Nothing like a phone call to make you stop and think

Lately, I have been stressed and even a tad bit depressed (thanks to crazy cat lady that is under control), what with the impending strike, arguing and fighting with family, being annoyed by people who have no business annoying me and stuffing my face with any food that’s not glued down…its been a rough week. 

But last night as I was driving home from dropping off Ms. J I got a phone call from my mom.  Biker dude – A.K.A Gary, her husband has taken a turn for the worse.  He is dying – he has cancer of the throat.  Chemo didn’t work and it is spreading rapidly.  He is mostly unresponsive and has suffered from a few seizures.  She was a mess.  This man she has loved for over half of my life and realistically, most of hers as well, will be dead in a very short time. 

Now I am not even going to try to pretend like his passing will really have a huge effect on me personally because in reality we aren’t close.  I never really enjoyed his company and we are complete opposite people in every way possible.  However, I love my mother and she loves him, so for her – my heart is breaking.  I wish I could make him better so she did not have to suffer. 

There is nothing worse as a child then hearing or seeing your parents crying.  The first time I saw this I was 6.  I came home from shopping with my mom – back in the day when my parents were still together – and I walked into our living room to my dad standing by the big picture window, and my brother sitting on our couch, crying.  This is one of my earliest memories – a clear memory, as clear as my memory of my prom or University graduation.  But instead of a happy one, it is one that made me realize my father was vulnerable.  He was crying because his father, my poppy, had lost his battle with diabetes (back in the 80’s the diagnosis wasn’t as good as it is now).  He’d been in the hospital for weeks and my grandmother was now a widow.  I don’t know where she was or what happened next, but I started crying before I even knew what happened.  My father was in tears.  Whatever the news, it couldn’t be good. 

The last time I saw my father cry was at my grandma’s funeral a few months ago, I was 30  – and even then, it was a just a few tears.  He had prepared himself for her death – she was ill for many years and we were all just grateful she was in no more pain and believed fully that she was with my poppy – where she wanted to be. 

But hearing my mom cry last night, stirred something different in me.  I felt sad.  But I felt useless.  I felt like there was nothing I could do.  I offered to pull onto the highway and drive to Bobcaygeon right then and there, but she didn’t need that.  She is resound to living out his last few days (hours?) with him alone.  I understand that and I respect it too.  But as an adult woman who has experienced true love I hate the idea of someone losing someone they adore.  I know that when he passes she will call and I will hop on the highway and play the role of dutiful daughter, doing everything she wants and needs and comforting her the way she will need me to – but until then, I will sit here, waiting for my phone to ring and reminding myself to be grateful for all the amazing people I have in my life and all the greatness I have to celebrate!

It’s Friday, I love Fridays.  I get a weekend with newbie!  I’m going to enjoy every moment of it!  It’s true that life is short and we never know how long we have with people, so I will smile when newbie gets in my car, I will kiss him and say hello and wash this whole week off of the both of us – so we can have a great time and enjoy each other the way we should!

XOXO Nikilee

Hump day – a long freaking day

So yesterday morning started off stressful as usual.  I needed to decide which way to vote in the CUPE v. City ratification deal.  I knew how I wanted to vote – but  would I have the guts to do so??  Not necessarily.  Sometimes what is right for one isn’t right for the collective, but I did vote (its private people, I will not tell you how I voted).  I took some ladies at lunch and we drove over to the Delta and I slipped my ballot in the box knowing that no matter what happens – we as a local, lose and it’s a shame that the city and the union couldn’t/wouldn’t be more co-operative. 

Yesterday also started with a text from newbie about some trouble I have caused by blogging.  Newbie is amazing and I don’t want to cause him any stress or trouble – so I had to deal with the issue ASAP.  I hope it is dealt with and there will be no more issues. 

I had a workshop to complete on Second Career Strategies (not my favourite workshop, but I had two clients show up that were pretty awesome) and then a whole lot of notes to write, paper work to continue etc etc.  All the while hearing tid bits and snippets of people talking strike.  Nothing like the fear of having no money for a very long time causing your shoulders to rise and your eyes to burn with tears.  I know it sounds bad and possibly selfish and snobby, but I have worked for 16 years – I have never not had money.  Even though I have debt – I still have money to do what I want when I want to.  I was so GLAD at 4:30 I was getting to go pick up my favourite three-year-old lady at daycare for some Ms. J and Nikilee time!  Ms. J and I coloured, ate cookies, watched Treehouse and sang along to Bob and Lolo (YouTube Raindrop pop and Cindy Seahorse my favourites).  Spending time with Ms. J always makes me smile – you should see my smile when Ms. J and newbie are in the same room, my cheeks hurt from smiling so much!

After that, I had to meet my sushi boyfriend and the realtor at my nanas house so they could walk around and talk business.  I sat on the chair miserable because my heart misses my Nana so much.  I know we have to sell the house, and honestly I want it sold because I feel like I can’t say goodbye to her until it’s really gone, but being there, seeing it torn apart from my family being there on the weekend was gut wrenching.  I can’t do it.  I can’t go through her things.  I can’t say goodbye like that.  I took a few things I wanted, left the rest because it was just to hard.  I did get my chair though.  Sushi boyfriend and newbie brought it into my house and all I wanted was to sit in it and rock for a bit – but there will be a time and a place for that. 

After driving newbie back to his place, I curled up and bed, called him to say goodnight and passed out cold.  I was so tired, I didn’t even stay up to hear about the vote.  I knew my co-workers would Facebook and bbm me to let me know.

After snoozing three times this morning and realizing I still had to shower, I grabbed my phone – no strike.  Full time bargaining Unit voted yes for the ratification!  I am not on strike.  One stress down!  YAY…today will be a better day! I hope! 

Power of positive thinking…

XOXO Nikilee

Spring has Sprung – let’s vote!

Oh, I love working for the City of Toronto – a city I love!  However every three or four years, its stressful and causes me to feel anxiety.  It’s that time of year when contracts are renegotiated and my CUPE members fight for a fair(ish) contract.  The city won’t budge, the union won’t budge so we, the members are voting – today.  If after the vote the contract is signed – a lot of us get screwed, but some crazy changes.  If it’s not signed, we all could possibly be on strike, be locked out or be forced to work under different provisions.  I don’t like it – not one bit.  I figure no matter what happens today, we lose.  It’s one of the unfortunate facts of life working for a large municipality.  However, working for Social Services, I also get to help, encourage and support Torontonians on a daily basis and I love that part! 

Since it is beginning to feel a bit like Spring again (what were those single digit temperatures about??) I am thinking ahead – I need to do some major spring cleaning because by the beginning of summer I should have my new basement apartment and I want to make sure that only the essentials and the things I love go down there with me!  I will clean out the closet – both clothes and shoes and coats – coats!!!!  AHHHHH  Now lets face it, if we don’t go on said strike above, I will continue shopping and buy more stuff so really cleaning out closets is important so I can see what I need/want to fill up a pretty summer wardrobe!  I know I want some pretty summer dresses, I just am not sure where to go for them. I am not as small as I had hoped to be so I still need a store that carries a variety of clothes in a larger size – Ricki’s is great, but they don’t have a lot of casual clothes – most of my office clothes come from there.  I will figure it out – I am a shopper after all!

Speaking of being a smaller size – one of my goals of 2012 was to lose another 25 pounds.  I still believe I can do this except now it’s more like 26.4 pounds because I have gained 1.4 pounds since January!  Are you kidding me!  grrr…it’s been a rough year emotionally so far, but I am hoping to kick my ass back on track now that the nicer weather is here and get out and start moving more often.  I also need to get back to eating my salads and fruits cause they have disappeared out of my diet for carbs – bagels and subs, and sugar – pop and fudge!    Watching Biggest Loser last night made me remember that excuses can only carry you so far.  Newbie needs to start eating better too and since baseball season will begin soon at least he’ll get some exercise, but me – I can’t play again this year due to health issues, so I have to figure something else out. 

Tonight I go to my Nana’s house to clean it out a bit.  To take some things I want, my memories, those things that are meaningful to me.  My pups chair.  The chair I sat in every time I was at my nan’s while she would cook me dinner.  The books I read while snuggled up in that chair…Crazy Cat Ladies dad is going to cover it for me in black so it matches my bsmt apartment colours (right now it’s burnt orange…LOL…).  I can’t wait to read more great books snuggled up in it – reminiscing about my Nan. 

Before this turns mushy and I start to cry – it’s been an emotional week, I am going to end by wishing you all a Happy Hump Day, please keep me in your thoughts as my fate at work is determined by 23,000 people all voting based on their own interests! 

XOXO Nikilee

The “ex” Factor

So I have spent a lot of time blogging and thinking about ex’s.  Lately I haven’t been thinking of MY ex’s but everyone elses ex’s and me as an ex as well.  Why do I spend so much time thinking of people who should mean nothing to me, people who should not impact my life, who should have no control over my emotions or my relationships – well because in reality – at my age, ex’s are a reality show that never seems to end.  It’s kind of like Survivor, when one season ends, you pray it’s over…I mean 20+ seasons later, I am over it…and just like Survivor – I am over my ex, I am over my guys ex and I am over being considered an ex.

The first time I really had to encounter an ex was in tenth grade.  My bf C and I had broken up and he started dating a new girl.  This girl was (in my opinion) not as attractive as me and certainly no where near as smart or kind as I was so I didn’t understand the attraction.  I was still hung up on him and was annoyed that he had settled for this other girl so soon after our break-up.  I know I said a million mean things about her to my friends.  We would trash her and him behind her back.  I never gave her the time of day, putting my back up and rolling my eyes whenever she came into view.  However, I never once called C and begged him to dump her and take me back.  I have, if anything, a complete fear of rejection.  I let him do his thing, and alas we ended up dating again for a few more months later that year before breaking up permanently and he took back the unattractive mean girl (okay so maybe she wasn’t unattractive and my memories just like to remember her as such – but she was mean…a real bitchy chick with an attitude).  But again, I never told him how I felt about him, never tried getting him back by hoarding him or his friends.

I didn’t really have to deal with ex girlfriends again until twelfth grade.  I was dating a guy who was really cute – but really meant nothing to me.  His ex wanted him back, he said no.  She said she would sleep with him if he took her back.  I was not sleeping with him and had no desire to do so as we hadn’t been dating long, so he dumped me, and took back the whore from Mowat…isn’t that mean – I must be in a bad mood.  But at age 18, that is what and how I felt about the situation.  He ended up cheating on her at a party with me (just kissing, and I had way to much to drink) and she found out and told him he could no longer talk to me – ever.  Needless to say an 18-year-old guy will choose sex with a woman over friendship with a woman so we were no longer friends and he stayed with the girl for as long as I knew him (which was only a few more months thank God).  I never asked him to take me back.  I never cried over him and I never asked him to give us a chance.  Now this was probably because I knew in my heart we were not going to last.  He was who I knew I should want to be with, athletic, cute, rich had a huge group of like-minded friends…but he was an idiot really – a jock with an ego.  So I wasn’t heart-broken to go back to my old life and pick it back up.

Now you may be thinking I didn’t grovel because these relationships were fleeting, I was young.  It’s harder to lose someone you truly love and it makes you do crazy things…well it’s possible you are right – but remember, I hate rejection and will avoid it at all costs. 

When me and Filipino boy started dating, he had a long-term ex – I was a tad jealous of her, I mean she had been in his life for a long time, I was new.  But he never gave me reason to believe that she was more important than I was.  He kept her at a safe distance.  Fast forward five years and me and Filipino boy separated and he eventually started dating someone new.  This poor girl didn’t stand a chance in the beginning and now, looking back I feel awful.  I had developed such a close relationship with his family that they never gave her a real opportunity to shine.  They wanted us back together, even though we were in no way getting back with each other – but I was still in and out of their lives since his sister had become one of my closest friends.  It took the poor woman months to get even a small warm feeling from his parents and even though they are no longer together I often wonder if his parents had been more welcoming would they have made it!?

When me and GBF started dating, I never gave up my relationship with Filipino boys family.  I know now that was a mistake.  Not that I should have given them up per se, but I should have changed the relationship – I still called them mom and dad, I visited his sister at her home with everyone there as often as I could.  It wasn’t fair to GBF and it wasn’t fair to Filipino boys girlfriend.  I guess because I was friendly with him and didn’t think of ever being back with him, I never looked at it from their perspective.  A mistake I regret terribly.

Ahhh GBF.  Doesn’t it always come back to him.  GBF had two main ex’s I concerned myself with.  The prom queen and the crazy chick – no really she was crazy, it’s okay if I say that.  The prom queen was his first love and his first heart-break.  It is very hard to be the new girlfriend (especially when you have been bff’s for years) when his first love was the freaking prom queen!  Especially when I have always felt a bit like the ugly duckling.  I never felt like I was good enough for him.  That I would ever be enough.  I didn’t doubt he loved me, I guess I just figured she was more his type.  Prom queen never really interfered in our rel’n as far as I know  though because they hadn’t talked in forever and he had no desire to ever start talking again.  However crazy chick – she was a completely different story.  I have no doubt in my mind that even though it has been almost 8 years since their break up that she still loves him and thinks about him every minute until this very day.  She constantly called and it put a lot of strain on our relationship, but he is a “nice” guy so he never was willing to tell her to go the fuck away and I was never willing to put my foot down and make some demands of my own – demands I had every right to make.  He hasn’t dated anyone since me so I haven’t had to deal with that, but he is just my friend now so I don’t think I would be a pain in the rear ex girlfriend, but you never know.  I am sure most new girls he dates will feel threatened by our continued closeness we now have.  I mean I would.  But I know he would never make them feel like I was a threat, because I am not and he, like me, has learned from his mistakes.

Ahhh now there is the newbie.  Yes for those of you who don’t know me personally, there is a new guy.  Nothing official yet – other than the fact we spend almost every day together and we do spend every weekend together.  He has an ex – and despite some not so great circumstances of how we first met, she is the ex and I am hoping she stays that way.  I don’t think he would take her back and I know he is as crazy about me as I am about him…but there is always the “ex” factor.  She is one of the pain-in-your-ass ex’s I have mentioned above.  But the situation is different – and harder to explain without one, two or all three of us turning out badly so I will just say – mistakes have been made on all parts and I hope that one day – SOON – she goes away.  That she leaves me and newbie to figure out our relationship for ourselves.  I guess only time will tell, but until then, I will never like being “the ex” or dealing with “the ex”. 

And now I have officially spent WAY too much time on people who are essentially worthless to me and my current existence.  I am going to try to leave the past in the past and pray that those around me and who are involved in my life can do the same!  I also hope to bring some happy news to my blogs soon.  I know it’s been awhile since I last blogged, and things have been stressful with strike talk, family matters, sicknesses and all, but I do want to be blog more so look forward to hearing more from me soon!

XOXO Nikilee


***On Monday March 26th, my thought for the day calendar was as follows: DON’T JUDGE: try not to judge people harshly, especially on first meeting.  Their actions might not reveal their enduring character but instead reflect some current situation they find themselves in. 

It has come to my attention that my opinion on newbies ex might have been a bit harsh…while I don’t change my opinion, because she is the EX and is an ex that hasn’t made herself scarce, I shouldn’t talk smack about her when I don’t know her and never will.  I don’t want my comments affecting poor newbie, or anyone else for that matter, because he is moving on with his life and bringing up the past or talking about negative situations will only keep a cloud over our heads…it’s spring…a new season, time for change and me judging someone based on the crappy situation they are in isn’t fair and for those of you who know me at all know that while I get annoyed easily, I don’t like to hurt people. So I apologize to newbie, his ex and those of you who are in ex’s situation and were offended.  Please remember a blog is like a journal, where people write what they are feeling and some days are great and some days – are not so great and while I shouldn’t judge or speak negatively about people because I don’t know their situation – neither should others assume that my life is so rainbows and pot of gold all the time either.  This is the last I will say on this situation…

Ate dinner then made dinner…something seems wrong!

Last night after a really long day of work, I met up with two of my favourite ladies whom I used to work with at my old TESS office.  When I became a case worker I was transferred to a different office, but I kept in touch with three of my favourite ladies and have had dinner/nights out with them regularly ever since.

Last night we hit up Canyon Creek which is an amazing place that equals Keg quality food, but not at Keg quality prices! Seeing them again just made me instantly relax.  I am so blessed to have such amazing women in my life who I truly enjoy spending time with.  I got a Raspberry Blue bubble to drink (think blue freezee) and the prime rib (small) with mashed potatoes.  SO. FREAKEN. GOOD. 

We talked for two hours and I left them sad to say goodbye – but grateful to know how supporting and loving they are!  I went home to realize it was Thursday! I had told my mom I would make her a lasagna!!!  OH NO!  Okay so fast forward two hours and I had made two delicious lasagnas (I had to make one for Dad also or he would cry foul).  My mom has been going through so much with Biker Dude and his cancer.  It’s getting worse and it does not look good.  Again, it’s difficult to sympathize,  but I love my mom and I don’t like to know she is going to be alone soon.  So I have made her some food that my Auntie G will bring her today and hopefully that will at least allow her to not worry about food for herself for a few days. 

I want to wish you all a Happy St Patties Day!  I am decked out in green, feeling lucky and ready to have an amazing weekend!  Have a great day everyone! 

Me and my Irish boss decked out in green!

XOXO Nikilee

Had the best night

So work has been crazy busy with workshops, initiatives, coverages etc.  But last night after work, I got to see two of my favourite people!

When buddy left TESS for a different city division he needed someone to pick up his beautiful 3-year-old daughter Ms. J from daycare.  Of course I offered because I love spending time with her!  Last night was my first pick up.  I was worried that she would freak out because I am not her daddy and she IS daddy’s girl and we were breaking routine.  However there was NO need to be worried at all…as soon as I rounded the corner of her daycare she screamed my name and jumped in my arms!  NIIICOOOOOOOOLE!  I love it!  I gave her a million kisses and whisked her away.  When I got her home (after hearing all about her day and her time at the Riverdale Zoo on the weekend) her dad wasn’t home yet so I took her to Mr Wongs convenience Store for a popsicle.  We watched some Bob and Lolo music on YouTube and then daddy came home.  She was so happy and buddy was relieved he did not have to make the drive up north to pick up Ms. J.  Everyone was happy.

Then I had dinner at Makimono with Shaun!  I have not seen Shaun in 17 years.  Since our Grade 8 Graduation.  Now, other than a much more toned physique and a shorter hair cut – he looks exactly the same.  We talked for almost two hours straight about everything that has happened to us in the past 17 years.  He has some amazing words of wisdom for me and made me believe everything would work out to His plan (Gods, not Shauns).  It’s so funny hanging out with someone who has spent the past ten years living in the States (Kansas primarily) because things like working a debit card seemed so foreign to him.  It made me smile.  I hope it doesnt’ take another 17 years to hang out with him! 

The only person I didn’t see last night was the one person who I so desperately need to see, but our schedules have been off lately.  I will see him Friday for a little bit – I cannot wait!  And then we are going to Niagara Falls on Sunday for some alone time and to have some fun!!!  Hopefully he knows my heart is with him 😉

XOXO Nikilee

Going all the way back to middle school tonight!

Oh middle school – we all remember it right, a time where girls became women, boys became men, we all matured and were loving and respectful to each other – right?!  Uhh…hello, HELLO is this thing on??

What you mean that’s not how it was!  Girls were soemtimes cruel and mean, boys were to cool for school and treated girls like things and not people…we all thought we were soooo grown up and mature, but really we were all insecure brats waiting for the next person to torture so we would feel good about ourselves!  Right, that was my middle school experience.

It may sound bad, and parts of it were (I remember a girl bringing a lighter and hairspray to school to burn another girls hair off and don’t forget that time where I fell asleep first at a birthday party and woke up with lipstick all over my body – the words written on me are not appropriate on this blog), but I was also extremely lucky to have a group of kids who really were fiercely loyal, fun and unique.  I had my first kiss under the stairs of my school, we went ice skating or swimming at the rec centre every Friday and when my parents separated – those same friends surrounded me with love and kindness.  I still keep in touch with a few of those friends even though after 8th grade we all went off on our separate paths.  Thank you to Facebook for allowing me to reconnect with those friends.

One of those friends Shaun (or Andre) as he goes by now, has moved all the way to Kansas!!!  But he is back in TO and I am catching up with him tonight to hear all about his work, his church, his children…I cannot wait.  It has been 17 years since I have seen him (except through Facebook pictures) and I cannot wait to see him again!  Shaun was one of my favourite friends in middle school.  When those girls wrote all over me in lipstick, he was the first one to call me to see if I was okay.  He was a gentle soul and the fact that he is so passionate about the Lord Jesus Christ does not surprise me at all, because he always had something special about him. 

So tonight I will get Makimono and dinner with an old friend (wait – not old, we are the same age, so we are both young!)

It will be a great night…I hope we can catch each other up on all the amazing things that have happened to us in the past 17 years…and all of our current situations as well – I can’t wait to tell him about a special someone I have been spending a lot of time with!  But more on that soon I hope!

XOXO Nikilee