While some things change – I guess some things never will

In high school, I was incredibly confidant for my age and gender.  Teenage girls are by theory, insecure, naive and immature.  I wasn’t.  I mean don’t get me wrong, I know I had my moments – but I really didn’t care too much what others thought of me and I had a close group of friends that I felt were equals – that I wasn’t competing for attention or trust or loyalty. 

Once I moved to Peterborough for University though, something happened – something changed, I changed.  Now maybe my environment was too overwhelming – Peterborough is as opposite as Scarborough as you can get in both good and bad ways, but I lost myself, I lost my faith in me, I lost those close friends who had been my confidants and for the first time in years, I had to make new friends – I didn’t think it would be so hard considering I am known as the social butterfly by nature.  However, I constantly felt like I was competing for friendships, like I wasn’t good enough or cool enough or special enough to be cared about on a consistent basis.  Through my four years at Trent, I always felt on edge, my anxiety really starting to overtake the best parts of me.  I was paranoid constantly, stuttering through my words and actions and my grades suffered because of it.  The people I was closest to in University would never call me “smart” or a “good student”.  But I was – in high school at least!?  So what changed?  

I don’t know, I still don’t. 

Coming home after graduation, I had to pick up the pieces of my life, figure out where I belonged, what life I wanted for myself.  When Filipino boy and I broke up – I was heartbroken, but not surprised at all because I had changed and so had he.  We would have hated each other if we had stayed together, resentment would have grown.

After almost ten years since graduating Trent, I have changed again to be a more confidant, self-assured woman, sure of who I am, what I say and what I mean.  I am more of the me in high school – with better decision-making capabilities (cause my decision-making skills seriously lacked through 99% of  Cedarbrae). 

And then I have dinner with my Trent friends and I’m thrown back ten years – just like that. 

I had dinner on Saturday night with B, his fiancé, N and her husband.  Now B and N were two people I was probably closest to at the end of it all even though I had suffered many ups and downs, teasing and playing with them throughout my four years with Trent.  I see B regularly as he lives closest to me, but N I haven’t seen since 06, maybe 07.  The whole evening was great, we had a great meal, talked a lot about the “good ol’ days” and what’s current in our lives, but I found myself sounding “dumber ” than I actually am.  I found myself stumbling through my words and ganged up on again.  I am sure it was all in my head, I know we are all mature(ish) adults who have all made names for ourselves in our respected industries, with friends and with family, but with a knock on the door, I was 20 years old fighting for attention, hoping they would still like me.  

How stupid?!  I know – trust me…sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and I shake my head whenever that other me – the old me – shows her face.  And other times, I smile knowing that at the end of the day – I love who I am, who I have become and all the stuff I have had to go through in between, is just that – stuff, stuff that disappears with maturity and years.  And with this chapter of my life slowly coming to an end, a new one about to begin (more details later) I must be as strong as I can!

XOXO Nikilee

Baseball season

The smell of dew on the grass, soaking my new flip-flops and making me regret not bringing boots.

The crunch of gravel under my feet as I drag my lawn chair, purse, a clip board and a couple of pens the 15 minute walk from the parking lot to the diamond. 

The guys grunting their hello’s as they get in “game mode” (some of them clearly hung over as they down Gatorade and coffee at 8:00am). 

The wives and girlfriends hugging hello and chatting about kids, life and anything but baseball until baseball ACTUALLY starts at 9:30 am. 

The coach pacing the grounds until his latecomer finally show up with seconds to spare and threatening to bench him(typically GBF). 

The cold morning breeze giving way to a heat wave a couple of short hours later and jackets, sweaters and coffee cups being thrown everywhere.

Baseball season is beginning for my boys this month.  My ex’s, my friends husbands, my friends.  Every year for the past 6-7 years I have been a part of this time-honored tradition of spring and thoroughly enjoyed every. freaking. minute. of it.  This year, will be a bit different.  I have no boyfriend who is playing.  I have no one to follow.  I have no team I am dedicated to as all my friends bf’s and husbands are on different teams this year. 

I just looked at your roster and threw up in my mouth

I will be an outcast – the one who comes to watch, even though no man will be hitting home runs for me or kissing my forehead as they run on the field.  Am I sad?  No, not really.  Watching boyfriends play, having a certain team to follow to every game is exciting.  It brings a different level of contentment.  However, the early mornings will now be by choice, not force.  The cold, wet days will be spent inside realxing, not under a leaking blue tarp shivering.  I can pick and choose which guys to cheer for and which guys to boo and cuss out.  I can spend time with my girlfriends, chatting, drinking, smoking, whatever I want.  I no longer will be a score keeper.  I will not have arguments with the ump about whether we had 5 runs that inning or 6.  I will not have unsure, insecure girls running up to me from the other team to give me their line up only to change it five minutes later.  I will be a cheerleader.  I will be a visitor.  I will enjoy. 

Don't forget your baseball team can easily bounce back from a slow start to have an epic end-of-season meltdown

Yes this year will be different, but as long as the sun comes up and warms our beautiful diamonds, I will be there – showing my support to a great group of guys who have done nothing but be sweet and polite to me – their friend.

And also – GO JAYS GO!  A whole other reason to be freaking excited about ball season – professional ball is back too!!!!

 XOXO Nikilee

Can ex’s be friends?

This question is always  thrown at me since GBF and I decided to put our friendship above all else and reunite – as friends only.  Of course we have a HUGE history.  A long, emotionally draining history that makes me exhausted just thinking of it, but our History started with us being friends – best friends.

However my answer is always the same – if you want to make it work you can.  We have a history that includes a friendship so we have a basis, somewhere to start from.  We have love and respect for each other so we have a guideline to follow.  We both know we want very different things and as much as we have love for each other, it’s not romantic.  It’s friendship. 

While dating my most recent ex, GBF and I didn’t really spend time together, but we did talk.  It didn’t make my ex comfortable and that was my fault.  I should have chosen my relationship over my friendship with him, but at the time I really didn’t see the conflict.  Now clearly I do and with my next bf I will do things very differently.  I also know that if GBF were to get into a relationship with any woman – but especially back with his recent ex, we wouldn’t be able to continue our friendship in the same manner.  It is threatening to people – our closeness, his concern over me and my family, my need to discuss things  and receive that comfort from him.  It might not be right – but it is what it is.  WE both know our feelings are platonic towards each other and that we both want to leave the past in the past.

But since we won’t be able to be good friends when we start dating other people in order not to hurt them, are we really friends now – or just holding out till something better comes along?  I really hope that is not the case!

I miss my relationship with my ex, more than I should and more than pleases my closest girlfriends, I don’t miss my relationship with GBF.  I don’t want to be friends with my ex – there are still feelings there and I don’t think people can be so close when romantic feelings are still involved on one or both people’s side. 

What am I blithering on about – I don’t know.  I guess I am just scared I am going to lose my friend all over again and all this talk about me dating brings those feelings to light.   I won’t lie to any of them.  With my ex, he knew GBF and all about our relationship, but new guys won’t – but I will be honest with them and explain who he is and what he means to me and hope they can accept it – if not, then what — I lose my friendship?  I don’t know, and I don’t like not knowing.

XOXO Nikilee

Ate dinner then made dinner…something seems wrong!

Last night after a really long day of work, I met up with two of my favourite ladies whom I used to work with at my old TESS office.  When I became a case worker I was transferred to a different office, but I kept in touch with three of my favourite ladies and have had dinner/nights out with them regularly ever since.

Last night we hit up Canyon Creek which is an amazing place that equals Keg quality food, but not at Keg quality prices! Seeing them again just made me instantly relax.  I am so blessed to have such amazing women in my life who I truly enjoy spending time with.  I got a Raspberry Blue bubble to drink (think blue freezee) and the prime rib (small) with mashed potatoes.  SO. FREAKEN. GOOD. 

We talked for two hours and I left them sad to say goodbye – but grateful to know how supporting and loving they are!  I went home to realize it was Thursday! I had told my mom I would make her a lasagna!!!  OH NO!  Okay so fast forward two hours and I had made two delicious lasagnas (I had to make one for Dad also or he would cry foul).  My mom has been going through so much with Biker Dude and his cancer.  It’s getting worse and it does not look good.  Again, it’s difficult to sympathize,  but I love my mom and I don’t like to know she is going to be alone soon.  So I have made her some food that my Auntie G will bring her today and hopefully that will at least allow her to not worry about food for herself for a few days. 

I want to wish you all a Happy St Patties Day!  I am decked out in green, feeling lucky and ready to have an amazing weekend!  Have a great day everyone! 

Me and my Irish boss decked out in green!

XOXO Nikilee