Keeping up

Keeping busy, occupied, is the answer.  The question: how do you move past the passing of your most loved loved one? 

It’s not the right answer – I know that.  Anyone knows that.  However, when time doesn’t permit you to heal, when you have a job, you don’t have time to heal properly.  I don’t have real time to grieve.  I need to be at work – focused.  So I keep busy.  With work and friends and my new dog, my days are full.   My life is full.  

My heart is another story.  It is empty; there is a large gaping wound where the love for my father once sat comfortably.   I am angry with the world, angry that he left to soon, angry that his last few years were not kind to him, angry that he died alone, not holding my hand the way he would have been there to hold mine. 

I know it’s not my fault, in my heart – I know that.  But I didn’t get to say a proper goodbye, I didn’t get to make him giggle one last time – he didn’t get to see my biggest dream come true (more on that another day) and that makes me angry.  I am sure at some point, grief counseling will come, because I cannot be angry forever – forever is not necessarily a long time – and I want to live my life the way my dad would have wanted me to, happy, cheerful, social and spontaneous, the way I lived it before, before he passed away, before he got sick, before he was taken from me, my brother, my sister-in-law, his grandchildren and his cousin. 

Before. 

XOXO Nikilee

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It’s all over for another year

Last night, my brother and his wife had a wake to go to so me and dad had their kids to watch.  Since it was also my birthday my dad ordered Swiss Chalet.  Before the kids could eat though he made them earn their dinner!

The Christmas tree was taken down, the decorations stored away for next year and the lights placed (not so delicately) in a bag by my larger than life 15-year-old nephew.  My nieces were a great help cleaning up and making sure all the hooks were placed in a container.  One thing I hate is when I go to put up the tree and I cannot find any hooks!  They earned their food for the night!  (please don’t call Childrens Services we would have fed them regardless – promise)!!!!

So the tree is down, and for some reason, after 30 Christmas’s at home, it still amazes me how much larger our living room looks after that tree is put away!  I mean our living room is average size, but when the tree is up – it’s squishy and claustrophobic!  But now – with the window being cleaned (there was lots of snowmen and snowflakes stuck to it for the past 6 weeks) I can freely walk around again without bumping an ornament off!

On a high note – I have a stress ball!  I have quit smoking as of December 23rd and my co-worker Ms. Maggie gave me a stress ball – and it’s pink and has a smily face!  What I love doing – squashing that smily face as I go through a nicotine craving!  Yep I do!  But I love it and will keep it on my desk as a reminder oh how well I am doing.

 

This morning I am fasting.  My church supposedly does this once every quarter.  To learn more please google Global Kingdom Ministries OR just come visit us Sunday Morning at Markham Rd and Progress in Scarborough.  We are south of the McDonald’s.  I am fasting this morning for healing/health.  Myself, some family and friends of mine need healing or better health.  So this morning I prayed for healing of me and others.  I will continue praying today for healing.  Tomorrow I will be praying for safety – safety at work, at home and in the community.  I cannot eat until noon today (I am working so I need enough energy to get me through a day) so if you know whats good for you – don’t ask me to do anything strenuous for until I have food in my belly!

Question: what do you do to relieve stress?

XOXO Nikilee