Goodbye Nikilee30

In December 2010, I was 29 years old turning 30 and my whole world fell apart, everything I had known and trusted was gone.  I needed a place to turn, a friend told me I should try blogging since Social Media was such an important part of my world already.

Throughout the next three years I have had some amazing highs and some anxiety-ridden, dark, depressing lows, but I survived – partially because I had this blog, I had this outlet where I could come and write and feel free to express myself in ways that I couldn’t verbally to friends or family. I could make sense of senseless situations.  My world now, in August 2013, is completely different then I had expected three years ago, but I think it’s time for a change, I know it’s time for a change.  This will be my last blog post on nikilee30. 

The chapter of my life I began three years ago is over; it’s come to an end.  I am the strongest I have felt in a long time.  My endless string of dating disasters is over.  I am single and confidant and have no desire to dip into the online dating pool anymore.  With medication, relaxation and a great group of friends my anxiety levels are normal, I am no longer spiking, panicking in the middle of the night, I am not waking up at 2:00 am unable to fall back asleep.  Things are good, things are peaceful … 

*****Waiting for disaster to strike now that I have spoken those words… 

No? Okay, we’ll move on. 

I have decided to take a step that will bring about new challenges, the biggest choice a woman (or a man) can make.  I have decided to become a single parent. 

I’ll let that sink in…yes, me, Nikilee30 is going to become a single parent – by choice 

Now most of my closest friends and all my family already know this, so it’s not a surprise, but I have kept it “socially” quiet because I wanted to have my first appointment with the fertility clinic before I ended my nikilee30 blog forever.  My first appointment was the middle of July.

Now obviously a lot has changed since even then.  My father, Edward Kenneth Milway passed away suddenly on July 21st, two days after my first appointment.  But I am blessed, because I was able to tell him all about it and watch his eyes light up as his dreams of becoming a “poppy” again were soon to be realized.  

But not all dreams come true.  My dream of my father holding MY baby in his arms and tearing up as his little girl becomes a mother for the first time are over.  But that doesn’t mean my dreams of becoming a mother are over.  Far from it.  I am more determined than ever to have a child, make my dad’s dream come true.  I have had to postpone it – clearly I am in no emotional stand point this month to handle any more responsibilities.  But in the next month or two – I will be.  As I said earlier, I am stronger and more confident than I ever give myself credit for.  

So, I want to take this opportunity to thank a few people (here is my Oscar speech).  

It was an honor just to write a blog, let alone have anyone read it. I have always loved to write freely and creatively and had I been more thoughtful at the time I would have majored in English and become a starving writer like many people I know.   The fact that I am ending this blog with over 60 followers (95% of whom are not friends or family), is astounding to me.  The very idea that someone wants to read words that come out of my head and placed onto the computer humbles me and I truly hope you all follow me on my new blog as I explore the next chapter in my life.  That blog address is up and ready for readers and followers: www.doingthingsourway.wordpress.com – yes I am staying with the WordPress family because they have amazing writers and I enjoy being inspired by them to be better myself. 

I want to thank my friends who read my blog, who comment, who message me privately to compliment me on what I have written and who haven’t complained (too much) about being written about.  I write about you because I love you and you are my life now. ~Edward from Twilight…LOL 

To my Aunt S who has loved me since the day I was born, who has supported me, encouraged me and picked me up when I felt like falling – you are my strongest ally, my role-model of what a woman, a mother, should be.  Thank you I love you more than you know.  I look forward to your comments on my new blog. 

To all my ex’s who have been written about – I’m sorry that a part of your life was spread out for all the world to read, I am sorry if I have hurt anyone by writing the truth – my truth at least as I see it.  To be fair, I warned you. 

Finally, to the girl who was Nikilee30, three years ago…wow – did you ever picture THIS is where you would end up?  You are pretty impressive lady.  You have taken the good and the bad in stride and even though you have made some messed up choices (dating in the DR what were you thinking?), you have come out happy and ahead of the game…things will be tough in the next couple of years as your learn to live your own life, without your father to guide you, but you are finally at a place where you can totally handle anything!  You got this.  Keep your head up high and smile through it all and you WILL BE OKAY 

My new blog address is www.doingthingsourway.wordpress.com.  Please follow me, join me and inspire me as I take on the joys and sorrows of trying to become pregnant (more details are on that blog). 

XOXO Nikilee

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Keeping up

Keeping busy, occupied, is the answer.  The question: how do you move past the passing of your most loved loved one? 

It’s not the right answer – I know that.  Anyone knows that.  However, when time doesn’t permit you to heal, when you have a job, you don’t have time to heal properly.  I don’t have real time to grieve.  I need to be at work – focused.  So I keep busy.  With work and friends and my new dog, my days are full.   My life is full.  

My heart is another story.  It is empty; there is a large gaping wound where the love for my father once sat comfortably.   I am angry with the world, angry that he left to soon, angry that his last few years were not kind to him, angry that he died alone, not holding my hand the way he would have been there to hold mine. 

I know it’s not my fault, in my heart – I know that.  But I didn’t get to say a proper goodbye, I didn’t get to make him giggle one last time – he didn’t get to see my biggest dream come true (more on that another day) and that makes me angry.  I am sure at some point, grief counseling will come, because I cannot be angry forever – forever is not necessarily a long time – and I want to live my life the way my dad would have wanted me to, happy, cheerful, social and spontaneous, the way I lived it before, before he passed away, before he got sick, before he was taken from me, my brother, my sister-in-law, his grandchildren and his cousin. 

Before. 

XOXO Nikilee

he’s gone and my heart is sad

I am sorry bloggers that I have been away so long, my father, my best friend, passed away almost three weeks ago and I miss him, more everyday.  I can’t write about him, not yet, so I am going to post my eulogy to him:

How do you say goodbye to someone who helped give you life?  How do you move on after you have spent the majority of your life counting on one person to get you through the everyday?  How do you wake up and not say good morning dad! (Okay let’s face it, my dad never would have been awake early enough for me to say good morning – anything earlier then 10:00 was ungodly to him)  The truth is, you don’t.  You don’t say good bye – you hope for see you later, you don’t move on, you just move forward and you don’t say good morning, you pray for his peace instead.

On July 21st, 2013, in the very early morning hours, the world, my world lost a hero, a father, a grandfather and a friend.  Edward Kenneth Milway was born on February 11, 1944 in Toronto, ON.  He was an only child to Albert Kenneth and Martha Mary and grew up in the city he loved.  Movies were a nickel or a dime depending on the theater and kids walked to school – both ways up hill in the rain and snow – barefoot, always barefoot.    Or at least that’s the story my father would tell me when I asked for bus fare to get to my own high school down the street.

When my brother and I decided to have a service for my father I immediately thought “who’s going to speak?”  Naturally, me being the talker in the family – the one who rarely shuts up, I knew it would probably be me, my father would have wanted that.   At the same time I knew I didn’t have much to say about his childhood.  He had it good.  Great friends and family, my nana and poppy who  loved and adored him right up to the day of each of their deaths, my grandfather in 1987 and my grandmother just a couple years ago.  What I will talk about is what I know for sure – my life with him for the past 32 years. 

My father, with me,  was a man of very few words – unless he had something important to say, then, I could never get him to stop talking, even when I desperately wish he would – because he was usually lecturing me or grounding me for one thing or another.  From a teenager, my father raised me to be the woman I am today – now that’s up to you to decide if that’s a good thing or a bad thing, but for me, I will always be grateful to him because he let me make mistakes, carefully guiding me and protecting me to make smarter choices.  Now don’t get me wrong, our relationship was never perfect – he was trying to raise a teenage girl, predominately on his own and I was trying to BE a teenage girl, who was wild and crazy and free.  I am sure any man in attendance today can only imagine his fear at something happening to his precious little girl.  I was the only kid in my entire high school to have a ridiculous curfew in my senior year.  Midnight was the time my dad decided only bad things happen after that, so I was to be home by 12:00 – not 12:01, never 12:01 or else I felt his wrath in the form of a grounding and disappointment only a father can use.  As a 19 year old who wanted to party and hang out with her friends – this was a constant source of bitterness between us – now though, now that I am older and arguably more mature, I am grateful, I am sure the trouble I would have gotten into, had he allowed me to be free would have hurt me more in the end.    His encouragement in everything I have ever done or decided is why I do what I do today.  When I wanted to go away to University (to get away from the stupid curfew)  he took me to different campuses so I could make an educated choice – telling me not to choose a school based on how cute the male population was, or the proximity of the closest bar.  When I chose Trent, I knew secretly he was pleased as it was the closest school to home that I had applied to and my dad loved having me close by.  I’ll tell you a secret (I loved being close by too)

Having lived with my father most of my life I consider myself blessed – people say he was lucky to have me because I was his primary caregiver the last few years of his life, but it’s the complete opposite,   I wouldn’t be able to stand here today, if I hadn’t grown up loved, cherished and spoiled rotten by the man who was and always will remain my hero

 

XOXO daddy, I love you

Nikilee

I hate this week

The three white walls, with the hideous flowered curtain making a fourth, stare back at me silently, mocking me at every turn.  The smell of disinfectant and sickness make me nauseous and I want to cry, I want to scream. The beeping of the machines telling me something, but I am not sure what, is increasing the pressure in my head.  I am back in the hospital.  My father is ill, how ill, I don’t yet know, but the blood stained walls and floors at my house tell me something can’t be right.

Wednesday was a long day for me bloggers.  My father called me at work (always a key sign something is wrong – seriously wrong), by the time I got home he was dizzy and lying on the floor.  911 was called immediately.  It turns out a bleeding ulcer, is just that – it bleeds and causes quite the mess in your system (and my home).  The nurses and doctors made him comfortable after he was taken to Scarborough General Hospital and a blood bag was brought in for an infusion.  He’s had three more since then. 

Having donated blood numerous times in the past (being denied last time in April because of my tattoo) I have never been so grateful to those who take their time to donate their fresh clean blood.  It stabilized my father; it has saved my brother’s life in the past and countless others.  I will be donating again as soon as possible, and I hope – and pray – that everyone reading this will take time out this weekend or next to attend a donation centre – it doesn’t take long and the reward (saving lives) is priceless. 

My dad is doing better – they have scoped his stomach and we are waiting for the results.  Every minute and hour that passes by where he is okay brings me hope that he will come home soon and be back where he belongs.  Those who know me know my father is the most important person in my life.  He is my support, my hero, my daddy.  The house, without him in it, is empty, quiet and unfamiliar.  I don’t like it.  His creaking floor boards are a soothing sound, now I just lie in bed, trying to control my panic, my anxiety knowing that I have to keep my mind and body stress free.  Things are changing in my life, drastic changes.  This website – soon will be coming to an end, another taking its place.  More details to come, I promise. 

For now, I must stand up straight, be brave and strong and get through the next few days. 

XOXO Nikilee

Love is in the air…

Oh wedding season, here we come! First my cousin’s, then my dear friend A’s and now my old roommate Brendo’s.  Wow, three weddings in as many months and I am so excited for all of them. 

You know how some people really love weddings and some people really loathe them?  Well I am the former.  I am genuinely happy when people get married!  

My cousin has been with his girlfriend for EON’s and it’s about time they finally make that trip down the aisle, I bought a new hot pink dress for the occasion and I can’t wait to dance the night away with Agi.  Yes I am bringing my GIRL friend because at the time of my invite I was single, still am single and have doubt as to whether my artist would want to join me to a family wedding – that’s asking a lot – of course if he wants to come, I would relish his company and dance the night away with him!  Either way!!!  

A’s wedding will be in September and I cannot wait to see her and her hubby’s little girl all dressed up as mommy and daddy tie the knot!  I have no date for that wedding because GBF will be attending and well that could get awkward so I will probably go up with him and hang out with him for the wedding!  I have admired A for being her own person as long as I’ve known her and I SO GLAD she finally gets her wedding day!  I still need to decide what to wear…dum da dum dum daaaaaaa 

Now with Brendo – he is a funny story.  He met his fiancée years ago and they were friends and then more than friends and than friends on and off for a long time.  I bet him $100.00 that at some point they would get married!  He took the bet – probably because he assumed she’d kick his ass to the curb a long time ago, but alas, he proposed in Florida and they are getting married Thanksgiving weekend!  I, again, am so happy for them both.  They are genuinely amazing people who deserve the world and I can’t wait to toast to their happiness.  Because it will be fall, I’ll probably wear a darker colour – maybe ask him if I can wear a LBD (little black dress)??  

Either way the next few months are going to be full of love and laughter and smiles as I congratulate friends and family on taking the next step in their journey…opening new doors, starting new chapters, taking a risk…

XOXO Nikilee

O’Canada Eh?

Happy Belated birthday Canada.  On July 1st 2013 you turned 146 years old and I swear you don’t look a day over 100.  I am so proud to be a part of your journey.  Our freedom that we mere humans find living in your part of the world is un-matchable anywhere else. 

My previous assumption that you were a little bit off has been totally cleared up now that I realize you're just Canadian

The red and white flag that waves proudly makes me proud to say I AM CANADIAN. 

I do have a little beef to pick with you though! 

Why is bacon and hockey what everyone associates you with???  You know my aversion to bacon – it doesn’t make everything better, and hockey – really?  I’d much rather play and watch baseball any day! 

Regardless, I am grateful I got to spend your birthday hanging my butt over your tallest tower, out and about in your sweetest, sexiest city Toronto.  

This Canada Day, please take Justin Bieber back

Torontonians love Canada.  We bow at your feet and thank the good Lord (whichever one we follow) that we are lucky enough to have our feet on your land, to breathe your air, to swim in your lakes and to eat your food! 

Thank you Canada for being mine, I am truly yours (but if you could get rid of the obnoxious comparison to bacon and Hockey representing you I would be even more grateful if possible!!) 

XOXO Nikilee

 

Cairo

When you walk into E’s house, invited or uninvited, Cairo, their almost 7-year-old Doberman will bring you a shoe in greeting.  Is it a cheap shoe that he chews on you ask?  No…no it’s not, it might be J’s dress shoe or Nike running shoe or E’s stilettos or wedges!  Yep, Cairo had a liking for good quality shoes and bringing it to you was his sign of accepting you into their family.  I’d often find shoes, slippers and sandles in his bed, long thought of as lost or forgotten.

Excuse me while I take a nap

Excuse me while I take a nap, all that eating was exhausting

Cairo also had a love for food – any food, cake, meat, flour, paper towel?  Oops that’s not a food item, but trust me, if you left it in his view, it would be chewed to pieces and remains would be left all over the floor, couch, kitchen table for E and J to clean up later.

My guess is he see's his bff Heyab or a squirrel, either way he gets so excited!!!

My guess is he see’s his bff Heyab or a squirrel, either way he gets so excited!!! Imagine him sitting in your lap…

He was the smartest dog I ever met.  He managed to figure out how to get himself out of locked doors time and time again – the contraptions E and J have on their bedroom door looks more for prisoners or escape artists than for a Doberman, but Cairo was clever.  He had no trouble doing exactly what he wanted to do, when he wanted to do it. 

He loves children - especially little Avalyn, and she loved him right back!

He loves children – especially little Avalyn, and she loved him right back!

You’d think that maybe this made him unlikable, but it was actually quite the opposite.  Cairo, and their other Doberman Vegas, are probably two of the most loved dogs that have ever existed.  I don’t mean just by their owners, I mean by everyone who lays eyes on them. 

What a poser!

What a poser!

If someone new came around, Cairo demanded attention. If your hand was not placed on his head or body he would push his head onto you until you gave up and petted him, and don’t you dare stop after a minute because the whole process will start again.  He looked terrifying – he was a 90 pound Doberman after all, but I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t hurt a fly if it landed on his nose.  I’ve never seem him aggressive, he loved  E and J till his last breath and we, his friends, loved him just as much.

There are a lot of sad people today.  Cairo passed away yesterday two weeks before his 7th birthday.  His brother from another mother Vegas will now be alone and E and J are heartbroken.  Their dogs are their everything.  I miss him.  I’m grateful he is no longer suffering, but the selfish parts of us want him back, want him to give us our shoes when we come in and shove his way onto our little laps in order to receive some loving.  I’d do anything to have the opportunity to push him away and giggle when his massive body jumped on the couch with our noses touching to have my hands petting him.

Goodbye Cairo, my friend.  Wreak havoc in puppy heaven!

XOXO Nikilee