Sometimes I feel like I’m going a tad bit nuts

Last week was a week full of – exciting adventures??  No, sadly, I do not consider driving from one end of Toronto *old Scarborough* to the other end of Toronto *old Etobicoke* an exciting adventure.  More like a sick form of torture.  Do you know what’s even worse?  Doing that drive during both morning and evening rush hour in the rain.  Yep this was my week last week!

But last week was my first week back to WW and I had to behave.  I did – okay.  Not great, not terrible.  I ate lunch mostly that I had packed (one day I left it on my couch and got a bagel from Tim Horton’s). 

When I went to weigh in on Saturday I was apprehensive.  My fear of failure was pounding through my veins, threatening to explode if the scale didn’t show a loss.  But I did lose.  I lost 1.6 pounds.  This number I am okay with.  I am not happy, I am not disappointed.  I am just okay. 

However this week also started the improved 360 plan which is points plus with some new books and tools for members.  I bought the new kit which included measuring cups, a measuring tape and the new dining out guide which is great because it included the Keg and Pita Pit!  This book is coming in handy already!

I had GBF take my measurements yesterday and while I was sickened and unimpressed, I just kept repeating “Niki you CAN do this”.  I know I can get those numbers down, to be lower than they are now.  It makes me nauseous knowing the numbers but I am using them as motivators to keep me on track! 

Speaking of track – I got the new 3 month tracker, and come hell or high water, I will track!  I KNOW it is the number 1 thing that leads to successful weight loss.  So far I have tracked Saturday, Sunday and today.  Oh that reminds me, I have to add my little 2 pt chocolate I ate after lunch! SO WORTH EVERY POINT!

Have a great week blogging friends.

XOXO Nikilee

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Weight Watchers – you can go home again

So I have talked and thought a lot about Weight Watchers lately and how happy and satisfied I was while on program.  On Saturday morning me and T got our butts out of bed (our slightly larger butts mind you) and made the 20 minute trek out to Ajax where we re-joined our old meeting. 

It’s always great to see the friendly smiles from the receptionist ladies and our leader at our branch (main reason we continue travelling so far) because they ARE our motivation.  Knowing we have to see them or get teased (all in good fun) is a good reason to get out of bed early on a Saturday morning.

We got there and it was huge smiles and “welcome back” all around!  I weighed in first and the scale broke.  No really, it didn’t, but I was pretty sure it would have cussed me out and punched me in the face if it was able to.  When I stopped weight watchers earlier this year I was down approx 25 pds from my start weight.  I am now down 3 pds from my start weight in October 2010.  I know that’s not bad, I mean an original loss is better than a gain – but a 20 pd gain in less than a year hurts.  BIG TIME

I will not discuss my sister’s weight loss or gain on here because really it’s private and if she wants to share, she can start her own blog!

I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream, I wanted to point at people and blame them!  But really, only one person is to blame and that is me.  I eat when lonely and stressed and just because some people contributed to that feeling doesn’t mean they should be to blame.  I could have easily went out and seeked therapy from friends and family, but instead I stayed inside and watched tv while stuffing my face with chocolate and large portions of unhealthy food.    Nope, I need to pull up my big girl pants and face reality that I AM MY OWN WORST ENEMY. 

I need to stop over thinking things that are not in my control:

1. My feelings about my ex moving on 2. Work situations 3. Living at home

These things are things that are going on and happening whether I like it or not so I might as well get living.

I am claiming back my happiness this week.  WW will be a huge contributor to that.  I am not sure what else will be, but WW is a great start!  I will keep you all updated on my progress!

XOXO Nikilee

 

Weigh Watchers and self-esteem

When I joined Weight Watchers in 2010, my self-esteem had taken a beating.  I was feeling pretty damn low and needed to do something for myself to boost my energy and start to like myself again.  I knew WW worked because I had friends that had lost on the program and they still ate out and ate chocolate so it seemed like a good plan to me.

I joined with my sister-in-law, my girlfriend C and her sister.  Those last two immediately started dropping weight like Snoop Dogg dropped it like it’s hot and my sister-in-law and I lost slowly (very slowly).  Eventually I did lose 25 pounds though and I felt great.  I was internet dating, wearing smaller clothes and feeling comfortable withmy  body and what it looked like sans clothes.

But, like everything else, I left WW when I got to comfortable.  I quickly put back on that weight and I couldn’t even tell you today what my weight is.  I might still be down or I might have surpassed my pre-WW weight I don’t know. 

But Saturday I will.  Because I am throwing in the towel.  I am getting my ass back to WW and back to my meetings.  I miss feeling awesome about myself. I miss feeling completely comfortable looking at myself (let alone someone else looking at me) naked.  I will do what I can to focus and look and feel MY best again.

Wish me luck!!!

XOXO Nikilee

I didn’t think I was a quitter

As of today my 20 week pass ends with Weight Watchers and unlike the last two years where I have just renewed and kept plugging along, today I am not renewing.  I guess I have till Saturday really to decide my ww fate, but I just don’t see the point in it right now. 

I have gained about 10 pounds back since losing the initial 25.  So I am down about 15.  However my confidence level has wavered, I have made bad decisions both personally and professionally and I can’t seem to get myself out of this funk I’ve been in.  Now please don’t get me wrong, this is not a depression – been there DONE that – but I just can’t seem to stay away from foods that I know don’t do anything nutritionally for me.  I have become quite addicted to a Tim Horton breakfast of a muffin or a bagel – all comfort food for me – and dinners (while i don’t go out as often cause I don’t usually see Newbie during the week anymore) are a mess from either take out or an english muffin with peanut butter.  These are not the meals of successful people.

Now I know what most people will say – buy good food and eat good food.  I do.  I buy veggies for my salad every week and every week I throw it all out because I haven’t touched it and it’s gone rotten.  The only thing I do manage to munch on is the fruit cause I actually enjoy fruit.  But all the fruit in the world doesn’t make up for my disastrous eating habits and a SERIOUS lack of physical activity. 

I have never known ANYONE as lazy as I am.  It’s actually sad.  I keep saying I will get on the ball, I will walk three days a week, but that never ends up happening.  I have home care three – four days a week and that takes so long to prepare for that I just use that as my excuse.  Plus – I am still uncomfortable most of the time from my wound so sweating and stuff is very unappealing to me right now.

Now…here is the good news!  I know that when I am ready – I will do this.  Whether is be with ww or on my own (I would never do another program – to restricting) I can and will do what I put my mind too.  However right now, today, my mind is to pre-occupied with other stuff swimming around.  I don’t have the motivation to do it. 

Stay tuned as this quitter tries to turn things around and figure out the next chapter in the life of Nikilee.

XOXO Nikilee

Weight Watchers – what should I do??

So those of you who actually follow my blog, know I have been on Weight Watchers since November 2010 when I decided that it was time to get healthy – time to get me back.  I went on to lose 25 pounds because weight watchers DOES work!.  I still had another 25 that I wanted to lose, but I stopped trying.  Whose fault was that – mine really.  I stopped when I started dating the Ugandan in May 2011.  I had lost such a great amount of weight – weight I never imagined me losing that I figured I could take some time to enjoy my summer, eat what I wanted and not worry about what happened – I’d get myself back in gear in the fall! Ya, that never happened.   Now I have slowly crept back up the scale.  I am up a few pounds.  Maybe 5-10, I haven’t been to weight watchers in weeks and it’s because I know the weight has come back…the idea of seeing my failure actually makes me want to crawl in a hole and cover myself with dirt. 

Now, I am fortunate, I have a great guy who makes me feel like the sexiest girl in the world, however, personally I know I am not.  I know from the way my clothes are fitting, from the way I avoid certain pants that the weight is creeping up.  I keep thinking I should go to the gym – stop with the excuses of stress and exhaustion and get my butt back in gear.  However I also know that with my upcoming surgery and the discomfort I currently feel, that I will allow these excuses to swallow me and keep me far away from the gym.  When I drive by Parkway Mall where my gym is located, I divert my eyes left so I don’t have to see the looming sign waiting to attack me!  I quickly push the key tag for the gym away from the rest of my keys.  I have debated about getting an iPod for weeks now since I lost my last one (or maybe someone stole it, or maybe its hidden in my room of treasures!) but I know if I get an iPod I have even less excuses to not work out because currently I say I need music, I am bored running/walking on the treadmill without music!

So whats a girl to do…

Well, I am trying to eat better, I have fruit everyday or almost everyday.  I buy food to cook, but I never do…it goes to waste which I hate because I hate wasted food. Yet that hate, the guilt doesn’t encourage me to come home and cook.  I worry if I don’t start soon – getting my butt into gear, that I will become what I was almost two years ago – a shell of myself.  Someone who no one liked very much.  Someone whom newbie probably wouldn’t find very appealing.  I think it’s time to get back to weight watchers.  I need to weigh in – see my damage – face my consequences.  Being overweight is a health issue.  Both emotionally and physically.  I know the gym is not reasonable for me – probably won’t be for another couple of months because of my upcoming surgery – but a walk, 15-20 minutes every day is not going to kill me and is not going to hurt me at all.  I am going to weigh in tomorrow at weight watchers.  I need a butt kick!  I am going to cook dinner tonight…I am not going to make excuses and I am going to get back to being me.  A me that my family, friends and newbie love.   I look forward to recording this obnoxious journey with you all!  🙂

XOXO Nikilee

Spring has Sprung – let’s vote!

Oh, I love working for the City of Toronto – a city I love!  However every three or four years, its stressful and causes me to feel anxiety.  It’s that time of year when contracts are renegotiated and my CUPE members fight for a fair(ish) contract.  The city won’t budge, the union won’t budge so we, the members are voting – today.  If after the vote the contract is signed – a lot of us get screwed, but some crazy changes.  If it’s not signed, we all could possibly be on strike, be locked out or be forced to work under different provisions.  I don’t like it – not one bit.  I figure no matter what happens today, we lose.  It’s one of the unfortunate facts of life working for a large municipality.  However, working for Social Services, I also get to help, encourage and support Torontonians on a daily basis and I love that part! 

Since it is beginning to feel a bit like Spring again (what were those single digit temperatures about??) I am thinking ahead – I need to do some major spring cleaning because by the beginning of summer I should have my new basement apartment and I want to make sure that only the essentials and the things I love go down there with me!  I will clean out the closet – both clothes and shoes and coats – coats!!!!  AHHHHH  Now lets face it, if we don’t go on said strike above, I will continue shopping and buy more stuff so really cleaning out closets is important so I can see what I need/want to fill up a pretty summer wardrobe!  I know I want some pretty summer dresses, I just am not sure where to go for them. I am not as small as I had hoped to be so I still need a store that carries a variety of clothes in a larger size – Ricki’s is great, but they don’t have a lot of casual clothes – most of my office clothes come from there.  I will figure it out – I am a shopper after all!

Speaking of being a smaller size – one of my goals of 2012 was to lose another 25 pounds.  I still believe I can do this except now it’s more like 26.4 pounds because I have gained 1.4 pounds since January!  Are you kidding me!  grrr…it’s been a rough year emotionally so far, but I am hoping to kick my ass back on track now that the nicer weather is here and get out and start moving more often.  I also need to get back to eating my salads and fruits cause they have disappeared out of my diet for carbs – bagels and subs, and sugar – pop and fudge!    Watching Biggest Loser last night made me remember that excuses can only carry you so far.  Newbie needs to start eating better too and since baseball season will begin soon at least he’ll get some exercise, but me – I can’t play again this year due to health issues, so I have to figure something else out. 

Tonight I go to my Nana’s house to clean it out a bit.  To take some things I want, my memories, those things that are meaningful to me.  My pups chair.  The chair I sat in every time I was at my nan’s while she would cook me dinner.  The books I read while snuggled up in that chair…Crazy Cat Ladies dad is going to cover it for me in black so it matches my bsmt apartment colours (right now it’s burnt orange…LOL…).  I can’t wait to read more great books snuggled up in it – reminiscing about my Nan. 

Before this turns mushy and I start to cry – it’s been an emotional week, I am going to end by wishing you all a Happy Hump Day, please keep me in your thoughts as my fate at work is determined by 23,000 people all voting based on their own interests! 

XOXO Nikilee

1 more day…

…of being 30 then I am technically Nikilee31!  Although I won’t be changing my blog post, I will no longer be 30 – but in my 30’s!  Does that count??  For me it will!

Friday I went over to my girl K’s house for a night of Dexter!  We finished season 1.  It’s disturbing how much I love this show.  I mean Dexter is a vigilante murderer who fills his passion for killing by killing bad people – men and women a like.  We watched the whole first season in two sittings – this tells you what a great show it was!  On to season 2 K!!!

Saturday I had to weigh in – up a pound!  ARGHHH!!!  Somehow my plan to lose 4 pds by Christmas and an additional 6 pounds by my trip to the Dominican did not happen – in fact I’ve been up up and up every freaken week!  Oh boy.  I’ve decided I need some incentive.  So here we go:

Lose 5 pounds: buy a new sweater!

Lose 10 pounds: buy a new purse!

Lose 20 pounds: go away for a weekend to Niagara Falls

Lose 25 pounds: Buy a new Ipod!

There you have it!  My incentive for 2012!  I want a new sweater that’s warm and pretty and work appropriate hence why that is my first incentive!  Once I get closer to the 25 pound mark I will add new incentives!!!

After weight watchers I had a wonderful hot stone massage booked – my gift to me!  If you have not had a hot stone massage before – please do!  I went to Uptown Spa www.uptownspa.com and had Barbara the Masseuse give me the hot stone massage.  I was all warm and toasty and relaxed – time to pick up my girl K, go movie shopping, grocery shopping, watch some mindless Jersey Shore and get ready for dinner!

Dinner was with K and the Romanian.  We went to Jack Astors in Scarborough!  Three words – Garlic Pan Bread!  YUMMM!  Of course with cheese!!!  Having dinner with K and the Romanian was great and a perfect way to celebrate my almost birthday!  I like to see K happy, it makes me happy – she deserves it! 

Sunday I woke up, turned on the computer and watched my church service from home.  I have been having the same problems with my (bum) lower back as before so lying in bed watching Pastor Bob do his thing seemed much more comforting then sitting up in church.  The passage to remember for this week:

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.  1John 1:9

If you want to watch the whole sermon please google “Global Kingdom Ministries Live” and watch January 8th – message.  I hope to get back in the Church soon because I feel – unwell – when I’m not there regularly, but this is the next best thing for me!

Question for the day: how do you celebrate your birthday?

Have a good week everyone!

XOXO Nikilee