Let’s talk – no really…let’s talk

When I was in the eighth grade, I would visit a guidance counselor at school because I was chubby and even though I had lots of friends, I was sad about my weight, feeling inferior to my skinny peers. 

While in high school, I saw Ms. D on a regular basis, also my guidance counselor, to talk about school, home, friends, relationships and what the heck I wanted to do with the rest of my life.

After graduating from high school, I felt strong and confidant, ready to take on University, and while there was some hard times, I didn’t seek therapy the whole four years I was there – I didn’t feel I needed it. 

Some people don’t believe in therapy – they think it’s for people who are really messed up, or that the Doctor just prescribes medication and BOOM you are all healed.  They don’t know.  They can’t understand because they are closed-minded to the importance of an unbiased ear. 

I believe in therapy, for me, I should say.  When GBF and I broke up and my “future” came to a crashing halt, I knew I would require the help of a therapist to be okay.  I felt weak; I am okay with saying that.  I went on a light dose of medication to calm my scorching panic attacks.  Suicide was not something I could ever see me resulting to, however without someone to talk to, you never know; it could have gone either way.  I went through weekly therapy sessions for months, hashing out what happened, what went wrong and how to start healing my own heart, not depending on others to heal it for me. 

Since my father’s passing one month ago (wow, I cannot believe he has been gone a month) I knew that therapy would probably be required again, but I have been lazy about it.  There has been so much work to do lately that I have ignored that nagging feeling at the side of my brain that I am not okay.  There has been so much loss in the past three years of my life that I know; once again, I need someone to talk to.  Someone who is not family or a close personal friend, but someone who is trained and professional and will give me strategies and tools to accept my fate and move forward with my life. 

I will be calling today to book an appointment.  I don’t want to wait too long.  No one should wait too long.  Why suffer, when you don’t have to?  At times, I feel like I need the suffering, I need the pain to remind me that this is all real, that he is gone, but I know in my heart he never would want me to feel this way (though I also know he knew this is exactly how I would feel and that’s why he held out so long). My Public Service Announcement for today is this: if you or someone you know is suffering or hurting, get them to talk to someone, a professional who can take care of you or your loved one.  Please.  

XOXO Nikilee


It’s Time for a Detoxification

Ever since graduating from University, I have become an addict.  I am taking the first step – admitting I have a problem. 

Is it drugs?  Nope

Alcohol? Nope

Gambling? Nope 

It’s sugar.

I know some of you are probably laughing and some of you are annoyed that I am taking something like sugar and classifying it as an addiction like drinking, drug use or gambling.  But have you been addicted to something that is slowly killing you?  That has killed people in your family?  It’s called Diabetes my friend and my family is full of it.  We have a pre-disposition to diabetes in my family and if I am not careful, sooner or later it will catch up with me and bite me where it hurts the most. 

I have known that I am powerless to sugar for quite a while.  I don’t eat a lot – I skip meals regularly, but if you take away my sugar (my tea in the morning has three sugars in it) I am a hot mess.  

I don’t crave salty treats; I desire chocolate, candy and sugary juice or pops.  The funny thing is I don’t like artificial sweetener.  I have tried.  Trust me.  I am WELL aware of how much weight I could lose if I just skipped the sugar I consume on a daily basis.  However when I try, when I don’t have my tea in the morning (first thing and at break) I get a headache and I always cave in.  I cave in to an addiction that in as little as a decade could destroy my internal organs, causing me to go blind, lose feeling in my feet and be on insulin the rest of my short life.  Don’t tell me that won’t happen – it has happened to my father.  I don’t want his future. 

I don’t want this life, I don’t want it for me and I don’t want it for my future husband or children I may have.  I know – I know – this is important.  I know that I have been fooling myself into believing I don’t have a problem.  However, I have been lazy. I am lazy.  One of my dearest friends has been concerned for me for a while now and has offered to help me detox next week.  Basically she is going to bring my breakfast, lunch, snacks and dinner for five days.  She is an incredibly healthy person and if I followed what she eats and how much she eats regularly I would be a much healthier person.  I know this.  So even though five days to you may seem like nothing – like a minute in a lifetime – it is a huge step.  It’s going to be hard.  Next week I am going to post everyday what I am eating, how I am feeling and any emotions I am going through.  Those of you who may say “just stop eating sugar”, has no idea how it feels – or maybe your self-control is stronger than mine, I am okay with that.  Please don’t judge me, because I am not judging you. 

XOXO Nikilee

The Face of Fear

My chest tightens, the tears fill my eyes and within a few seconds I feel fear, of what I don’t know.

My heart physically starts to hurt and my breathing quickens…am I having a heart attack at the young age of 32?

I don’t want to go out, yet get upset when I know my friends are out together doing something I am not invited to.

I actively make up excuses for being overweight yet I complain when people say anything about it or suggest I should do as they say, they don’t know me – they don’t know what it’s like.

At times I bite the heads off people I love because the heat in my chest is bursting to get out, they have been the ones to make me cross a very thin, invisible line that I walk everyday.

Whats wrong with me you ask – nothing.  Like thousands of other men and women I suffer from anxiety and have been on a medication called Ciprolex for the past three years.  For some reason, none that I can pinpoint, my anxiety has gotten worse over the past month.

I have spent the past three years trying to get my head on straight, make changes, adjust my friendships, forgive people who desperately sought me out and do what everyone wanted me to do – work, date, go out and do whatever it took to be “normal”.  But inside, deep inside my heart, I want to curl into a ball and do none of the above.

Suicide is an option for many people with anxiety-others may just have a physical reaction by either vomiting or having excessive bowel problems, I am fortunate that my anxiety doesn’t manifest itself in any of these ways.  I’m not going to sit here and pretend I haven’t thought how easy it would be to end it all or tell you I’ve never had stomach cramps that beg for me to throw up, but I always manage.  I always get myself under control.

Anxiety and depression aren’t things we talk about with strangers and sometimes not even with those who love us most.  A girl who I have known my entire life I recently re-connected with through her blog www.worthcourting.wordpress.com and like me, she is single, in her 30’s and suffers from anxiety.  Now, Court is a much stronger writer then I will ever be, but our stories are similar.  She is brave.  She is beautiful.  She has made this taboo subject not so taboo. I am grateful that I have read all that she has to write on this topic and praise her for being so candid while so many of us suffer in silence.

Because of fear I have been having lately, I felt a need, a need to write it down.  I ask those of who know me personally to not ask if I am okay.  Don’t ask what you can do.  Don’t tell me I will be okay.  I don’t have any response to those questions or concerns and it just makes me more frustrated when people talk to me about it. I get it – its frustrating to you to see me hurt, to see me cry, to not be able to help, but guess what:

I can’t care right now

I see a doctor, she knows my issues and I am bothered by the fact that due to something completed unrelated I no longer want to be under her care, but I will continue seeing her until I can find someone knew, because regardless of how unstable I feel – I am responsible enough to know having a doctors guidance and support is of more importance right now than our disagreement.

The amount of people I know who have or have suffered from anxiety and/or depression astounds me.  I have friends who have attempted suicide, who have been heavily medicated because of this horrible disease.  It is not a disease that strikes only white, middle class women, though we are the ones who usually come out and talk about it.   This horrible illness effects people – regardless of race, socio-economic status and gender.  It beats you up, it can and does kill you.  It eats you alive from the inside until the only thing that seems normal is not feeling normal.

I write this because I have approximately 44 followers and numerous others who read my blog for whatever reason.  I am asking everyone to realize that you most likely know someone who is suffering right now.  Someone you know is hurting and doesn’t have the resources and support that I do.  Please make yourselves available.  Talk, but please listen.  Pay attention to those you love, check-in and if you are the one suffering, please get help, tell a trusted doctor.  You do not have to be alone.

XOXO Nikilee