Keeping up

Keeping busy, occupied, is the answer.  The question: how do you move past the passing of your most loved loved one? 

It’s not the right answer – I know that.  Anyone knows that.  However, when time doesn’t permit you to heal, when you have a job, you don’t have time to heal properly.  I don’t have real time to grieve.  I need to be at work – focused.  So I keep busy.  With work and friends and my new dog, my days are full.   My life is full.  

My heart is another story.  It is empty; there is a large gaping wound where the love for my father once sat comfortably.   I am angry with the world, angry that he left to soon, angry that his last few years were not kind to him, angry that he died alone, not holding my hand the way he would have been there to hold mine. 

I know it’s not my fault, in my heart – I know that.  But I didn’t get to say a proper goodbye, I didn’t get to make him giggle one last time – he didn’t get to see my biggest dream come true (more on that another day) and that makes me angry.  I am sure at some point, grief counseling will come, because I cannot be angry forever – forever is not necessarily a long time – and I want to live my life the way my dad would have wanted me to, happy, cheerful, social and spontaneous, the way I lived it before, before he passed away, before he got sick, before he was taken from me, my brother, my sister-in-law, his grandchildren and his cousin. 

Before. 

XOXO Nikilee

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Love is in the air…

Oh wedding season, here we come! First my cousin’s, then my dear friend A’s and now my old roommate Brendo’s.  Wow, three weddings in as many months and I am so excited for all of them. 

You know how some people really love weddings and some people really loathe them?  Well I am the former.  I am genuinely happy when people get married!  

My cousin has been with his girlfriend for EON’s and it’s about time they finally make that trip down the aisle, I bought a new hot pink dress for the occasion and I can’t wait to dance the night away with Agi.  Yes I am bringing my GIRL friend because at the time of my invite I was single, still am single and have doubt as to whether my artist would want to join me to a family wedding – that’s asking a lot – of course if he wants to come, I would relish his company and dance the night away with him!  Either way!!!  

A’s wedding will be in September and I cannot wait to see her and her hubby’s little girl all dressed up as mommy and daddy tie the knot!  I have no date for that wedding because GBF will be attending and well that could get awkward so I will probably go up with him and hang out with him for the wedding!  I have admired A for being her own person as long as I’ve known her and I SO GLAD she finally gets her wedding day!  I still need to decide what to wear…dum da dum dum daaaaaaa 

Now with Brendo – he is a funny story.  He met his fiancée years ago and they were friends and then more than friends and than friends on and off for a long time.  I bet him $100.00 that at some point they would get married!  He took the bet – probably because he assumed she’d kick his ass to the curb a long time ago, but alas, he proposed in Florida and they are getting married Thanksgiving weekend!  I, again, am so happy for them both.  They are genuinely amazing people who deserve the world and I can’t wait to toast to their happiness.  Because it will be fall, I’ll probably wear a darker colour – maybe ask him if I can wear a LBD (little black dress)??  

Either way the next few months are going to be full of love and laughter and smiles as I congratulate friends and family on taking the next step in their journey…opening new doors, starting new chapters, taking a risk…

XOXO Nikilee

The Face of Fear

My chest tightens, the tears fill my eyes and within a few seconds I feel fear, of what I don’t know.

My heart physically starts to hurt and my breathing quickens…am I having a heart attack at the young age of 32?

I don’t want to go out, yet get upset when I know my friends are out together doing something I am not invited to.

I actively make up excuses for being overweight yet I complain when people say anything about it or suggest I should do as they say, they don’t know me – they don’t know what it’s like.

At times I bite the heads off people I love because the heat in my chest is bursting to get out, they have been the ones to make me cross a very thin, invisible line that I walk everyday.

Whats wrong with me you ask – nothing.  Like thousands of other men and women I suffer from anxiety and have been on a medication called Ciprolex for the past three years.  For some reason, none that I can pinpoint, my anxiety has gotten worse over the past month.

I have spent the past three years trying to get my head on straight, make changes, adjust my friendships, forgive people who desperately sought me out and do what everyone wanted me to do – work, date, go out and do whatever it took to be “normal”.  But inside, deep inside my heart, I want to curl into a ball and do none of the above.

Suicide is an option for many people with anxiety-others may just have a physical reaction by either vomiting or having excessive bowel problems, I am fortunate that my anxiety doesn’t manifest itself in any of these ways.  I’m not going to sit here and pretend I haven’t thought how easy it would be to end it all or tell you I’ve never had stomach cramps that beg for me to throw up, but I always manage.  I always get myself under control.

Anxiety and depression aren’t things we talk about with strangers and sometimes not even with those who love us most.  A girl who I have known my entire life I recently re-connected with through her blog www.worthcourting.wordpress.com and like me, she is single, in her 30’s and suffers from anxiety.  Now, Court is a much stronger writer then I will ever be, but our stories are similar.  She is brave.  She is beautiful.  She has made this taboo subject not so taboo. I am grateful that I have read all that she has to write on this topic and praise her for being so candid while so many of us suffer in silence.

Because of fear I have been having lately, I felt a need, a need to write it down.  I ask those of who know me personally to not ask if I am okay.  Don’t ask what you can do.  Don’t tell me I will be okay.  I don’t have any response to those questions or concerns and it just makes me more frustrated when people talk to me about it. I get it – its frustrating to you to see me hurt, to see me cry, to not be able to help, but guess what:

I can’t care right now

I see a doctor, she knows my issues and I am bothered by the fact that due to something completed unrelated I no longer want to be under her care, but I will continue seeing her until I can find someone knew, because regardless of how unstable I feel – I am responsible enough to know having a doctors guidance and support is of more importance right now than our disagreement.

The amount of people I know who have or have suffered from anxiety and/or depression astounds me.  I have friends who have attempted suicide, who have been heavily medicated because of this horrible disease.  It is not a disease that strikes only white, middle class women, though we are the ones who usually come out and talk about it.   This horrible illness effects people – regardless of race, socio-economic status and gender.  It beats you up, it can and does kill you.  It eats you alive from the inside until the only thing that seems normal is not feeling normal.

I write this because I have approximately 44 followers and numerous others who read my blog for whatever reason.  I am asking everyone to realize that you most likely know someone who is suffering right now.  Someone you know is hurting and doesn’t have the resources and support that I do.  Please make yourselves available.  Talk, but please listen.  Pay attention to those you love, check-in and if you are the one suffering, please get help, tell a trusted doctor.  You do not have to be alone.

XOXO Nikilee

 

 

 

 

And…I’m done

So I am well aware that I have said this on my blog and to numerous friends numerous times, but as far as me and online dating goes – I’m over it. I’m done. Just for kicks, I joined 4 dating sites – 2 paid and 2 unpaid and while I was actually more impressed with the looks of the men from the free sites, neither had what I was looking for. However on both the paid and unpaid sites I found men who declared they wanted their last first date and wanted nothing more than a loving relationship, based on love and honesty – yet when I went on dates with these men, it was pretty clear that was not what they were looking for.

It's not me, it's you.

So I’m done. I know, I know there are men on these sites who ARE looking for that, and you have to dig through the weeds to find the flowers, but seriously I don’t have the time or the energy to do that. Relationships are work – a lot of work, I am MORE than willing to work and fight for my relationship, but dating – dating should be easy, at least in my mind. Dating should be fun and breezy and romantic and if it’s not, then right now, I don’t want to date.

Funny Breakup Ecard: I feel like we've grown apart over the last few hours.

After my second “second” date with a guy last week with no follow-up phone call I decided I had enough. I deleted every profile I have up and have made the conscious decision that if I am going to meet someone – my “one” – then it will have to be natural, a set-up from a friend, a chance meeting in the coffee line or some other way, other than chit-chat and meeting online.

This has been great, but I think I'll go back to doing whatever I want all the time.

If I am going to give up time with my family or my girlfriends it has to be worth it. R met my friend on match and as much as I am opposed to them dating for reasons obvious to those close to me, I am happy that they have found someone to enjoy their time with and I truly do hope they can make it work. Dating is supposed to make you happy. I’m not happy. I hope R and C are and I hope my other friends who have been fortunate to find love online remain happy. I just know for me, right now, that I am not going to find my love online so I hope everyone respects my decision to give up. Please don’t misunderstand – I have given up on online dating, I will never give up on love, because I love the idea of growing old with someone, of marriage, of family.

Funny Breakup Ecard: Sorry you didn't meet my ridiculously low standards.

For now, I am going to be content enjoying every moment I have with my friends. My fried Ro is having a baby any minute now – no seriously, she could be in labour as we speak! I will have a new “niece” to snuggle up to and breathe in so I have things to keep me busy, things that fulfill me, things that bring me joy. All I need in life right now is a little joy!

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

XOXO Nikilee

Funny Breakup Ecard: I know we haven't met but I think we should stop seeing each other.

The Dating Game

Somehow when I was younger and I pictured the 32-year-old me, I never once saw me staring at a cell phone wondering why it wasn’t ringing or beeping with a text message (okay not to date myself but really text messages weren’t that popular when I was 19, but I did have a pager).

However,  having seen PF twice now – once on Valentines Day – I haven’t heard from him since. He responds casually to my texts but we just had a long weekend and I not only didn’t see him at all, but I never even heard from him. Clearly that chemistry, or what we want from each other, differs.

I find this dating game so strange. When did men start to believe it was okay to talk to someone everyday for a few weeks, flirt and tease and joke, see someone and then drop off the face of the planet??  Men, listen up – it is not okay to do that. It is NEVER okay to do that. Now if I had slept with PF I would be freaking out right now, worried that I had made a mistake, but I didn’t, so I am just accepting our fate for what it is.

My friend NYU girl has many of the same issues, a man who clearly likes her, takes her out (but granted we are guessing he is a bit of an alcoholic) messages her and acts happy to see her, just stopped trying and being the sweet guy he was. It makes no sense. She is gorgeous and has so many things going for her and it bewilders me that men would treat her like she is replaceable! NYU girl and I talk on end about the insanity going on in the world of dating I swear it’s no wonder we even bother! I have read “He’s Just not that Into You” and “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man” and numerous other dating and relationship guides and a lot of the time it blames the woman (shockingly these books are written by men) for hanging on and not seeing the signs, but don’t we have to give people a chance? Don’t we have to make some kind of effort??

Not any more. I can’t. I’m bored. I want to be chased. I want a man to run after me and not stop running till he catches me. If that never happens, then it never happens, I hope one day I can be okay with that and accept it.

I don’t think I want to do this anymore, I have other plans, plans few know about it, plans I thought might change with this whole dating thing, but if anything they are solidifying those plans. These will be discussed in the spring/summer so please stay tuned.

Things with R were never going to work out because he is not serious enough about us to consider a relationship + he was matched with my friend C and that would have been SO awkward had they started dating. LOL…*shuddering*. He is just not that into me, and I adore him as a friend so I am cool with keeping things that way. I want him to be happy and because we are friends I will get to see that through one day!

No one else is really on my radar. Maybe if I stop looking online Mr Right will show up – maybe not – but I am pretty sure I am okay now with Mr Right Now unless/until Mr Right comes along.

XOXO Nikilee

We fall in love so easy even when it’s not right

Sometimes, one is burnt so badly by love they put up walls that feel like a million inches thick, walls so thick fire nor wind, nor rain can destroy them.  Hurricane Sandy wouldn’t touch it.  This has happened to me.  I believed strongly that there would be no way any man would break through, that I wouldn’t allow anyone to do the impossible, that no man would find me worth it.

Almost a year ago – someone did.  Someone listened, and talked and opened up to me in ways that no one else had ever done before.  We spent so many of first days and nights together just talking about things we hadn’t told anyone.  It was easy.  Those walls fell down within a week, but it felt like I had known and loved him a whole lifetime.  I was comfortable, satisfied, thrilled and surprised that my life seemed to be moving on.

We both know and understand that we didn’t start off right, that there was complications.  There was issues that I am not going to discuss here but we never should have been together in the first place, but something stronger than either of us could have faced brought us together and we faced it head on.  For 6 short months, I was happier then I had been in so many years I had lost count.

However, all good things must come to an end, correct?  Isn’t that how the story goes?  It’s okay, I mean its been some time now and I have learned a few things.  Being caught up in love and paradise is great, but in the end it’s not real, there has to be something else…

There was an age difference, and age really isn’t anything but a number, it’s not something I was ever concerned about something I didn’t once worry over, but in reality – age equals experience, maturity, life skills and unfortunately me and my love were on very different tracks.  We are both amazing in our own ways and I miss talking, hugging and kissing him every day, but in the end we needed different things and we didn’t continue what we had started.  It ended almost faster than it began.

Sometimes I wonder what he’s doing, sometimes I know it’s better not to know.  I do know he has moved on with someone else, someone who maybe is better for him then I was, maybe someone who isn’t, but it’s been made official and only time will tell if it lasts.  I truly wish him every bit of happiness this world can offer him because he changed me.  He changed who I was on the inside, who I had become since building those walls and you can’t ever really thank someone enough for having that kind of effect on you.  You just accept fate as it was doled out and try your best to move on. If you ever find someone who can do that for you beware that they will be imprinted on your heart forever.

Can I move on, I mean should I even bother??  I want to.  I met someone who I like, but whether that could or ever would go somewhere is beyond my ability to see.  I feel like we may just be friends, but I have friends, friends who know and love and adore me beyond anything I deserve.  Sometimes I feel like moving on just takes too much work.  Those walls that were broken down by my ex have been repaired, they have been recast, maybe stronger than before, taller that is for sure.

I don’t want to fall in love to get hurt again, but falling in love with anyone is a risk, it’s a risk that they won’t love you back, that they will, but may have a change of heart.  That the way you look or the way you are or the way you live your life may not be what they need in their life, even if they fit so perfectly a mold you have made.

I have spent so much of the past two years taking care of everyone else around me while trying not to lose myself that sometimes I feel like I won’t be able to be in a relationship without being the caregiver, the nurturer.  A man doesn’t need that – he needs  a woman, a lover, a friend.  Or maybe a mixture of both.  Maybe that’s where I have gone wrong all along.  I don’t know.  I guess things happen for a reason.  My ex happened for an amazing reason – to show me the light out of a very dark tunnel that was dragging me down, drowning me in my own depression,  not leading anywhere positive, but with that relationship, I also lost someone I had fallen in love with so I am back to square one.

As one of my favourite singers says:

“Ever wonder how the heart can be deceiving, more than just a couple times, why do we fall in love so easy even when it’s not right” 

I don’t want my heart to deceive me again, I want it to be right.  I want to take a long time to fall in love and I want to know I did it in a way I can be proud of.  I haven’t done it right in a while and if I ever allow someone to see me, see the real me ever again all those things will have to fall into place.

XOXO Nikilee

I don’t want to date – and you can’t make me!

I have NEVER been a good dater.  Ever.  In middle and high school – all my relationships were instantaneous, I didn’t “date”. 

“Hi Nicole, its X.  Oh hi X, how are you?  Good, thanks, so you know I like you – a lot – wanna be my girlfriend? SURE!”

Seriously, it’s true…never did I date – I had relationships.  Until I was 29 and suddenly single, dating had never even crossed my mind. 

I could really be falling for who you're pretending to be right now.

But alas, at 29 years old I found myself single and living back at home.  How the hell does a single woman date when she lives at home with her daddy???  Good grief!  I went on a few dates – that were awkward as all hell (uh one was a 30-year-old virgin – by choice – not religion who didn’t even pay for my $3.00 coffee).  Seriously!!!    I hated the whole idea of dating then, and swore off it cause I was so bad at it.  In fact I hadn’t dated anyone in months when I went to the DR for J and K’s wedding.  Well then I met MiMo and he sort of fell into my lap and we didn’t really date, we sort of hopped really quickly into a relationship – which is probably why he hopped out just as quick 6 months later.  I can’t blame him.  Maybe if we had just dated things would have worked out better, maybe not? 

But since MiMo and I ended I haven’t dated really.  I mean I had that coffee with R, but we had been talking for a while and I knew he was still hooked on the ex, so I looked at it as a night out, not really a date per say. 

Funny Flirting Ecard: I'd love to awkwardly sway with you at an outdoor concert.

My problem: I hate dating.  I hate awkward first meetings.  I don’t like online dating cause most of the guys I have talked to are super cocky and superficial whether it’s a free site or a paid for site like Eharmony or Match.  Ugh!  I wish I was like my friend Jake’s mom sometimes cause SHE loves dating, she dates all the time and has no issues with it.  She’s great at meeting new people. 

R (the guy I kinda went on a semi-date with a few weeks ago and have become pretty cool friends with ever since) and I were talking last night and he asked me if I thought I was over MiMo and ready to move on and date again.  I told him I had no choice.  You can only mourn a loss of a relationship for so long, especially when it is one-sided. 

We'd be a normal couple if it weren't for you.

I don’t know when or how I will begin the dating journey, but I know I have to jump back on that horse (I’m allergic to horses, maybe I am allergic to dating!).  I just hope that some how I find success again.  I mean a 31-year-old, successful woman who lives at home with her dad (by choice) should be a catch right?!  LOL…

When you decided to play hard to get you failed to keep in mind that I am too lazy to even check my voicemail.

Wish me luck bloggers, I’ll keep you posted on the disaster joys of dating!

I can't wait to meet you in a well lit, busy location.

XOXO Nikilee