Goodbye Nikilee30

In December 2010, I was 29 years old turning 30 and my whole world fell apart, everything I had known and trusted was gone.  I needed a place to turn, a friend told me I should try blogging since Social Media was such an important part of my world already.

Throughout the next three years I have had some amazing highs and some anxiety-ridden, dark, depressing lows, but I survived – partially because I had this blog, I had this outlet where I could come and write and feel free to express myself in ways that I couldn’t verbally to friends or family. I could make sense of senseless situations.  My world now, in August 2013, is completely different then I had expected three years ago, but I think it’s time for a change, I know it’s time for a change.  This will be my last blog post on nikilee30. 

The chapter of my life I began three years ago is over; it’s come to an end.  I am the strongest I have felt in a long time.  My endless string of dating disasters is over.  I am single and confidant and have no desire to dip into the online dating pool anymore.  With medication, relaxation and a great group of friends my anxiety levels are normal, I am no longer spiking, panicking in the middle of the night, I am not waking up at 2:00 am unable to fall back asleep.  Things are good, things are peaceful … 

*****Waiting for disaster to strike now that I have spoken those words… 

No? Okay, we’ll move on. 

I have decided to take a step that will bring about new challenges, the biggest choice a woman (or a man) can make.  I have decided to become a single parent. 

I’ll let that sink in…yes, me, Nikilee30 is going to become a single parent – by choice 

Now most of my closest friends and all my family already know this, so it’s not a surprise, but I have kept it “socially” quiet because I wanted to have my first appointment with the fertility clinic before I ended my nikilee30 blog forever.  My first appointment was the middle of July.

Now obviously a lot has changed since even then.  My father, Edward Kenneth Milway passed away suddenly on July 21st, two days after my first appointment.  But I am blessed, because I was able to tell him all about it and watch his eyes light up as his dreams of becoming a “poppy” again were soon to be realized.  

But not all dreams come true.  My dream of my father holding MY baby in his arms and tearing up as his little girl becomes a mother for the first time are over.  But that doesn’t mean my dreams of becoming a mother are over.  Far from it.  I am more determined than ever to have a child, make my dad’s dream come true.  I have had to postpone it – clearly I am in no emotional stand point this month to handle any more responsibilities.  But in the next month or two – I will be.  As I said earlier, I am stronger and more confident than I ever give myself credit for.  

So, I want to take this opportunity to thank a few people (here is my Oscar speech).  

It was an honor just to write a blog, let alone have anyone read it. I have always loved to write freely and creatively and had I been more thoughtful at the time I would have majored in English and become a starving writer like many people I know.   The fact that I am ending this blog with over 60 followers (95% of whom are not friends or family), is astounding to me.  The very idea that someone wants to read words that come out of my head and placed onto the computer humbles me and I truly hope you all follow me on my new blog as I explore the next chapter in my life.  That blog address is up and ready for readers and followers: www.doingthingsourway.wordpress.com – yes I am staying with the WordPress family because they have amazing writers and I enjoy being inspired by them to be better myself. 

I want to thank my friends who read my blog, who comment, who message me privately to compliment me on what I have written and who haven’t complained (too much) about being written about.  I write about you because I love you and you are my life now. ~Edward from Twilight…LOL 

To my Aunt S who has loved me since the day I was born, who has supported me, encouraged me and picked me up when I felt like falling – you are my strongest ally, my role-model of what a woman, a mother, should be.  Thank you I love you more than you know.  I look forward to your comments on my new blog. 

To all my ex’s who have been written about – I’m sorry that a part of your life was spread out for all the world to read, I am sorry if I have hurt anyone by writing the truth – my truth at least as I see it.  To be fair, I warned you. 

Finally, to the girl who was Nikilee30, three years ago…wow – did you ever picture THIS is where you would end up?  You are pretty impressive lady.  You have taken the good and the bad in stride and even though you have made some messed up choices (dating in the DR what were you thinking?), you have come out happy and ahead of the game…things will be tough in the next couple of years as your learn to live your own life, without your father to guide you, but you are finally at a place where you can totally handle anything!  You got this.  Keep your head up high and smile through it all and you WILL BE OKAY 

My new blog address is www.doingthingsourway.wordpress.com.  Please follow me, join me and inspire me as I take on the joys and sorrows of trying to become pregnant (more details are on that blog). 

XOXO Nikilee

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Do you choose your choice??

Growing up I knew beyond any doubt that I would be a famous actress an elementary school teacher.  I used to line up my stuffed animals and teach them to read and to do math.  I was an excellent teacher to Mr Bear, my barbies, my little ponies and Frisky my pound puppy. 

Growing up I never waivered from that dream.  I went to University, I got a degree, I went to teachers college in the States which allowed me be practical and keep my part time job while volunteering with different classes and the Girl Guides of Canada and I successfully got my B.Ed.  I assumed with my degree, my volunteer experience and my love for children and education, that all my dreams would come true the minute I graduated from Medaille. 

Not all dreams are meant to come true though – even when it’s all you have ever wanted.  Sometimes plans have to change.  

When I graduated I ended up being one in a million who applied for the same few spots available for the September 2008 school year.  Applying to the Toronto Board was a whole other story.  I never even was called for an interview.  I was so disappointed. I had options though – I could stay in Ontario, continue volunteering and hope for the best for next year or I could move – teach overseas (I had achieved my TESL certificate in 2004).  With my dad being ill and in a serious relationship with GBF at the time, I opted to stay at home and continue volunteering.  I worked for the City of Toronto as a Support Assistant so I wasn’t hurting for money at least – compared to approximately 90% of my graduating class who also did not find immediate work upon graduating.  

Two years later – just as I was about to get put on the supply list with the Durham board of education, an opportunity came for me to be a Caseworker with Social Services.  This position came with a huge pay hike and some certainty.  My seniority was caring with me and I would be eligible for benefits, vacation and sick days. 

I could have easily at this point said screw it and took the supply list and given up my city job – but who does that?  Risk-takers, brave people who leap without a safety net thats who. 

I am not that person.  I have always gone where it was responsibly correct for me to go.  Having something solid and sturdy to land on has been how I have lived my life and I didn’t feel ready to change that – I can’t say I regret it, even though those who supported and encouraged my teaching dream sure whish I had. 

I gave up my dreams of teaching to move into Social Work.  I loved it from the moment I started (not that it’s always been perfect) and when I moved into employment and helping others find stable, reliable employment I felt I could talk honestly to them about choosing stability over dreams – but if dreams are what they wanted, I knew I could and would do everything in my power to make those dreams come true.  I wish mine had. 

I wish I was closing up my classroom right now, struggling to finish report cards while my students prepare for summer break.  The truth is – it’s not a good time to be a teacher.  With political uproars happening and schools closing, violence in the classrooms erupting, there is a part of me that enjoys the comfort of being in a full time permenant position with the City I love.  I’m grateful I don’t worry about being surplussed.  

Then there is the other part of me that sees friends and aquaintences throw caution to the wind to reach their dreams – they travel globally teaching wherever a classroom is available, whether that be China, Korea or Istanbul.  They pack up their bags and they get on a plane and say ciao to loved ones, leaving family members behind and creating new lives.  A part of me – is jealous.  I wish so badly that I had gone to Korea when I graduated from Trent in 04, but I chose stability.  I see people now – regularly who quit their jobs to make their dreams come true.  People who quit high paying, stable jobs that they no longer love in order to be satisfied at work.  I want to scream at them “what will you do for money?  What will you do all day?” But I don’t.  I smile at them and secretly marvel at the courage it took them to leave their comfort for the unknown.  

Sometimes I secretly imagine I am that girl.  I imagine I surprise everyone by quitting my job and moving somewhere exotic like Australia to teach.  I fall in love with an Aussie and I become a world traveler…But when I wake up, when my 7:00 alarm wakes me up and I get dressed for work, I smile because I know I chose my choice.  I enjoy my job and I have many people in my life who were not at lucky as I was.  Who work part time or full time jobs, not in teaching that they don’t enjoy.  That they don’t smile at when their alarm wakes them up in the morning.  I am blessed. 

What happens to the herd of students graduating from teachers college this year.  I mean hop on any facebook page or website dedicated to Ontario Teachers and you will hear more often then not, people complaining about the lack of positions available.  Many people stay in Long Term Occassional (LTO) positions or on the Supply list for years before something comes up – only to be surplussed the following year.  

It’s so unfortunate and until the College stands up to protect the unemployed teachers who are amazing, educated, qualified, passionate individuals, we all swim for the same boat – a boat I chose to get off a long time ago and a boat I have missed everyday since.  

XOXO Nikilee

Third wheel

Being a single lady in a world of couples can sometimes be a strange and unsteady road, but when navigated carefully I find you can do it with class and better your relationships in the long run   ~ Nikilee30

Okay so the other night I had this strange dream.  Granted I have been sick for almost two weeks so I am taking all sorts of medicine and stuff.  In this dream I was always with two people.  These two people were a pair.  Like Crazy Cat lady and her boyfriend.  Kim and her husband.  My two nieces.  My friend N and her son.  All these different scenes took place and I was always the third wheel. 

Now I don’t know what this means – that I will never have a boyfriend or husband or child – (or sister, duh!) but in every situation I was completely comfortable and fit in where I needed to.  I was a mediator, a counsellor, a babysitter and a friend.  I don’t usually feel like a third wheel when I hang out with two people who clearly have the stronger relationship.  I love my friends – married and unmarried and I love my friends children. 

Spending time as a third wheel doesn’t make me feel pathetic or lonely or wanting for more.  Would I love a boyfriend or husband I could argue with but kiss at the end of the night like Crazy Cat Lady and Kim – sure!  But I don’t and I can’t sacrifice my sanity to go online and get one.  The time will come when it’s right – and right now, it’s not.  Do I want a child I can pass on my love and admiration to – OF COURSE!  This more than anything, but right now is not the time and when I know the time is right – I will do what I have to do to have one. 

I am blessed (as I have said on here numerous times) with amazing friends and family and I am fortunate enough that my friends like hanging out with me too and I am constantly a third wheel at many events and gatherings, but I don’t care because I have fun with everyone involved.  Life is SO short, why spend it worrying about being alone, when I am constantly surrounded by loving friends who want to spend time with me!

This past week I have been off work – hence no blogging.  I have been sick as a dog and miserable.  I had GBF over a couple of times to keep me company as he is one of my few friends who doesn’t worry about catching germs (this man never gets sick) and as I started to feel better I was able to visit my friend E for her birthday and dog sit Cairo the Doberman with H. 

See I’m a good dog sitter, he’s sleeping!

I had lots of friends who texted me and kept me company in spirit.  LOL…unfortunately, my father is now sick – and that is NOT good.  He can’t get sick!  He already takes like 30 pills a day.  Sigh, how do you make the worlds most stubborn man healthy??  You leave him alone and let him deal with it.  There really isn’t any other option!

XOXO Nikilee

I dream a dream of time gone by

Okay maybe not time gone by, but I love Les Miserables, so I’m using this as my title today! 

I have dreams, we all do, but my dreams range from the outrageous to the fanatical.  Sometimes they seem so real I wake up and cry because I wanted to keep going (or breathe a sigh of relief because I was terrified).  I always have had strange dreams, but since turning 30, they are much more vivid, memorable.  Sometimes I will tell my friends these dreams and they will shake their head and say “oh Niki”.  Ya, even my closest friends think I am nuts sometimes.  If they only knew the truth…

I don’t usually blog about these dreams because they aren’t interesting to anyone but me, but last night, I had a dream that I can’t stop thinking about.  A dream that seemed so real, I was actually shocked when I woke up and realized I was dreaming!

Yesterday as most of you know was Prince William’s 30th birthday.  It was all over the news, all over the gossip columns, so I heard a lot about him yesterday.

This was my dream: I’m in a room of what seems like a castle, or at the very least a mansion.  I am with two girls I work with. I am looking around, admiring the architecture and chatting with my two lady friends.  I am there for a birthday dinner for Prince William.  He is in Toronto, and a handful of people not in his social circle (clearly I am not) were invited.  We are all very excited to meet the Prince and his beautiful wife.  We get our table numbers, and ours is some insane number that means we won’t even see the Prince, let alone meet him.  We are disappointed, but we walk over to the dinning room to take our seats.  My table has been double booked by one number.  The wait staff and security feel awful about this. 

All of a sudden I turn around and William and Kate are hanging out nearby hearing the trouble and Kate says “my sister can’t make it, so she can sit with us” – and she points to me!  I go up and hug her and thank her for her kindness!  The three of us walk over to the massive table that is for William, Kate and their closest friends and sit down beside Kate. (She is wearing a beautiful red dress and I am wearing a really pretty cream colour dress)  The three of us talk and they ask me questions about my family, friends, work etc.  I talk to them about their jobs, charity work and before I know it dinner is over and the three of us have become really close – to the point where they haven’t even really talked to anyone else.  Supposedly there is an after party at a Karaoke bar (ya who knew, in my dream, William loves Karaoke).  I am invited to come along.

We go to the bar and of course Will and Kate run into people they have to talk to, so I go over to get a drink (I don’t really drink so I found this odd – ya of all things, my drinking seemed the odd thing!) and a few of my high school friends are there that I haven’t seen since high school!  We all talk and laugh and dance and then Will and Kate get up to sing Garth Brooks and they dedicate the song to me!!!  I run up and we all three sing together and our pictures are being taken like crazy.  We decide to leave the bar cause there are way to many people now, so we take a walk through what seems like a large garden area I would assume is at Buckingham Palace, but we are not in England, we are in Toronto so I have no idea where we are.

We walk, all three of us hand in hand, laughing and talking like we have been bff’s forever.  They tell me they have to leave in the morning to have tea with the Queen and we all exchange emails and phone numbers and they tell me they want me to come visit them on my week off in the summer and they’ll make all the arrangements.  Of course I agree and tell them I will see them soon!

We hug goodbye and they send a car to take me home. 

It was the best dream ever.  LOL…It kinda makes me sad thinking of it now…which I know is really dumb since it was a very UNREALISTIC dream, but it was sweet. 

Thank God it’s Friday!  I need to shake out of my work slump and enjoy some time with friends and Newbie.

XOXO Nikilee (the new bff of Will and Kate)

A little bit of a “What If” scenario

I hate “what if’s”, life is full of consequences – good and bad – and I just don’t like to think of the way things COULD have been.  I’m not a coulda, woulda, shoulda kind of girl.  But sometimes, when it’s late at night and I am feeling especially sorry for myself for one reason or another, I think “what if”.

Last night I was in some discomfort from my wound and feeling a bit depressed over the idea of it not healing *ya thanks Home Care nurse, I could have told you that* and I made the mistake of letting my mind wander.  I thought back to where one of the biggest changes came in my life and almost immediately I knew.

In my last year of University, I knew I hadn’t gotten into teachers college – my grades had slipped and I didn’t have nearly enough volunteer experience to make me worthy of a Ontario College so I began to think of possibilities.  I knew Buffalo and Australia were possibilities, but I honestly had NO desire to spend $20,000 to go to school since Trent had cost $25,000.  Now I had never been anywhere in my life – ever.  I may have been to Buffalo once or twice, and Ottawa on a school trip, but really when you are born in raised in Toronto – none of these places bring on excitement.  I knew what I wanted to do.  I wanted to go overseas to Korea or Japan and teach for a year and see where that brought me.  I had started dreaming of this, even possibly bringing Filipino boy with me since he didn’t have a career that he was invested in at the time, but also in reality I think I knew we weren’t going to last, that we had started to grow apart.  One of my old roommates had discussed this possibility as well and I knew me and him could go together and we would have a blast supporting each other. 

But the dream that had been mainly private up to that point came crashing down, when in November 2003 I got a phone call from my sister-in-law.  My dad had been admitted to the hospital, it didn’t look good.  I had to get home immediately.  I got Filipino boy to pick me up and I came home to a disaster.  My father had full fledge Diabetes, kidney failure, heart failure – you name it he had it.  He was minutes away from death when he was admitted.  He went on dialysis (four times a day at home thank you), insulin and an array of medication that would keep him alive.  I had never been so scared in my entire life up to that point.  All my plans immediately fell through the window.  I knew that since I was graduating University that coming April, that I would move home and take care of my father.  The way he took care of me when my mother left in 1994 and I was a 13 year-old girl lost and confused in the new world of being a teenager. 

My dad came home before Christmas and was re-admitted after Christmas for further heart problems.  He was released sometime in January after I had already gone back to school.  I never mentioned my dreams of travelling the world, of experiencing Asia to many people because they would try to tell me to go – to “do me” – that my dad would be okay. 

I thank God every day that he was and still is, okay, that he lived through that devastating time – and again last August when another Heart Attack brought him back to the Hospital for another 5 weeks.  But I just know I never would have forgiven myself had I gone to Asia and something had happened to him.  If he had died while I was away travelling and having a grand old-time.  I would have regretted it every single day. 

I have had other options of travelling to teach (Nevada when I got my teaching degree from Medaille College in 2007) but it was never the right time.  I missed my opportunity.  Please do not get me wrong.  This is not a regret.  I just wonder what if I had gone to Korea or Japan to teach, how would my life have been different?

For starters, Filipino Boy and I would have broken up three months sooner than we did.  I would never have dated douche bag who spent seven months emotionally tearing me apart while my self-esteem swam in the toilet and I would not have kept my job with the City of Toronto.  It’s that last one that makes me okay with my final decision.  Starting as a summer student with the COT allowed me to work my way up, by networking and making great connections with people.  I now (8 years after graduating) have a job I love.  It’s not a teaching job, but it’s a job where I get to help people change their lives by finding last employment in careers they love.  It’s an important role – one I wish was more recognized, but it IS important so I consider myself a success. 

Depending on how long I stayed overseas, a lot of other could have and would have changed in my life.  Me and GBF might never have dated and probably would never have gotten to be as close of friends as we were before dating, I never would have met the ladies from baseball who are some of my closest friends today which means I never would have met Newbie.  I also never would have become as close to Crazy Cat Lady and that (and meeting Newbie whom has changed my life forever) is not acceptable. 

So while I would have had worldly experience, fulfilled my love of travel and spent time learning a new culture and teaching!!!!!! I would have lost out on so much more.  I’ll take the good with the bad.  I’ll accept that I am where I am supposed to be.  That happy or not happy, God has a plan for me, and that plan was not to teach overseas.  I accept that.  However, now maybe you can see why I was awake half the night thinking of all the opportunities I missed out on and what opportunities I would have missed out on had I gone.

XOXO Nikilee

A day is just a day…really it is.

So yesterday (Valentines Day) was a normal, yet happy day for me.  Work was good, no major troubles, lots of texting, which I know is so wrong, but I CAN NOT HELP IT.  I just can’t stop yet so I hope none of my co-workers hate me for it!?

After work I had therapy, which was intense and made me do a lot of thinking.  I need to start taking control of my life and my future, but really, I am in limbo right now and I plan on going nowhere soon so I will just have to deal with my rollercoaster of emotions until a move is made!  My Valentines date was with one of my absolute favourite people in the world – crazy cat lady!  LOL…she will kill me is she reads this and finds out I call her that…shhh don’t tell.  I spent part of my evening with her and her dad just relaxing, teasing each other (if we were American he would be VERY republican and I would be VERY democratic so I try not to debate him…it could get ugly).  Watching crazy cat lady with her dad reminds me of the relationship I have with my dad.  He raised her, mine raised me.  Though in reality – we took/take care of them! 

After leaving her house, I headed to the finale of my Valentines date night with my dad.  We watched part of Biggest Loser, but I knew I had one more thing I had to do.  I called my mom.  My mom is going through a really rough time right now.  Her boyfriend has throat cancer and so far – it does not look good.  I am debating about going up to Bobcaygeon to help out for a couple of days.  Even just to be there to keep them company.  Now my relationship with both of them has been strained, never a solid, great relationship by any means, but I do love my mother and I don’t like people I care about hurting.  I also tend to not be the most compassionate person with her, as I am more concerned that when he does pass away that she is taken care of…that things are in order.  She assures me they are.  I hope so.  We had a really nice talk though.  Probably the longest one we have had in months, if not years. 

After showering and talking to GBF (totally teased him for not buying me flowers this year – I mean last year he did…remember my blog on it!!  We were in a crap place last year, I hated so much of him and he bought me flowers!  This year we are friends, we are in a much better place, and I get nothing!  LOL…next year if I am single I will pick a fight with him to ensure I get something!)  I passed out cold…only to be woken up by a crazy nightmare where I was in some foreign country and working in a brothel – not as the woman who sleeps with people, but as security (ya who the hell am I supposed to secure???)…and people were getting killed and raped and I have no idea what brought on such foolishness, but it kept me awake wishing I could call…nah I won’t say…but I did wanna call someone and calm myself down.  Why do my dreams have to be so freaking real???  Ridiculous! 

All in all, today should hopefully be a wonderful day.  See if my plans stick, see if work goes well – see what client’s bring me today…have a wonderful hump day everyone

XOXO Nikilee