The “ex” Factor

So I have spent a lot of time blogging and thinking about ex’s.  Lately I haven’t been thinking of MY ex’s but everyone elses ex’s and me as an ex as well.  Why do I spend so much time thinking of people who should mean nothing to me, people who should not impact my life, who should have no control over my emotions or my relationships – well because in reality – at my age, ex’s are a reality show that never seems to end.  It’s kind of like Survivor, when one season ends, you pray it’s over…I mean 20+ seasons later, I am over it…and just like Survivor – I am over my ex, I am over my guys ex and I am over being considered an ex.

The first time I really had to encounter an ex was in tenth grade.  My bf C and I had broken up and he started dating a new girl.  This girl was (in my opinion) not as attractive as me and certainly no where near as smart or kind as I was so I didn’t understand the attraction.  I was still hung up on him and was annoyed that he had settled for this other girl so soon after our break-up.  I know I said a million mean things about her to my friends.  We would trash her and him behind her back.  I never gave her the time of day, putting my back up and rolling my eyes whenever she came into view.  However, I never once called C and begged him to dump her and take me back.  I have, if anything, a complete fear of rejection.  I let him do his thing, and alas we ended up dating again for a few more months later that year before breaking up permanently and he took back the unattractive mean girl (okay so maybe she wasn’t unattractive and my memories just like to remember her as such – but she was mean…a real bitchy chick with an attitude).  But again, I never told him how I felt about him, never tried getting him back by hoarding him or his friends.

I didn’t really have to deal with ex girlfriends again until twelfth grade.  I was dating a guy who was really cute – but really meant nothing to me.  His ex wanted him back, he said no.  She said she would sleep with him if he took her back.  I was not sleeping with him and had no desire to do so as we hadn’t been dating long, so he dumped me, and took back the whore from Mowat…isn’t that mean – I must be in a bad mood.  But at age 18, that is what and how I felt about the situation.  He ended up cheating on her at a party with me (just kissing, and I had way to much to drink) and she found out and told him he could no longer talk to me – ever.  Needless to say an 18-year-old guy will choose sex with a woman over friendship with a woman so we were no longer friends and he stayed with the girl for as long as I knew him (which was only a few more months thank God).  I never asked him to take me back.  I never cried over him and I never asked him to give us a chance.  Now this was probably because I knew in my heart we were not going to last.  He was who I knew I should want to be with, athletic, cute, rich had a huge group of like-minded friends…but he was an idiot really – a jock with an ego.  So I wasn’t heart-broken to go back to my old life and pick it back up.

Now you may be thinking I didn’t grovel because these relationships were fleeting, I was young.  It’s harder to lose someone you truly love and it makes you do crazy things…well it’s possible you are right – but remember, I hate rejection and will avoid it at all costs. 

When me and Filipino boy started dating, he had a long-term ex – I was a tad jealous of her, I mean she had been in his life for a long time, I was new.  But he never gave me reason to believe that she was more important than I was.  He kept her at a safe distance.  Fast forward five years and me and Filipino boy separated and he eventually started dating someone new.  This poor girl didn’t stand a chance in the beginning and now, looking back I feel awful.  I had developed such a close relationship with his family that they never gave her a real opportunity to shine.  They wanted us back together, even though we were in no way getting back with each other – but I was still in and out of their lives since his sister had become one of my closest friends.  It took the poor woman months to get even a small warm feeling from his parents and even though they are no longer together I often wonder if his parents had been more welcoming would they have made it!?

When me and GBF started dating, I never gave up my relationship with Filipino boys family.  I know now that was a mistake.  Not that I should have given them up per se, but I should have changed the relationship – I still called them mom and dad, I visited his sister at her home with everyone there as often as I could.  It wasn’t fair to GBF and it wasn’t fair to Filipino boys girlfriend.  I guess because I was friendly with him and didn’t think of ever being back with him, I never looked at it from their perspective.  A mistake I regret terribly.

Ahhh GBF.  Doesn’t it always come back to him.  GBF had two main ex’s I concerned myself with.  The prom queen and the crazy chick – no really she was crazy, it’s okay if I say that.  The prom queen was his first love and his first heart-break.  It is very hard to be the new girlfriend (especially when you have been bff’s for years) when his first love was the freaking prom queen!  Especially when I have always felt a bit like the ugly duckling.  I never felt like I was good enough for him.  That I would ever be enough.  I didn’t doubt he loved me, I guess I just figured she was more his type.  Prom queen never really interfered in our rel’n as far as I know  though because they hadn’t talked in forever and he had no desire to ever start talking again.  However crazy chick – she was a completely different story.  I have no doubt in my mind that even though it has been almost 8 years since their break up that she still loves him and thinks about him every minute until this very day.  She constantly called and it put a lot of strain on our relationship, but he is a “nice” guy so he never was willing to tell her to go the fuck away and I was never willing to put my foot down and make some demands of my own – demands I had every right to make.  He hasn’t dated anyone since me so I haven’t had to deal with that, but he is just my friend now so I don’t think I would be a pain in the rear ex girlfriend, but you never know.  I am sure most new girls he dates will feel threatened by our continued closeness we now have.  I mean I would.  But I know he would never make them feel like I was a threat, because I am not and he, like me, has learned from his mistakes.

Ahhh now there is the newbie.  Yes for those of you who don’t know me personally, there is a new guy.  Nothing official yet – other than the fact we spend almost every day together and we do spend every weekend together.  He has an ex – and despite some not so great circumstances of how we first met, she is the ex and I am hoping she stays that way.  I don’t think he would take her back and I know he is as crazy about me as I am about him…but there is always the “ex” factor.  She is one of the pain-in-your-ass ex’s I have mentioned above.  But the situation is different – and harder to explain without one, two or all three of us turning out badly so I will just say – mistakes have been made on all parts and I hope that one day – SOON – she goes away.  That she leaves me and newbie to figure out our relationship for ourselves.  I guess only time will tell, but until then, I will never like being “the ex” or dealing with “the ex”. 

And now I have officially spent WAY too much time on people who are essentially worthless to me and my current existence.  I am going to try to leave the past in the past and pray that those around me and who are involved in my life can do the same!  I also hope to bring some happy news to my blogs soon.  I know it’s been awhile since I last blogged, and things have been stressful with strike talk, family matters, sicknesses and all, but I do want to be blog more so look forward to hearing more from me soon!

XOXO Nikilee


***On Monday March 26th, my thought for the day calendar was as follows: DON’T JUDGE: try not to judge people harshly, especially on first meeting.  Their actions might not reveal their enduring character but instead reflect some current situation they find themselves in. 

It has come to my attention that my opinion on newbies ex might have been a bit harsh…while I don’t change my opinion, because she is the EX and is an ex that hasn’t made herself scarce, I shouldn’t talk smack about her when I don’t know her and never will.  I don’t want my comments affecting poor newbie, or anyone else for that matter, because he is moving on with his life and bringing up the past or talking about negative situations will only keep a cloud over our heads…it’s spring…a new season, time for change and me judging someone based on the crappy situation they are in isn’t fair and for those of you who know me at all know that while I get annoyed easily, I don’t like to hurt people. So I apologize to newbie, his ex and those of you who are in ex’s situation and were offended.  Please remember a blog is like a journal, where people write what they are feeling and some days are great and some days – are not so great and while I shouldn’t judge or speak negatively about people because I don’t know their situation – neither should others assume that my life is so rainbows and pot of gold all the time either.  This is the last I will say on this situation…