Sometimes, one is burnt so badly by love they put up walls that feel like a million inches thick, walls so thick fire nor wind, nor rain can destroy them. Hurricane Sandy wouldn’t touch it. This has happened to me. I believed strongly that there would be no way any man would break through, that I wouldn’t allow anyone to do the impossible, that no man would find me worth it.
Almost a year ago – someone did. Someone listened, and talked and opened up to me in ways that no one else had ever done before. We spent so many of first days and nights together just talking about things we hadn’t told anyone. It was easy. Those walls fell down within a week, but it felt like I had known and loved him a whole lifetime. I was comfortable, satisfied, thrilled and surprised that my life seemed to be moving on.
We both know and understand that we didn’t start off right, that there was complications. There was issues that I am not going to discuss here but we never should have been together in the first place, but something stronger than either of us could have faced brought us together and we faced it head on. For 6 short months, I was happier then I had been in so many years I had lost count.
However, all good things must come to an end, correct? Isn’t that how the story goes? It’s okay, I mean its been some time now and I have learned a few things. Being caught up in love and paradise is great, but in the end it’s not real, there has to be something else…
There was an age difference, and age really isn’t anything but a number, it’s not something I was ever concerned about something I didn’t once worry over, but in reality – age equals experience, maturity, life skills and unfortunately me and my love were on very different tracks. We are both amazing in our own ways and I miss talking, hugging and kissing him every day, but in the end we needed different things and we didn’t continue what we had started. It ended almost faster than it began.
Sometimes I wonder what he’s doing, sometimes I know it’s better not to know. I do know he has moved on with someone else, someone who maybe is better for him then I was, maybe someone who isn’t, but it’s been made official and only time will tell if it lasts. I truly wish him every bit of happiness this world can offer him because he changed me. He changed who I was on the inside, who I had become since building those walls and you can’t ever really thank someone enough for having that kind of effect on you. You just accept fate as it was doled out and try your best to move on. If you ever find someone who can do that for you beware that they will be imprinted on your heart forever.
Can I move on, I mean should I even bother?? I want to. I met someone who I like, but whether that could or ever would go somewhere is beyond my ability to see. I feel like we may just be friends, but I have friends, friends who know and love and adore me beyond anything I deserve. Sometimes I feel like moving on just takes too much work. Those walls that were broken down by my ex have been repaired, they have been recast, maybe stronger than before, taller that is for sure.
I don’t want to fall in love to get hurt again, but falling in love with anyone is a risk, it’s a risk that they won’t love you back, that they will, but may have a change of heart. That the way you look or the way you are or the way you live your life may not be what they need in their life, even if they fit so perfectly a mold you have made.
I have spent so much of the past two years taking care of everyone else around me while trying not to lose myself that sometimes I feel like I won’t be able to be in a relationship without being the caregiver, the nurturer. A man doesn’t need that – he needs a woman, a lover, a friend. Or maybe a mixture of both. Maybe that’s where I have gone wrong all along. I don’t know. I guess things happen for a reason. My ex happened for an amazing reason – to show me the light out of a very dark tunnel that was dragging me down, drowning me in my own depression, not leading anywhere positive, but with that relationship, I also lost someone I had fallen in love with so I am back to square one.
As one of my favourite singers says:
“Ever wonder how the heart can be deceiving, more than just a couple times, why do we fall in love so easy even when it’s not right”
I don’t want my heart to deceive me again, I want it to be right. I want to take a long time to fall in love and I want to know I did it in a way I can be proud of. I haven’t done it right in a while and if I ever allow someone to see me, see the real me ever again all those things will have to fall into place.