Keeping up

Keeping busy, occupied, is the answer.  The question: how do you move past the passing of your most loved loved one? 

It’s not the right answer – I know that.  Anyone knows that.  However, when time doesn’t permit you to heal, when you have a job, you don’t have time to heal properly.  I don’t have real time to grieve.  I need to be at work – focused.  So I keep busy.  With work and friends and my new dog, my days are full.   My life is full.  

My heart is another story.  It is empty; there is a large gaping wound where the love for my father once sat comfortably.   I am angry with the world, angry that he left to soon, angry that his last few years were not kind to him, angry that he died alone, not holding my hand the way he would have been there to hold mine. 

I know it’s not my fault, in my heart – I know that.  But I didn’t get to say a proper goodbye, I didn’t get to make him giggle one last time – he didn’t get to see my biggest dream come true (more on that another day) and that makes me angry.  I am sure at some point, grief counseling will come, because I cannot be angry forever – forever is not necessarily a long time – and I want to live my life the way my dad would have wanted me to, happy, cheerful, social and spontaneous, the way I lived it before, before he passed away, before he got sick, before he was taken from me, my brother, my sister-in-law, his grandchildren and his cousin. 

Before. 

XOXO Nikilee

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