Goodbye Nikilee30

In December 2010, I was 29 years old turning 30 and my whole world fell apart, everything I had known and trusted was gone.  I needed a place to turn, a friend told me I should try blogging since Social Media was such an important part of my world already.

Throughout the next three years I have had some amazing highs and some anxiety-ridden, dark, depressing lows, but I survived – partially because I had this blog, I had this outlet where I could come and write and feel free to express myself in ways that I couldn’t verbally to friends or family. I could make sense of senseless situations.  My world now, in August 2013, is completely different then I had expected three years ago, but I think it’s time for a change, I know it’s time for a change.  This will be my last blog post on nikilee30. 

The chapter of my life I began three years ago is over; it’s come to an end.  I am the strongest I have felt in a long time.  My endless string of dating disasters is over.  I am single and confidant and have no desire to dip into the online dating pool anymore.  With medication, relaxation and a great group of friends my anxiety levels are normal, I am no longer spiking, panicking in the middle of the night, I am not waking up at 2:00 am unable to fall back asleep.  Things are good, things are peaceful … 

*****Waiting for disaster to strike now that I have spoken those words… 

No? Okay, we’ll move on. 

I have decided to take a step that will bring about new challenges, the biggest choice a woman (or a man) can make.  I have decided to become a single parent. 

I’ll let that sink in…yes, me, Nikilee30 is going to become a single parent – by choice 

Now most of my closest friends and all my family already know this, so it’s not a surprise, but I have kept it “socially” quiet because I wanted to have my first appointment with the fertility clinic before I ended my nikilee30 blog forever.  My first appointment was the middle of July.

Now obviously a lot has changed since even then.  My father, Edward Kenneth Milway passed away suddenly on July 21st, two days after my first appointment.  But I am blessed, because I was able to tell him all about it and watch his eyes light up as his dreams of becoming a “poppy” again were soon to be realized.  

But not all dreams come true.  My dream of my father holding MY baby in his arms and tearing up as his little girl becomes a mother for the first time are over.  But that doesn’t mean my dreams of becoming a mother are over.  Far from it.  I am more determined than ever to have a child, make my dad’s dream come true.  I have had to postpone it – clearly I am in no emotional stand point this month to handle any more responsibilities.  But in the next month or two – I will be.  As I said earlier, I am stronger and more confident than I ever give myself credit for.  

So, I want to take this opportunity to thank a few people (here is my Oscar speech).  

It was an honor just to write a blog, let alone have anyone read it. I have always loved to write freely and creatively and had I been more thoughtful at the time I would have majored in English and become a starving writer like many people I know.   The fact that I am ending this blog with over 60 followers (95% of whom are not friends or family), is astounding to me.  The very idea that someone wants to read words that come out of my head and placed onto the computer humbles me and I truly hope you all follow me on my new blog as I explore the next chapter in my life.  That blog address is up and ready for readers and followers: www.doingthingsourway.wordpress.com – yes I am staying with the WordPress family because they have amazing writers and I enjoy being inspired by them to be better myself. 

I want to thank my friends who read my blog, who comment, who message me privately to compliment me on what I have written and who haven’t complained (too much) about being written about.  I write about you because I love you and you are my life now. ~Edward from Twilight…LOL 

To my Aunt S who has loved me since the day I was born, who has supported me, encouraged me and picked me up when I felt like falling – you are my strongest ally, my role-model of what a woman, a mother, should be.  Thank you I love you more than you know.  I look forward to your comments on my new blog. 

To all my ex’s who have been written about – I’m sorry that a part of your life was spread out for all the world to read, I am sorry if I have hurt anyone by writing the truth – my truth at least as I see it.  To be fair, I warned you. 

Finally, to the girl who was Nikilee30, three years ago…wow – did you ever picture THIS is where you would end up?  You are pretty impressive lady.  You have taken the good and the bad in stride and even though you have made some messed up choices (dating in the DR what were you thinking?), you have come out happy and ahead of the game…things will be tough in the next couple of years as your learn to live your own life, without your father to guide you, but you are finally at a place where you can totally handle anything!  You got this.  Keep your head up high and smile through it all and you WILL BE OKAY 

My new blog address is www.doingthingsourway.wordpress.com.  Please follow me, join me and inspire me as I take on the joys and sorrows of trying to become pregnant (more details are on that blog). 

XOXO Nikilee

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Let’s talk – no really…let’s talk

When I was in the eighth grade, I would visit a guidance counselor at school because I was chubby and even though I had lots of friends, I was sad about my weight, feeling inferior to my skinny peers. 

While in high school, I saw Ms. D on a regular basis, also my guidance counselor, to talk about school, home, friends, relationships and what the heck I wanted to do with the rest of my life.

After graduating from high school, I felt strong and confidant, ready to take on University, and while there was some hard times, I didn’t seek therapy the whole four years I was there – I didn’t feel I needed it. 

Some people don’t believe in therapy – they think it’s for people who are really messed up, or that the Doctor just prescribes medication and BOOM you are all healed.  They don’t know.  They can’t understand because they are closed-minded to the importance of an unbiased ear. 

I believe in therapy, for me, I should say.  When GBF and I broke up and my “future” came to a crashing halt, I knew I would require the help of a therapist to be okay.  I felt weak; I am okay with saying that.  I went on a light dose of medication to calm my scorching panic attacks.  Suicide was not something I could ever see me resulting to, however without someone to talk to, you never know; it could have gone either way.  I went through weekly therapy sessions for months, hashing out what happened, what went wrong and how to start healing my own heart, not depending on others to heal it for me. 

Since my father’s passing one month ago (wow, I cannot believe he has been gone a month) I knew that therapy would probably be required again, but I have been lazy about it.  There has been so much work to do lately that I have ignored that nagging feeling at the side of my brain that I am not okay.  There has been so much loss in the past three years of my life that I know; once again, I need someone to talk to.  Someone who is not family or a close personal friend, but someone who is trained and professional and will give me strategies and tools to accept my fate and move forward with my life. 

I will be calling today to book an appointment.  I don’t want to wait too long.  No one should wait too long.  Why suffer, when you don’t have to?  At times, I feel like I need the suffering, I need the pain to remind me that this is all real, that he is gone, but I know in my heart he never would want me to feel this way (though I also know he knew this is exactly how I would feel and that’s why he held out so long). My Public Service Announcement for today is this: if you or someone you know is suffering or hurting, get them to talk to someone, a professional who can take care of you or your loved one.  Please.  

XOXO Nikilee

seven piles of what???

When someone has worked a full life, retired, had benefits, RRSP’s, stocks, bank accounts, property and insurances they also have another thing – a LOT of paper. 

Last night, I decided it was time to buckle down and organize my father’s paper work.  However, I have never seen 90% of the documents he has before because other than a bank account, I don’t own a lot of “paper”.  Trying to figure out what I need and what I don’t need is difficult and time consuming.  I had gotten a large majority of it finally placed in neat piles, went to the washroom and when I came out, my lovely dog had decided to trample all over it, moving it around the bed and half on the floor. 

“I love my dog I love my dog I love my dog I love my dog I love my dog I love my dog I love my dog I love my dog” 

So frustrating, his cute, sad looking face made me sigh and move on though.  Needless to say, I lovingly pushed him off the bed and started again.  It wasn’t so hard because I knew I wanted to keep it all at least because the garbage papers I had placed in a large envelope for shredding.  

When everything is said and done, I will get a will, I will prepare as much as my documents as I can and I’ll do my best not to hoard anything.  This is a lot of work.  

It’s heartbreaking to do it, and to do it alone, saddens me to my core, but I also know it needs to be done.  It’s hard to see my father’s life, resulting in just paper work left behind.  

The government doesn’t make it easy either – everyone wants copies of the will, death certificates, my signature in blood (okay maybe not so dramatic but it FEELS dramatic).  

I am exhausted.  My father was a fairly organized man, but after 69 years of life, things are bound to need some taking care of.  Good thing for everyone, organizing is a sport to me.  I will continue everything else I need to do tonight and tomorrow and hopefully by the weekend what I need to do will be done. 

Time will tell…
XOXO Nikilee

Keeping up

Keeping busy, occupied, is the answer.  The question: how do you move past the passing of your most loved loved one? 

It’s not the right answer – I know that.  Anyone knows that.  However, when time doesn’t permit you to heal, when you have a job, you don’t have time to heal properly.  I don’t have real time to grieve.  I need to be at work – focused.  So I keep busy.  With work and friends and my new dog, my days are full.   My life is full.  

My heart is another story.  It is empty; there is a large gaping wound where the love for my father once sat comfortably.   I am angry with the world, angry that he left to soon, angry that his last few years were not kind to him, angry that he died alone, not holding my hand the way he would have been there to hold mine. 

I know it’s not my fault, in my heart – I know that.  But I didn’t get to say a proper goodbye, I didn’t get to make him giggle one last time – he didn’t get to see my biggest dream come true (more on that another day) and that makes me angry.  I am sure at some point, grief counseling will come, because I cannot be angry forever – forever is not necessarily a long time – and I want to live my life the way my dad would have wanted me to, happy, cheerful, social and spontaneous, the way I lived it before, before he passed away, before he got sick, before he was taken from me, my brother, my sister-in-law, his grandchildren and his cousin. 

Before. 

XOXO Nikilee