for quite a while.  I don’t eat a lot – I skip meals regularly, but if you take away my sugar (my tea in the morning has three sugars in it) I am a hot mess.  

I don’t crave salty treats; I desire chocolate, candy and sugary juice or pops.  The funny thing is I don’t like artificial sweetener.  I have tried.  Trust me.  I am WELL aware of how much weight I could lose if I just skipped the sugar I consume on a daily basis.  However when I try, when I don’t have my tea in the morning (first thing and at break) I get a headache and I always cave in.  I cave in to an addiction that in as little as a decade could destroy my internal organs, causing me to go blind, lose feeling in my feet and be on insulin the rest of my short life.  Don’t tell me that won’t happen – it has happened to my father.  I don’t want his future. 

I don’t want this life, I don’t want it for me and I don’t want it for my future husband or children I may have.  I know – I know – this is important.  I know that I have been fooling myself into believing I don’t have a problem.  However, I have been lazy. I am lazy.  One of my dearest friends has been concerned for me for a while now and has offered to help me detox next week.  Basically she is going to bring my breakfast, lunch, snacks and dinner for five days.  She is an incredibly healthy person and if I followed what she eats and how much she eats regularly I would be a much healthier person.  I know this.  So even though five days to you may seem like nothing – like a minute in a lifetime – it is a huge step.  It’s going to be hard.  Next week I am going to post everyday what I am eating, how I am feeling and any emotions I am going through.  Those of you who may say “just stop eating sugar”, has no idea how it feels – or maybe your self-control is stronger than mine, I am okay with that.  Please don’t judge me, because I am not judging you. 

XOXO Nikilee

Wordless Apologies

I have the Book of Awesome calendar so everyday I get a new thing that’s AWESOME

Yesterdays was this:

Wordless Apologies – basically stating that when you are arguing with someone you love and you are either both wrong or right and it doesn’t matter, but you come together and look in each others eyes and you know you are both sorry and you hug it out.  AWESOME

I loved this.

XOXO Nikilee

Do you choose your choice??

Growing up I knew beyond any doubt that I would be a famous actress an elementary school teacher.  I used to line up my stuffed animals and teach them to read and to do math.  I was an excellent teacher to Mr Bear, my barbies, my little ponies and Frisky my pound puppy. 

Growing up I never waivered from that dream.  I went to University, I got a degree, I went to teachers college in the States which allowed me be practical and keep my part time job while volunteering with different classes and the Girl Guides of Canada and I successfully got my B.Ed.  I assumed with my degree, my volunteer experience and my love for children and education, that all my dreams would come true the minute I graduated from Medaille. 

Not all dreams are meant to come true though – even when it’s all you have ever wanted.  Sometimes plans have to change.  

When I graduated I ended up being one in a million who applied for the same few spots available for the September 2008 school year.  Applying to the Toronto Board was a whole other story.  I never even was called for an interview.  I was so disappointed. I had options though – I could stay in Ontario, continue volunteering and hope for the best for next year or I could move – teach overseas (I had achieved my TESL certificate in 2004).  With my dad being ill and in a serious relationship with GBF at the time, I opted to stay at home and continue volunteering.  I worked for the City of Toronto as a Support Assistant so I wasn’t hurting for money at least – compared to approximately 90% of my graduating class who also did not find immediate work upon graduating.  

Two years later – just as I was about to get put on the supply list with the Durham board of education, an opportunity came for me to be a Caseworker with Social Services.  This position came with a huge pay hike and some certainty.  My seniority was caring with me and I would be eligible for benefits, vacation and sick days. 

I could have easily at this point said screw it and took the supply list and given up my city job – but who does that?  Risk-takers, brave people who leap without a safety net thats who. 

I am not that person.  I have always gone where it was responsibly correct for me to go.  Having something solid and sturdy to land on has been how I have lived my life and I didn’t feel ready to change that – I can’t say I regret it, even though those who supported and encouraged my teaching dream sure whish I had. 

I gave up my dreams of teaching to move into Social Work.  I loved it from the moment I started (not that it’s always been perfect) and when I moved into employment and helping others find stable, reliable employment I felt I could talk honestly to them about choosing stability over dreams – but if dreams are what they wanted, I knew I could and would do everything in my power to make those dreams come true.  I wish mine had. 

I wish I was closing up my classroom right now, struggling to finish report cards while my students prepare for summer break.  The truth is – it’s not a good time to be a teacher.  With political uproars happening and schools closing, violence in the classrooms erupting, there is a part of me that enjoys the comfort of being in a full time permenant position with the City I love.  I’m grateful I don’t worry about being surplussed.  

Then there is the other part of me that sees friends and aquaintences throw caution to the wind to reach their dreams – they travel globally teaching wherever a classroom is available, whether that be China, Korea or Istanbul.  They pack up their bags and they get on a plane and say ciao to loved ones, leaving family members behind and creating new lives.  A part of me – is jealous.  I wish so badly that I had gone to Korea when I graduated from Trent in 04, but I chose stability.  I see people now – regularly who quit their jobs to make their dreams come true.  People who quit high paying, stable jobs that they no longer love in order to be satisfied at work.  I want to scream at them “what will you do for money?  What will you do all day?” But I don’t.  I smile at them and secretly marvel at the courage it took them to leave their comfort for the unknown.  

Sometimes I secretly imagine I am that girl.  I imagine I surprise everyone by quitting my job and moving somewhere exotic like Australia to teach.  I fall in love with an Aussie and I become a world traveler…But when I wake up, when my 7:00 alarm wakes me up and I get dressed for work, I smile because I know I chose my choice.  I enjoy my job and I have many people in my life who were not at lucky as I was.  Who work part time or full time jobs, not in teaching that they don’t enjoy.  That they don’t smile at when their alarm wakes them up in the morning.  I am blessed. 

What happens to the herd of students graduating from teachers college this year.  I mean hop on any facebook page or website dedicated to Ontario Teachers and you will hear more often then not, people complaining about the lack of positions available.  Many people stay in Long Term Occassional (LTO) positions or on the Supply list for years before something comes up – only to be surplussed the following year.  

It’s so unfortunate and until the College stands up to protect the unemployed teachers who are amazing, educated, qualified, passionate individuals, we all swim for the same boat – a boat I chose to get off a long time ago and a boat I have missed everyday since.  

XOXO Nikilee