Can ex’s be friends?

This question is always  thrown at me since GBF and I decided to put our friendship above all else and reunite – as friends only.  Of course we have a HUGE history.  A long, emotionally draining history that makes me exhausted just thinking of it, but our History started with us being friends – best friends.

However my answer is always the same – if you want to make it work you can.  We have a history that includes a friendship so we have a basis, somewhere to start from.  We have love and respect for each other so we have a guideline to follow.  We both know we want very different things and as much as we have love for each other, it’s not romantic.  It’s friendship. 

While dating my most recent ex, GBF and I didn’t really spend time together, but we did talk.  It didn’t make my ex comfortable and that was my fault.  I should have chosen my relationship over my friendship with him, but at the time I really didn’t see the conflict.  Now clearly I do and with my next bf I will do things very differently.  I also know that if GBF were to get into a relationship with any woman – but especially back with his recent ex, we wouldn’t be able to continue our friendship in the same manner.  It is threatening to people – our closeness, his concern over me and my family, my need to discuss things  and receive that comfort from him.  It might not be right – but it is what it is.  WE both know our feelings are platonic towards each other and that we both want to leave the past in the past.

But since we won’t be able to be good friends when we start dating other people in order not to hurt them, are we really friends now – or just holding out till something better comes along?  I really hope that is not the case!

I miss my relationship with my ex, more than I should and more than pleases my closest girlfriends, I don’t miss my relationship with GBF.  I don’t want to be friends with my ex – there are still feelings there and I don’t think people can be so close when romantic feelings are still involved on one or both people’s side. 

What am I blithering on about – I don’t know.  I guess I am just scared I am going to lose my friend all over again and all this talk about me dating brings those feelings to light.   I won’t lie to any of them.  With my ex, he knew GBF and all about our relationship, but new guys won’t – but I will be honest with them and explain who he is and what he means to me and hope they can accept it – if not, then what — I lose my friendship?  I don’t know, and I don’t like not knowing.

XOXO Nikilee


2012 in review

Today is my last day of work for 2012 – it is also the last day I will probably blog for 2012 because I start Christmas Vacation and my calendar is filled with family, friends and laser eye surgery.  I mean I could try blogging blind for the day I have my surgery – but that could be incriminating!

As I’m reflecting over this year and as much as the last few months have been emotionally trying both professionally and personally, I am glad this year happened.  I started this year thinking I would never be able to move past my relationship from GBF.  One wedding in the DR a month later and I was quickly falling head over heels with someone else and feeling completely released from my relationships from years past. 

Falling in love is such an amazing feeling and I have to admit I am in love with falling in love, but none of the guys I had dated in between GBF and MiMo could get me to feel anything further than friendship and admiration.  MiMo changed that and as much as it hurts that we didn’t work out, he did change my life – and my year!  So 2012 is over and I am hopeful that with the new year comes new opportunities to meet people.

I have spent some time with amazing friends and family!  Between the DR trip with K and family, Zumba with my sister-in-law and my NK nights, I couldn’t have asked for a more fulfilled year in the friendship department.  I have also become extremely close to my gf at work A and have spent plenty of hours crying on her shoulder and laughing along with her at numerous activities throughout the year.

Work has been – well work.  I truly am blessed because I LOVE my job, I love working for the City I love, serving clients who need my help and seeing them reach goals set.  There have been times where I wanted to pull my hair out and kick and scream, but that had nothing to do with my job or the clients – that was an internal struggle and I have adjusted to that and moved on fairly unscathed.   I look forward to meeting new clients in 2013 and being given new opportunities to prove my worth in this field!

Finally, on a family note – my dad went through the whole year with no major catastrophes.  His heart behaved, the diabetes didn’t give him any more trouble then usual and I was able to get through all of 2012 without constant worry for him.  My father is my world (as I think most people know) and having him in it is my number 1 priority.  

I also have been able to work – lightly – on a new relationship with my mother.  There were a lot of years of hurt there to make up for, but since her husband passed away in March 2012 (may he R.I.P) I feel like I have my mom back.  We may have lost years as mother/daughter, but maybe we gain years as friends – as equals.  As partners in crime.  I look forward to our Vegas trip with my aunt G in April 2013.  Life with my parents is looking up.  I have not said that in YEARS!

My wish for my readers, friends and family for 2013 is for you all to have your greatest wish come true.  I hope you are able to find (or stay in) love, health and happiness.

XOXO Nikilee

Oh to be a nomad

When I was in University I used to talk to GBF quite regularly as he was honestly and truly my best friend. He used to talk about how he wanted to move to Virginia, find work and raise a family and we would discuss the complications of this plan at length.  He promised he wouldn’t forget about me, so I never tried to talk him out of it!

Fast forward ten years and he (and I) are both still living in Toronto – not what either of us had really pictured.

I think I knew at some point I would end up back in Toronto to take care of my father, but in reality, I didn’t think he would live this long either. I am grateful he has, please don’t get me wrong, but seriously he has A LOT of health problems.  I had hoped that when I moved back, it would be AFTER I had lived somewhere else, travelled extensively and lived a crazy whirl wind life!

When I went to teachers college, I did have it in the back of mind that by going to school in Buffalo NY, I would also have my NY state teaching certificate which would allow me to teach in any of the 50 states in the U.S.A. Secretly I knew that if GBF was going to go to the States – so was I! Of course at this point we were dating so I wasn’t stalking him I swear!

I have thought again recently about moving, about travelling more, about a lot of things I can’t currently do because I am taking care of my father and I will not leave him for more than a week at a time to travel – which limits me, but I know one day I will be able to do as I please.

I think about moving to a different place, BC? Edmonton? Montreal? My problem is I don’t have any huge desire to move to these places, I would want to move to the U.S, but that is not easy. There are immigration problems; VISA’s to deal with and of course – finding a job. I am a case worker for Social Services. This is not an easy job to transition out of into a new field. My teaching certificate means nothing to them now as it was over 5 years ago I graduated and have no experience to show for it.

I was reading a fellow bloggers blog today and she has announced she is moving her family to Florida from Ohio. I love how American’s seem to be able to pick up and leave the State with no major concerns that we have. I wish we had those options. I mean if I had to choose between BC and Ontario, there isn’t much difference weather wise or opportunity wise, but Ohio and Florida, it’s like night and day!!! I see a lot of reality tv stars go from one state to another, back and forth and it’s not an issue. I guess it wouldn’t really be if I moved to BC either, but it frustrates me that I can’t do the same in the states!

I don’t know how much is really left for me here. I have a job that I can’t leave unless an AMAZING opportunity arrived, I have great friends that I would miss, but would come to visit and vice versa and an extremely small family. Yep I think I would be okay with moving. I think I would be very okay with moving. I guess time will only tell, I wish I knew some immigration officers in America !  I wish I could find a new job somewhere else that would tempt me to give up my amazing job now.

XOXO Nikilee

I think I need a mental vacation

I know I cannot afford an actual one (and neither can anyone else who I’d wanna take with me), but a mental vacation is  high on the top of my list of needs right now.  Just a couple of days where I can lie in bed, sleep, read, answer to no one – of course I’d want newbie there, but if he was getting bored or loud, well he’d have to go play outside because this is my mental vacation and on this vacation there is no loudness, no room for boredom!  Now all I need is my bsmt apartment and a new bed (since my is broken, thank you K and GBF for not putting it together properly!) and my mental vacation can begin!

Biker dude passed away Friday March 30th at 4:10 pm.  I spent the next week back and forth between home in Toronto and my mom’s home in Bobcaygeon, ON.  An almost two-hour drive.  Taking care of two parents who both need you and who live far apart is BRUTAL.  I needed to support my mother, she has lost her true love, a love that did everything for her.  While I may not have gotten along with Biker dude, she loved him and relied on him for everything.  Thankfully she has an amazing sister who also split her time between Toronto and Bobcaygeon to offer support and a shoulder to cry on.  In time I know my mom will be okay, and I will be grateful if/when she moves back to the city so I can be there for her and my father in a much more comforting environment. 

Without airing too much family laundry I have been fighting with my brother a lot lately – and T has gotten involved at times as well.  I know, I know, I ALWAYS fight with my brother – we are two peas from the same pod, but you would never know it!  We are the exact opposite in every way possible.  But we have both crossed lines now and who knows if or when those lines will be erased.  Fighting with T is exhausting though because she is also my bff.  You can’t fight with your bff without wanting to punch a wall just so you cause yourself some physical pain to take away the emotional pain.  Things between us are okay now, not the same, but we love each other and they will be fine, but I’ll be grateful when it’s all over with.  All this fighting isn’t good for any of us – at least some of us have healthy ways of dealing with it – you know communication…

My grandmother’s house is in the process of being cleaned out and fixed up to sell!  Hence the reason for the fighting between me and my brother.  It’s a huge task as my grandmother was something of a hoarder.  No matter how many hoarding shows I watch, or how many Pawn Star shows I see regularly, I have no idea whats’ worth any money or value and whats not.  I literally picked up her entire jewelry box and brought it home hoping I can find someone who can appraise it. I mean my grandma owned a lot of junk jewels – I can tell some of it is dollar store quality because I probably bought it for her when I was young.  However some of it looks nice, or old, or expensive…so who knows?!  We will see.  I miss my grandma, but holding onto that house is not allowing me to let go…and I need to.  I feel like to much of a disappointment to her in so many ways and I need to accept what is, what was and go on with my life being the best me I can be.  I went to visit her grave last weekend over Easter.  I dropped off newbie at home and went across the street to the cemetery to say hello.  I was at first grateful I found it because I have never gone alone.  Secondly I was grateful I went because I let out a few tears, said hello, apologized for the two years of lies about me and GBF being together and told her about Newbie.  I believe she is watching over me, protecting me, loving me still.  I want her to know who newbie is and how important he is to me, I am sure she would like him, approve of him because of how happy I have been since dating him (once she got over me not being with GBF, who in her eyes could do no wrong).   

Work has been busy – I mean it usually is, but with PAYE and the workshops and the critiques and the community outreach, I am tired.  It doesn’t help I was off for 11 days for my mom and the pile of email notifications built up to well over 100.  I need to re-organize myself.  Get my thoughts straight, figure out who is on first and who the heck is on second!!  Don’t understand?  That’s okay, I do.  I will figure it out probably just in time for my two weeks of being ill and off for the surgery!

I finally have had some resolution for my uhhh…”lower back problems”…I am having surgery again.  It will be on May 9th.  Newbie has taken a couple of days off to be with me during surgery and to stay with me afterwards.  Honestly, if it wasn’t for newbie, I have no idea where I would be right now – going mental probably.  he has held my hand through everything.  He is my light, my happiness and the fact that he has been so supportive during all this craziness just shows his character – he is a man with so much love to give and I am grateful he has chosen to give it to me! 

XOXO Nikilee


Diamonds are a girls best friend…

…maybe not, I have lots of friends and I would never give up one of them for a diamond (however if one wanted to GIVE me a diamond, I wouldn’t say no)  It must be almost Valentines Day because People’s and Mappins are sending out their special flyer…so pretty!  Even if I get no jewelry I still love looking at these flyers…

I am home ill again today because I have no voice – literally…I can’t speak, it’s all squeaky and scratchy and SO not attractive!  Thank God for text messaging and blogging and Facebook.  I haven’t been this quiet for this long in years!!!  Being quiet makes me think and thinking is not always a good thing!!

With Valentines coming up I have to accept the fact that I am alone on this day of love and romance and blah blah blah all over again.  Last year was my first Valentines  Day that I had ever been alone, and now here I am again – round 2!  This year though is okay.  Last year I felt like the only single girl in the world, and while not much has really changed in that sense – seriously how do all my friends have boyfriends/husbands – I am much happier being single this year then I was last year.

Last year I never could have imagined myself loving anyone other than GBF, but I now know that to be untrue.  I have felt something real with someone who was worth the heartache and even though it was bad timing and I wasn’t whom he wanted in the end, what I felt proved to me that I can love someone else again, I can give myself to someone and trust someone, it will just take the right someone else.

So maybe I won’t get flowers or chocolate or wine on February 14th, but I have a smile on my face and warm memories in my heart.  Because I have loved, in the past and I have cared about people since and I have people who care about me now.  And who knows, maybe this time next year, I’ll be with the man of MY dreams which is something I can smile about.

I hope all of you couples have a wonderful pre-Valentines day weekend and are with the one you love.  Those of you are single…enjoy it regardless, call a friend, a parent or another relative and tell them how much you care…cause really shouldn’t Valentines Day be about showing love to everyone?  Why just your partner?? 

Ciao people

XOXO Nikilee

Pain in the (my) neck

Yesterday equalled me getting back to my real life, the trip is over, no more days off, back to REALITY.  I woke up to Bon Jovi’s “Living on a Prayer” which made me smile and laugh because it was one of the numerous songs in my head while I was in the DR.  Then I realized it was 6:00 am and I smashed the snooze button, the last thing I want at 6 am is DR memories on a day when I need to go work. 

After throwing the covers off at 6:30 I dressed up (had to go to Metro Hall for  a meeting, might as well look super cute) and ran out the door trying to get my GPS to grab a signal to show me how the hell to drive to metro hall.  You would think that having been there for meetings a couple of times a year I would know how to get there – and vaguely I do, however when I got to John St, my parking lot was gone and a construction crane was in its place.  DAMN IT.  Had to figure out a new place to park…after circling random streets I finally found a place and was still 45 minutes early. 

After the very, very “interesting” (gag, cough) meeting I had to get back to my actual job where everyone was waiting to hear all the details from my trip.  While leaving some good stuff out, I pleased everyone enough to open my emails and start seeing what I missed all week while I was sunning and swimming.  Nothing, I missed nothing.  I am not on strike, the renovations at work haven’t started, nothing good, cool or exciting happened while I was away.  To bad for them…lol

Last night I had one of my new therapy sessions.  It’s CBT therapy.  I figured I might as well go get a talking to.  I told the Dr. everything that’s been going on for the past couple of weeks and other than quitting smoking (and starting again and quitting again) he didn’t seem overjoyed (join the club Doc.).  But he did make me feel pretty good about some of my not so great choices so that was nice of him (can I get an AMEN)  LOL…

By the time I got home, my throat was so sore and raw from the strep (and talking all damn day) that I really couldn’t imagine talking anymore.  Thankfully Tuesday nights are Biggest Loser nights with daddy so I didn’t have to talk much.  Until my phone rang.  My best buddy at work has been a successful applicant for a new job and he is leaving Social Services 😦

All good things must come to an end…haven’t I said this before???  It really sucks.  I now am seriously considering my work options, job location options and future choices and how they will affect me and my life.  The only thing I have any control over right now is my work.  I am a single girl who lives at home, work is kinda all I got right now where I get to make all the decisions.  Of course once I heard what my buddy had to say, I only had one person I could call who would know how I feel.  I called the ex.  Instead of calling him the ex, because it’s really not how I feel about him now, I am going to call him GBF (I know some of you reading will get it and those of you who don’t – don’t worry it’s an inside joke). 

GBF and I have really worked at being friends again.  No relationship, no intense moments, just a genuine friendship.  We have both made huge mistakes in the past but we have found forgiveness in each other and the one thing me and GBF always had was a solid, understanding, loving friendship.  So I knew calling him last night would be the one thing that would make me feel better.  And he did.  He allowed me to see different options at work, different view points of different situations, and while I would have loved to have gotten his advice on other stuff…we aren’t quite there yet.  But he did calm me down enough to fall asleep, which I needed – desperately. 

How can a person like me who craves 9+ hours of sleep get NO sleep in the DR and function perfectly fine, but come back to TO and get 8 hours sleep and wanna die the next day…maybe my therapist can answer that…stay tuned. 

We’ve got to hold on to what we’ve got cause it doesn’t make a difference if we make it or not…

XOXO Nikilee